You’ve Got To Be Kidding is parody. We can’t guarantee you’ll enjoy it, but you’ll live longer if you do.
The Disney corporation has always maintained a laser-like focus on our fans, ready to provide rapid response and reaction to their concerns and needs. An example of this was our recent announcement of changes to Pirates of the Caribbean – a classic Disney attraction that, while a fan favorite, contained scenes that some found offensive. However, the backlash to this announcement has shown we may have overcorrected.
Therefore, let us begin by announcing that planned changes to the ever-popular auctioneer scene have been shelved. The pirates will continue to lustily chant their desire for the redhead while the far-less-desirable women of the town titter in expectation of finally becoming attached to the man of their dreams.
But there is much more. This feedback also indicates we are working too hard at making our attractions safe and family-friendly. Accordingly, we are proud to announce “The Year of Giving an Edge to Disney Parks.”
Starting with Disneyland’s 62nd anniversary, an entire year will be devoted to giving all Disney parks and attractions an extra edge, abandoning concerns about political correctness and bringing greater reality to the parks.
This transformation will include reversing some of the changes made in the past. Of course, this includes restoring Pirates of the Caribbean to its former glory by putting the pirates right back where they belong – leeringly chasing women, not because they want to chase food, but because they want to chase women. You will also see the return of the rotund pirate holding a torn slip and asking for help finding the young lady who is hiding in the barrel next to him. And he will still generously offer to share.
The cabin on Tom Sawyer Island will once again be set ablaze. Also returning will be the dead settler with an arrow protruding quite prominently from his back. And, if you look closely, you will see he has now been scalped. There will also be much more evidence of the struggle with a few more bodies strewn about the landscape – both settlers and Indians.
Most people probably do not remember that the original shooting galleries had live ammunition. But that is another change that will be reversed. The shooting galleries in all Frontierlands will soon shoot lead pellets. And to “plus” the edge just a little bit, all guns will now have an increased range of motion.
Speaking of guns, all toy guns, knives, swords, and other weapons of self-defense will be brought back to the shelves. Also available will be upgraded models using real wood and steel. The cost for sharpening will be extra.
To prove our commitment to an edgier Disney experience, minor modification will be made as soon as possible. This includes real stingers on “It’s Tough to be a Bug!”, actual cigar smoke in Pinocchio’s Daring Adventure (including a partnership with the newly reopened Tobacco Shop), and the sound of a gunshot as the curtains close on Great Moments with Mr. Lincoln. Also, the scent of the caterpillar’s hookah smoke in Alice in Wonderland may remind many of concerts they attended in their youth.
But, much of our work will be on our most famous attractions. The Jungle Cruise is a perfect example of the minor and major changes that will be occurring. No longer will boat captains shy away from saying the zebra has been killed and is being eaten by the lions. Shots will be fired directly at the hippos, with devastating results to some of the animals. The piranha attack will now include quite a bit of “red” water. Natives will throw real spears, some of which may actually enter the boats. And Trader Sam will be holding shrunken heads that resemble relatives of Disney guests.
And you can expect similar treatments to our other iconic attractions. Here are a few sneak peaks:
• If an attraction contains a Yeti, expect to see severed body parts.
• Actual rock fragments will fly as Big Thunder Mountain Railroad explodes.
• A less sanitized and safe version of the Haunted Mansion will include blood, blood, and more blood. And Doom Buggies will no longer feel so safe as live performers try their best to help you become the mansion’s less-than-happy 1,000th haunt.
• To better reflect the times in which we live “It’s a Small World” will contain hidden terrorists in “those” countries, complete with occasional watery bomb blasts.
• For Splash Mountain, let’s just say that Uncle Remus will become a prominent part of the attraction, assuming a position he should have had all along
All of these changes will be completed in time for Disneyland’s 63rd anniversary when “The Year of Giving an Edge to Disney Parks” will come to a close with a 24-hour party to be held in every Disney theme park. There will be a number of events including a costume contest for the most historically accurate Disney character, the return of the Party Gras Parade with beads awarded for behavior appropriate for the rewarding of beads, and, for the first time ever, liquor served everywhere in every park.
I’m sure everyone can agree that these fantastic changes will help Disney continue to provide the preeminent theme park experience. By taking the steps you have all requested – by refusing to worry so much about political correctness and how people may be offended – we know we will continue to be great.
What could go wrong?