You’ve Got To Be Kidding is parody. Pull up a chair, sit back and allow yourself to enjoy a moment of humor. . .

Today I am proud to introduce a new and more than likely never recurring feature for “You’ve Got To Be Kidding”. Welcome to “Ask the Old Disney Guy”. The Old Disney Guy is your unexpected expert on all things Disney and is more than happy to answer your questions, whether he knows the answers or not. So, let’s Ask the Old Disney Guy…

I’ve heard there is a golden spike in the entrance to Fantasyland under Sleeping Beauty’s Castle that marks the exact center of Disneyland. Is this true?

Unfortunately, no. This is one of those myths that are repeated so often people believe it is true, much like the rumors that someone died on the Haunted Mansion requiring Disney to tone down the horror, that Walt Disney’s frozen head is under Pirates of the Caribbean, and that Star Wars is a natural fit for the park.

Speaking of Walt’s frozen head, I’m not crazy enough to believe that rumor, but I have it on the greatest authority that his entire body was cryogenically frozen. Is there any way I can see it?

Not exactly. For years, Disney has denied the existence of a cryogenically frozen Walt Disney. However, with the unending desire to develop new attractions around Frozen themes, they will be updating the Disneyland Story in the Opera House. The Steve Martin film will be replaced with a reproduction of the cryogenic chamber which houses Mr. Disney’s body. Every fifteen minutes, video projections of Anna and Elsa will appear to cast a spell on the chamber. Then, an audio-animatronic version of Walt will sit up, look around at the audience, and say. “T-t-t-to a-a-all who c-c-c-come to-to this Hap-p-p-py p-p-p-p-place…W-w-welc-c-come… Geez it’s cold! Has anyone got a sc-c-c-cotch m-m-m-m-mist?)”

What time is the 3:30 parade?

6:30 Eastern, 5:30 Central.

What happens if I point something out with one finger?

Nothing. However, chose your finger wisely.

I find that, after spending a long morning enjoying myself at the parks, by the afternoon I am completely worn out. Are there any good places to sneak a nap?

It is situations just like this that make us all miss the old DCA. Quiet, empty, unexciting…it was the perfect place to catch forty or more winks. And the most perfect spot within DCA was Superstar Limo. There was never any wait to board the attraction, you found yourself quickly numbed to sleep, and you could ride as long as you wanted, stretched out across the seat, because nobody was ever in line. Ah, those were the good old days.

Nowadays, you have to work a little harder to get the rest you so richly deserve. You are looking for attractions where you sit for an extended time, but little is actually going on. Small World is a favorite with many, but I find there is no good place to rest your head. (Not that this is always a bad thing.  While falling into the lap of the person next to you can mean an early exit from the park, it might also result in a date for your next visit.) The Disneyland Railroad also works well, particularly if you can get in the back row to rest your head. However, the stops come too often, the whistle blows too loudly, and there are way too many people waking you up as they move to the next available seat. For my money, the absolute best spot is a corner seat at the Enchanted Tiki Room. The corner provides perfect neck support, the show is 13 minutes of uninterrupted darkness, and, when the storm begins, you will be gently wakened with no one being the wiser. As soon as Jose complains that his siestas are getting chorter and chorter, take a chort siesta yourself.

If I buy a multi-day park hopper pass and then do not use all the days, can I get my money back?

Of course. Unfortunately, reimbursement comes in the form of Euro Disney Dollars.

How do I find which attractions will be closed during my visit?

Murphy’s Law of Disneyland: If it is your favorite attraction, it will be closed.

Is there a way I can ensure my children get to meet their favorite characters?

The most obvious solution is the various meet-and-greets and character meals. However, if you want that truly special experience, follow the characters as they depart. Then, when no one is looking, take your children through the doors marked “Cast Members Only”. This is Disneyland and all such warnings are just suggestions. (In another installment I will tell you about my suggestions for an unauthorized visit to the Matterhorn you might enjoy.) Your children will have a character experience like no other including unthemed walkways, characters without their heads, and a full cadre of security personnel providing a special guided tour to the front of the park. The remainder of your visit will pale in comparison.

Do I go to Disneyland or DCA to experience Harry Potter?

If you are from states like Colorado or Washington, you should be able to experience this in either park. However, current laws in California restrict locals from enjoying a comparable experience.

What should be my first stop at Disneyland?

For me, it is the restrooms. See the title of this piece.

Don’t you agree that Walt Disney would be upset by all the crash commercialism that pervades the parks nowadays?

Three words…Wizard of Bras. Further deponent sayeth not.

Can you get me into Club 33?

Can you get me in?

On my most recent trip to Disneyland, I noticed the Morse code at the New Orleans Square railroad station. Does this actually translate into anything?

Originally, the sound was just a random collection of dits and dahs. However, when the Disney Corporation was advised that some of the random sounds were spelling out “Sell your Disney stock now!”, this was quickly changed to “This is the happiest place on earth. This is the happiest place on earth” repeated hypnotically over and over.

My last trip to Disneyland was absolutely ruined when a rain storm came through. Why doesn’t Disney do something about this?

In the early 90’s, Disney actually implemented a project called Operation “Who’ll Stop the Rain”. (This title was dropped under the threat of lawsuit by Fantasy Records who, in a surprise move, also included John Fogerty as a co-defendant.) Disney developed a retractable dome that was an ingenious contraption made up of tarps, metal, wood, and foliage, all appropriately themed to the land it was coveringr. On days that would be too warm or days when rain was predicted, the dome was deployed. Obviously, this would necessitate the cancellation of fireworks shows and was actually the beginning of the current practice of cancelling those shows during inclement weather. Unfortunately, the program was discontinued after only one summer when it was found to have a harmful effect on everything growing in the park.

The last remnants of this giant dome could be seen covering part of Big Thunder Ranch. Unfortunately, they will be taken down as part of the Star Wars expansion and this important part of Disneyland history will no longer exist. That’s why many of us have started the “Save the Canopy” campaign. Disney is just tearing up too much of its history. Please sign our petition.

Will Disneyland ever be finished?

Yes. This was accomplished on March 3, 1995.

I hope you have found this both entertaining and informational. Let me know if you have any other questions you’d like answered.

Mike Jacka
Mike lives in Phoenix, Arizona and has two claims to fame. The first is that he was born the day Disneyland opened. So, yes, he is old. The second is that he is the funniest internal auditor in the profession of internal auditing. Yes, a very low bar. Yes, this is akin to being the sanest person in the asylum. So why not combine those two great achievements? Why not combine that love for Disneyland with a slightly offbeat sense of humor? I guess we'll all find out.