Any day can be April Fools with Mike Jacka and You’ve Got To Be Kidding. This time around he’s pulled something spooky out of his brain for Halloween at the Disneyland Resort.

The Not-So-Scary Halloween Party is just a week away and it appears that, once again, it will be a runaway success. However, if you’ve been paying attention, you will have noticed that, every year, there has been just a little more “scary” creeping into the party. It all started with Ghost Galaxy. And this year’s introduction of Guardians of the Galaxy – Monsters After Dark continues the trend.

Be prepared for more. Unnamed sources indicate that, within a few weeks, Disney will be announcing the biggest changes ever to the Halloween party. Next year, for the first time ever, haunt mazes will be a part of the Disney Halloween experience. The promise is that, even though each maze will be distinctly Disney, each will provide the thrills, chills, and scares that will keep even the most jaded Halloween fan awake long after the party ends.

Following are some of the proposed offerings:

In the Hall of the Corporate Kings

Something evil lurks in the fog-shrouded hallways of Disney’s corporate offices. Caught in the maze of cubicles, desks, and file cabinets, you will be forced to go deep within its lair. The lights grow dimmer. You notice a fetid smell. And then you hear the eerie sound of something being sliced. Just ahead is the abyss, the void, the land of limbo where ideas go to do die. This is where hopes and dreams are cut, chopped, and butchered by the sharpened pencils of…Corporate Accounting. The maze comes to an abrupt end when you are suddenly bathed in bright lights and you hear the announcement. “That’s it. Shut it down. Too expensive.”

Return of the Living Chairman

There is a sense of foreboding – of evil returned to this happiest of places. Passing through an uninspiring entrance, you find yourself surrounded by mindless, slack-jawed zombies lurching and lumbering from store to store, all mumbling the ominous phrase, “Paul Pressler has returned.” You are in the Disney Resort’s new third gate, MerchandiseLand – a park composed entirely of shops, restaurants, and dispirited entertainment. To escape the undead shoppers you must dodge the cascading torrents of overstock merchandise, elude the pursuing food carts, and avoid eating the fiftieth-birthday cupcakes. Then, when escape seems to lie just ahead, you see the ultimate horror – the exits are manned by an unending horde of Duffys.

The Song Remains Insane

A classic battle of good and evil…or in this case, evil, evil, and more evil. You are caught in a crossfire – not a battle of swords, guns, or demons, but a battle of music. Entering the Wurlitzer Music Hall, you hear music seeping through the walls. You have no choice but to explore. You turn a corner, open a door, and are instantly bombarded by the cacophony of Disney park’s songs. Swisskapolka, Great Big Beautiful Tomorrow, The Tiki Tiki Tiki Tiki Room, Baroque Hoedown – all playing at the same time; each battling for attention and dominance. Just when you think you’ve reached your limit, the biggest monster of them all appears. Small World bellows, blusters and bombasts its way into the room. The pandemonium is horrible, but not as horrible as your last cogent thought. “Which ear worm will I be stuck with for the rest of my life?”

Being Goofy – A VR Experience

Slip on the VR goggles and slip into a brand-new experience. This isn’t just virtual reality; this is virtual terroreality. You are trapped. You cannot breathe. You cannot see. You are buffeted from all directions. The sound of high-pitched screams pierce your ears. You find a mirror and discover your greatest fear come to life…you are a Disney character. There is no food, no water, no air, no escape. The torture and terror is seemingly eternal, but you finally come to the end of your shift. It is only then that you learn a complaint has been filed by a lady who claims you groped here. Just remember, the scares are fake, but the lawsuits are real.

Of course, that is just the beginning of Disney’s big plans. While the details are sketchier, the following mazes are also being planned:

Club 666 – An upcharge event that allows you to enter a secret club where you can spend more money to spend more money.

Declining by Degrees – See firsthand the peeling paint, rusting rails, and dimming lights of a Disney park.

High School Musical: The Horror – Just when you thought it was safe to turn on the television.

Disney Hotel Hellifornia – Still waiting? You can’t even check in any time you like.

Walt’s Back – And he’s none too happy about what you did with Epcot.

And the scariest project of all – the return of Superstar Limo.

Previous articleYesterland: Rocket to the Moon
Next articleSeason Pass Podcast- Rethink w/ Roberts, Lawrence, Kalbfeld & West!
Mike lives in Phoenix, Arizona and has two claims to fame. The first is that he was born the day Disneyland opened. So, yes, he is old. The second is that he is the funniest internal auditor in the profession of internal auditing. Yes, a very low bar. Yes, this is akin to being the sanest person in the asylum. So why not combine those two great achievements? Why not combine that love for Disneyland with a slightly offbeat sense of humor? I guess we'll all find out.