You’ve Got To Be Kidding is parody. Sit back, relax and enjoy!
Monday, Andy Castro provided an excellent recap of the top Disneyland events of 2015. However, with all due deference to Mr. Castro, he did miss some of the most important happenings in and around the Happiest Place on Earth.
January 6: Rumors begin circulating that Disneyland will have a new Star Wars-themed land. Disney executives are coy about any developments saying everything will be explained during D23. However, when pressed about the potentially significant costs related to such an endeavor, they indicate they are not concerned because they are “in intense conversations with an unnamed Nigerian prince.”
February 26: A group of llamas breaks loose in Phoenix, AZ tying up traffic and setting off a national social media craze which includes the hashtag #LlamasonTheLoose. At the same time, Disney quietly issues a press release announcing they have been unable to locate Kuzco.
March 13: HarperCollins Publishers announces the release of another newly discovered Harper Lee novel titled Atticus and Scout Go To Disneyland.
April 14: No price increases are announced for Disney parks. There is much rejoicing.
April 24: Disneyland announces it will hold a presidential caucus one month before the Iowa caucuses. Within twenty-five minutes of the announcement, the park is filled to capacity with candidates, reporters, and off-duty cast members hoping to be interviewed by the media. Disney quickly reverses its decision when it realizes the crowds are made up of people who have no intention of spending any money in the park. Nonetheless, Mickey Mouse candidates continue to dominate the polls.
May 24: In lieu of the early caucus, Disney holds a nationally televised debate on the shores of the Rivers of America. Everyone agrees the highlight of the debate is when the scaffolding collapses and half the candidates fall into the river, never to be heard from again. Everyone further agrees that they had never heard of those candidates in the first place.
June 15: The US Mint announces a survey to determine which woman should replace Alexander Hamilton on the ten-dollar bill. Everyone is slightly surprised to see that the number one vote-getter is the Redhead. Soon, an official campaign is started using the hashtag #WeWanttheRedhead.
June 26: Disneyland bans all selfie sticks. Also banned are drones, any recording device with a screen greater than nine inches, and man buns.
July 17: Some kind of party is thrown. Details are sketchy.
July 18: After the enormous success of the early introductions for Disneyland’s 50th and 60th anniversaries, Disney throws a gala three-hour presentation to outline the plans for the 75th anniversary. Everyone is excited to hear that the celebrations will include new fireworks, a new parade, and new bunting for the castle. Complementary 75th anniversary cupcakes are handed out. They look suspiciously like those from the 50th anniversary.
August 4: No price increases are announced for Disney parks. Again, there is much rejoicing.
September: For a two-week period, Disneyland is filled to capacity as fans flock to see the park without any holiday or special celebration overlays. Disney is quick to respond with an upcharge event titled “Remember: The Actual Disneyland Park:”
September 28: NASA reveals that water has been found on Mars. In a surprising revelation, the water is contained in Disney-branded bottles. “Up there,” a NASA official is quoted as saying, “Three dollars a bottle will seem cheap.”
October 4: No price increases are…darn it. Never mind.
October 9: The park celebrates the 1,000th reference to Frozen – a tiny Olaf made out of snow in the Haunted Mansion Holidays graveyard scene. Everyone agrees it is the attraction’s scariest addition ever.
November 9: SeaWorld announces that it will no longer stage its killer whale shows. Disney executives are appropriately perplexed when animal rights activists quickly turn their attention to Disneyland, demanding the animals living in Toon Town be similarly protected.
December 17: Costumes are banned in the park. Lines for character meet-and-greets are the shortest in recent memory when the HR Department misunderstands the directive, believing it also applies to all cast members.
December 31: Everyone agrees that, no matter what we say or do, we still think Disneyland is one of the best places we can ever be.