You’ve Got To Be Kidding is inspired by the Gumball Rally today. Surely you have some additional mantras to assist with a Disney visit . . .

The Gumball Rally is today and, like everyone else, I am busily constructing a sure-fire strategy for success. (The difference is that mine is the only one that will be successful. As Bullwinkle always said, “This time for sure!!!”)

But this reminded me that any trip to a Disney park requires its own strategy for success. Any guest who wants to survive the perils, pitfalls, and pratfalls of a Disney visit must have a plan. And there is no better place to turn when formulating those plans than the mightiest of Disney strategists, Sun Tzu, and his incomparable treatise, The Art of Visiting Disneyland. Following are some of the more famous quotes.

There is a way that is not known by the multitude. Study hard, and learn the way. But use it judiciously lest the multitude adapt the way and muck it all up on your next visit.

Do not prepare for only the battle. Preparation for the journey is the difference between success and the agony of defeat. Are you sure you want to where those shoes?

Who wishes to fight must first count the cost. That exorbitant price you just paid only covered parking.

Let your plan be dark and impenetrable as night, and when you move, move quickly, without concern about cutting off that obnoxious lady who keeps blocking your way with her stroller.

There is a flow to the enemy’s progress. Understand that flow and how to oppose it. You can see the entire parade in half the time if you walk upstream.

All successful visits are based on deception. Hence, when we are ready to get in line, we must seem unable; when headed for the next attraction, we must appear inactive; when the objective is one way, we must point the other direction and shout “What was that?”; when the line is long, we must mumble the word “downtime”; and pretending to look old and frail never hurts.

In the midst of chaos, there is also opportunity. The rope drop is a formidable weapon.

The battle is not only fought outside your body, but inside, as well. You must conquer the latter to ensure victory over the former. Always know the location of the nearest restroom

When the crowd is hungry, be full. When the crowd is satiated, be hungry. Thus will the wait for Dole Whip be reduced.

Quietness is your ally. Noise is your enemy’s enemy. The father distracted by noisome children will fall without a struggle.

Flow with change; do not fight it. Misplaced obsessions distract from victory. Pixar is taking over the pier, Frozen is part of Norway, and Guardians is ugly. Get over it.

Keep silent lest knowledge of your strategy become too widely known. Use great stealth when asking for single-rider passes

Victorious visitors win first and then visit the park; defeated visitors visit the park and then seek to win. The line at City Hall is full of the latter.

Knowing the secrets is only the beginning. Knowing those who know the secrets is even better. But best is knowing those who know those who know someone who belongs to Club 33.

If you know the enemy and know yourself, you need not fear, even in the face of one hundred queues.

If you know yourself but not the enemy, for every attraction gained you will miss two.
And if you know neither the enemy nor yourself, you will wander aimlessly achieving nothing more than riding a few “A” ticket attractions, watching parades from the back of the crowd, and noshing on the occasional Mickey pretzel.

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Mike lives in Phoenix, Arizona and has two claims to fame. The first is that he was born the day Disneyland opened. So, yes, he is old. The second is that he is the funniest internal auditor in the profession of internal auditing. Yes, a very low bar. Yes, this is akin to being the sanest person in the asylum. So why not combine those two great achievements? Why not combine that love for Disneyland with a slightly offbeat sense of humor? I guess we'll all find out.