You’ve Got To Be Kidding is parody. Sit back, relax and allow yourself to smile . . .
A lot going on around the park these days. Here’s a few stories you may have missed.
Pumpkin Spice Makes a Big Splash
In the spirit of the fall season, Disneyland will be fully embracing the headlong rush to the bandwagon that is pumpkin spice. “Halloween has become a very important part of the Disneyland experience,” said an unnamed spokesperson, “and joining the hugely popular pumpkin spice trend is a natural development for the park. To begin with, we will be expanding the pumpkin spice offerings to more traditional fare resulting in such gastronomic delights as pumpkin spice churros, popcorn, and corn dogs. But to ensure a truly immersive experience, pumpkin spice sights and smells will now be found everywhere in the parks.”
Small touches will be seen in all attractions. Examples include adding pumpkin pies and pumpkin tea to Minnie’s House, and switching out miniature pumpkins for the apples Snow White’s Evil Queen now holds. But bigger changes will also be evident in some attractions. For example, targets in Buzz Lightyear Astro Blasters will now emit the smell of pumpkin spice whenever they are hit. And every squawk from every bird in the Enchanted Tiki Room will include a generous whiff of pumpkin spice.
However, the most exciting change will be the addition of pumpkin spice to every water effect within the parks. The ultimate experience will occur in Splash Mountain. According to the unnamed spokesperson, “Guests will be literally inundated with pumpkin spice as scented water covers them at the final drop. They will carry that smell with them in the park and all the way home – an ever present reminder of fall in Disneyland.”
Immersing yourself in Disneyland during the Halloween season will now mean immersing yourself in pumpkin spice. The only question is, can there be too much of a good thing? Of course not; not in Disney’s hands. After all, look how well they handled Frozen.
Too Big to Fail
Disney has applied for and been granted “Too Big to Fail” status from the US Government. The company proclaimed this as a victory for the organization and for Disney fans everywhere. An unnamed spokesperson was quoted as saying, “This means we can now make even bigger investments in the parks without fear of bottom line failures.” The spokesperson provided no details regarding those investments only saying “The blue sky is the limit.”
As a part of the agreement, Disney has promised to take “all reasonable steps” to ensure they do not fail. Therefore, prior to initiating the significant costs associated with the increased investments, it has been revealed that Disney’s first step will be the pursuit of a more aggressive approach to increased ticket prices. The unnamed spokesperson noted, “Don’t worry. The increased revenue will be put to good use. If you think the Tower of Terror transformation was something, just wait until you see what we can do with even more money.”
The spokesperson also revealed there is increased optimism at Disney because “recent events have shown us that, if we lose enough money, we shouldn’t have to pay any taxes for a very long time.”
Disney Security Experiences Major Change
In response to the long lines, logistic issues, and customer complaints that have occurred because of Disney’s current metal detector policy, the company has announced a change in security protocols. An unnamed spokesperson stated “We have determined that current security procedures for entering the park are neither efficient nor cost effective, resulting in a deterioration of the guest experience and the company’s bottom line.” The spokesperson went on to say that Disney is now embracing an “armed society is a polite society” policy, reversing its stand on barring firearms within the park.
A new ad campaign, “When guns are outlawed from Disneyland, only outlaws will have guns in Disneyland” begins airing in the next month. It will highlight happy families, guns in hand, strolling down Main Street, riding attractions, and joyously running up to meet Disney characters who are similarly armed. In one particularly touching scene, a child pulls a gun on a group of Stormtroopers who immediately raise their hands in the air. Everyone smiles and hugs are shared all around.
Quickly seizing on the opportunity, Disneyland’s merchandise department has gone into overtime bringing back Star Wars blasters, Buzz Lightyear Astro blasters, and the Frontier Land pistols and rifles – now with a more lethal punch. To help ensure the timely availability of appropriate defenses, Disney has received approval to waive all waiting periods and background checks. The unnamed spokesperson noted “Guest safety is our number one priority, and, in this environment, that safety is best enhanced with an easy access to personal defense.”
While the initial roll-out has gone fairly well, there have been a few hiccups. Most notably, a shoot-out broke out in the final scene of Pirates of the Caribbean. Said one rider “I heard shots being fired and I knew it was my duty to fire back.” Fortunately, no guests were injured in the ensuing firefight. However, Disneyland has announced the attraction will be closed for the foreseeable future as Imagineers try to piece together the remaining shreds of that scene’s audio-animatronics.