“You’ve Got To Be Kidding” is parody. Allow yourself the opportunity to have a little fun . . .
It is never too early to help children understand the joy and happiness that is the tradition of visiting Disneyland. Toward that end, the following should help prepare the young’uns for that first visit.
Lesson 1: The Family goes to Disneyland
This is Disneyland.
It is the happiest place on earth.
Happy, happy, happy.
It is morning.
Daddy wanted to beat the lines.
Mommy wanted to sleep in.
They decided to compromise.
Mommy woke up earlier than she wanted.
Yawn, yawn, yawn.
Daddy looks at the long lines and mutters.
Mutter, mutter, mutter.
Mommy says, “Did you say something?”
Daddy says, “Let’s buy the tickets.”
Silence, silence, silence.
Lesson 2: Security
This is the security checkpoint.
This will keep you safe.
Protect, protect, protect.
They will keep out the crazy people.
They will keep out the scary people.
They will keep out the terrorists.
What fun thoughts to start your day.
See the guests open their bags.
See the security guards look in.
Peek, peek, peek.
Don’t you feel safer now?
Lesson 3: Buying Tickets
This is the ticket booth.
Daddy asks “How much?”
Curse, curse, curse.
Daddy brings out his card.
Charge, charge, charge.
Silly Daddy. He needs tickets for more than one day.
“How much?” he asks.
Curse, curse, curse.
Charge, charge, charge.
Oh, that’s right. You want to go to more than one park.
“How much more?” Daddy asks.
Curse! Curse! Curse!
Charge, charge, oops.
Something’s wrong with Daddy’s card.
You are glad Daddy already paid for the return trip.
Lesson 4: Lines
You are standing in a line.
You’ve already been in a bunch of other lines.
You stood in line for security and for tickets and to get in the park.
Wait, wait, wait.
There will be many more lines.
There will be lines to ride rides…to get food…to buy gifts…to see shows.
There is even a line to get a Fastpass.
What is a Fastpass?
That is a ticket that lets you get in another line.
Try not to think about it.
Wait, wait, wait.
You get to the front of this line and Daddy asks “Where are the restrooms?”
The nice lady points to another line.
This could be the worst line of all.
Lesson 5: Attractions
These are the rides.
Silly Disneyland. They call them attractions.
But we know they are really rides.
This is the Haunted Mansion.
Scare, scare, scare.
It is an old ride. It is very popular.
This is Pirates of the Caribbean.
Yo Ho, Yo Ho, Yo ho.
It is an old ride. It is very popular.
“Where are the new rides?” You ask.
Here is Mickey and the Magical Map.
Here is Winnie the Pooh.
Here is the Fantasy Faire.
“Are they popular?” You ask.
No one answers as you head for Small World.
Lesson 6: Food
This is a churro. This is a corn dog. This is a caramel apple.
This is a turkey leg. This is a chimichanga. This is a Dole Whip.
This is a Mickey ice cream. This is a Mickey Beignet.
This is more food than you’ve ever seen in your short, little life.
Eat, eat, eat.
Snack, snack, snack.
Chomp, chomp, chomp.
Daddy says it’s time for dinner.
You hold your stomach and roll your eyes.
Hey, there’s the Mad Tea Party.
Spin, spin, spin.
Good news! Now you have room for dinner.
Later Mommy and Daddy will go to Trader Sam’s by themselves.
Now that’s a meal.
Lesson 7: Annual Passholders
These people are annual passholders.
They can go to the park any time they want.
Lucky, lucky, lucky.
They call themselves “APs”.
Other people call them many other things.
They complain that items are not appropriately scaled.
They complain that the theme is not consistently maintained.
They complain that things don’t line up.
Complain, complain, complain.
They will tell you how many times they’ve been to Disneyland.
They will tell you they are experts on Disneyland.
They will tell you why Disneyland is not as good as it used to be.
What they won’t tell you is how to make them shut up.
Lesson 8: Shopping
You are in a store full of Disneyland souvenirs.
When you first came to the park the stores were empty.
Echo, echo, echo.
Now the park is closing and the stores are full.
They are crowded and hot.
Stink, stink, stink.
Daddy says Mommy is buying up the store.
Shop, shop, shop.
Mommy is in line to buy all her gifts.
“How will we pay for all this?” You ask.
Mommy opens her purse.
“Daddy doesn’t know about all my cards”.
Charge, charge, charge.
You can learn a lot from your Mommy.
Lesson 9: Leaving
It is the end of the day.
You waited in a line to get on the tram.
One last line. One last ride.
You are very tired. You hardly remember your day.
You think you remember rides.
You think you remember food.
You think you remember parades.
You know you remember people.
You know you remember lines.
Wait, wait, wait.
Daddy says, “Maybe we should get annual passes.”
You think that is a good idea.
And you promise you would never complain.
Happy, happy, happy.
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