You’ve Got To Be Kidding is parody. Sit back, relax and have a good time. . .

Earlier this week I received the following email.  I am not entirely sure what to make of it.  I will just have to let you read and decide for yourself.

It was with great interest that I read your recent piece about the D19 Expo.  I am quite sure it helped reveal to a greater audience the existence of this cut-rate event.  However, you and your readers are most assuredly unaware that there is an even more exclusive event out there.

There is a group of Disney fans who are the favored, the few, the chosen.  They are a cabal of fans with more money, influence, and privilege than a black-money sponsored PAC.  They are the select for whom a very special club has been developed:  D55.

How do I know?  I used to be one of them.  However, after the most recent D55 Expo, I resigned, no longer able to tolerate the sense of entitlement and snobbery that permeates the festivities.  D55 members scoff at the puny privilege of annual passholders.  They belittle the front-of-the-line treatment given to those escorted on VIP tours.  They mock those who believe in the exclusiveness of Club 33.  And they shed scorn upon those who think they are special for staying at the Dream Suite.  They are convinced that they are above all that.  They are the “fans” who, through power, influence, and, most of all, money, experience a level of exclusivity that is beyond anything you can imagine.

Why “D55”?  When the club was first proposed, the potential members spoke to Disney and explained it would be necessary for there to be an obvious separation between themselves and the hoi polloi who were members of D23.  Executives first suggested that it be called D33.  This was met with outright anger and disgust; the elitist membership wanted no indication that there was even a hint of association with the commoners who inhabited Club 33.  So, to show that vast superiority, executives moved higher up the numerical chain until D55 was found to be acceptable.  I know, you thought the title was meant to celebrate Disneyland’s opening.  That was just a mere coincidence.  With this group, it is all about catering to the fans and very little about celebrating Disney.

The waiting list to become a member is ten years.  You may ask how the waiting list can be ten years long when D55 (just like D23) started in 2009.  Again, that is just how exclusive this membership is; you had to know about it before it even existed.  And how much does it cost to be a member?  If you have to ask, you can’t afford it.

The D55 Expo is held every two years at an undisclosed location.  And when I say undisclosed, I mean undisclosed.  To maintain the ultimate in secrecy, even the D55 members are not told where it will be held.   Instead, on the Thursday before the Expo, members receive a phone call advising when they will be picked up.  At the appointed time, a long, black, unmarked limousine arrives – the only indication of its purpose the license plate “NOT 23”.

Inside, the windows of the limousine are blacked out to ensure the members cannot fell where the event is being held.  But they never complains since they are being distracted with champagne (served in flutes embossed with the Disney coat of arms), caviar (served with wooden spoons in the shape of Mickey’s ears), and corn dogs.

The limousine arrives in an underground location where the pampering and favoritism really begins.  Each member is greeted by the Fab Five who are dressed in a rather unusual fashion.  Mickey is wearing a butler’s uniform, Minnie is wearing a maid’s uniform, Donald is dressed as a bellhop, Goofy is dressed as a maintenance worker, and Pluto wears a security officer’s uniform.  Yes, each D55 member has the Fab Five as their personal hotel staff.

Thus begins three days of Disney bacchanalia.  Many of the presentations, panels, and exhibitions sound similar to those enjoyed at the D23 Expo, but the experience is completely different.

Take for example the live action film presentation.  Rather than an executive standing before the group and explaining the upcoming movies, the D55 members tell the executives what movies Disney will be producing.  You like the idea of Star Wars?  You’re welcome.  Of course, we were also responsible for John Carter.  But I will hasten to add that this was the result of one overly exuberant Burroughs fan.  And it should be noted that, shortly after this debacle, he mysteriously disappeared.  (There were rumors he went on to promote the Jupiter Ascending franchise, but none of us will ever know.)

D55 also has a very different version of autograph sessions.  D55 members sit in leather recliners behind wooden desks where they are provided an unending plethora of Mickey-shaped sustenance including Mickey gingerbread cookies, Mickey ice cream bars, Mickey pretzels, and waffles.  Once the members are settled and surrounded by their Mickeystravaganza, the stars arrive.  However, the purpose of the visit is nothing as mundane as the stars providing their signatures.  No, the stars come for the members’ signatures.  And I am told that more than one career has come to an end because they did not receive enough autographs.  Note that the coming year does not look promising for Dwayne Johnson as many members were heard saying something to the effect of “Really?  A wrestler?!!”  It all may sound glamourous, but after a while you get tired of trying to be nice to the likes of Johnny Depp, J. J. Abrams, and Daisy Ridley.  (And the less said about Stan Lee, the better.)

One significant difference is that the D55 Expo does not have any vendors.  Instead, all sales are from the Disney Corporation.  In the past, I was able to obtain the original burned Skippy figure, a Phantom Boat, and the brass spike that marked the actual center of Disneyland.  This year there was a significant uproar when members found that such objects as the dragon’s head from Fantasmic and Roy’s Disneyland ticket #1 slipped through the cracks and wound up in the archives.  I understand that this resulted in more than one “termination”.

And if you think such trinkets as D23 trading cards and Target-branded bags are nice giveaways, then you have no idea what a truly great giveaway can be.  This year each D55 member got a full-size, fully-functional Audio-animatronic figure created in their likeness.   The member could then choose to take the figure home or have it installed somewhere in the park.  The impression I get is that there will be some strange figures in the new Star Wars Land

There is so much more, but I am afraid I have shared too much already.  For obvious reasons I’m forced to keep my identify a secret.  If they knew who released the information…well, I’m not exactly sure what would happen, but I am convinced it would not be nice.  Suffice to say that audio-animatronics can quite easily be turned from good to evil.  But, as I said, I couldn’t take it anymore.  I couldn’t be a part of it.  And I felt the world had to…

Wait; what was that?

I was afraid of this.  There’s no more time.  I can see a black helicopter hovering outside my window.  And I’d swear the man driving the helicopter is wearing a Hawaiian shirt.

There is no time.  I have to get this message out.  Tell everyone.  Tell the world.  There is a secret cadre of…

And that is where the message ended.  I don’t know what to think.  I couldn’t be any more perplexed if this email had ended by saying that the D55 Expo was held in the Castle of Aaauuuggghhh.  Is it a hoax?  Is it true?  You will have to make your own decision.  But, even as I type this, I believe I hear the sound of a helicopter outside my window.  I just hope it doesn’t have a very special pilot.

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Mike Jacka
Mike lives in Phoenix, Arizona and has two claims to fame. The first is that he was born the day Disneyland opened. So, yes, he is old. The second is that he is the funniest internal auditor in the profession of internal auditing. Yes, a very low bar. Yes, this is akin to being the sanest person in the asylum. So why not combine those two great achievements? Why not combine that love for Disneyland with a slightly offbeat sense of humor? I guess we'll all find out.