You’ve got to be kidding is parody. Pull up a chair and join in the fun.
Here it is the middle of March and so much has already happened at the parks. The Lunar New Year Celebration, the Food and Wine Festival, the Gumball Rally – the year has been a cavalcade of official and unofficial fun. And there is still so much more to come. To help plan the upcoming year, here is an updated calendar of events for Disneyland.+
March 16th – Eggs-stravaganza
This popular egg-themed scavenger hunt has become a springtime tradition. Search for special hidden “eggs” themed to Disney and Pixar characters, and record your discoveries by placing the corresponding sticker on the themed Egg-stravaganza map to represent that location. Then, at the end of the day, sit back and enjoy your completed map as you contemplate just how much of your admission ticket was spent putting stickers on a piece of paper.
April 21st – Dapper Days
Dress in your finest duds.
April 28th – Flapper Days
Dress like it’s the roaring twenties.
May – Pirates of the Caribbean Reopens (with new auctioneer scene)
Let the wailing and gnashing of teeth begin.
May and June – Grad Nights
Be afraid…be very afraid.
May 5th– Rapper Days
Dress as your favorite rapper. (Allow an extra hour to get through the metal detectors)
May 19th – Ripper Days.
Dress as Jack the Ripper or one of your favorite victims.
May 26th – 28th– The Running of the Rope Drop
To celebrate the unofficial beginning of summer, Disney will hold its first annual Running of the Rope Drop. At the beginning of each day, participants who have signed a waiver absolving Disney of any and all damages will be placed directly opposite the crowd waiting to rush to their favorite attractions. Darth Vader will be on hand and, at the wave of his light saber, the rope will drop, the crowds will begin their stampede, and participants will make a mad dash to keep from being trampled by the rabid crowd. For anyone who survives, front of the line access to the opening of Star Wars: Galaxy’s Edge will be provided. It should be noted that, in their projections of the final results, Disney has budgeted zero dollars for prizes.
June 23rd – Pixar Pier Opening
All of your favorite Paradise Pier offerings will come out from under wraps with a new Pixar look. This will be followed by…
June 24th – Pixar Pier Opening Complaints Day
Hundreds of Disney fan sites will publish the negative reviews of Pixar Pier that were written as soon as the project was announced. This will immediately be followed by…
June 25th – Pixar Pier Opening Complaints Ignored Day
Crowds will completely ignore what is written and have a good time anyway.
June 30th– Dipper Days
Dress as your favorite Gravity Falls Character.
July 7th– Diaper Days
Bring the little ones adorned in their finest Disney diapers. (Adults are asked, nay begged, to not participate.)
July 17th – Celebrating 63 Years
Once again, the parks will put on a huge party celebrating the birthday of this column’s author. As always, I am honored and humbled by this over-the-top extravaganza. However, I am still puzzled as to why they won’t let me in free for my own celebration.
August 15th – The Brood and Whine Festival
D23 has put together an all new experience, dedicated to those fans who always have something to say about every little change that happens in the parks. The Brood and Whine Festival will be held the week of August 15th in the empty soundstage that contained “Who Wants to be a Millionaire – Play It!” To ensure a full and sincere sharing of thoughts and feelings, all events will be held immediately after happy hour. (A special mimosa brunch will be held on Sunday). Sessions will include “Why Don’t They Bring Back the Flying Saucers, and Why Did They Ever Build Luigi’s Tires?”, “Just How Lame is the Food and Wine Festival, and Why Is It So Short?”, “Of course I Always Complained About Aladdin’s Oasis, But Why Did They Get Rid of It?”, and what is sure to be a perennial favorite, “Back in My Day…”
September 8th – Stripper Days
Unfortunately, this was cancelled as soon as the Disney Corporation got wind of it
September 22nd– Gipper Days
Dress as Ronnie, Nancy, or such cabinet favorites as Jim Baker, Ed Meese, Elizabeth Dole, or Robert Bork. (An evening event is also being held at the Reagan Library. To enter, tell them Ollie North sent you.)
October 1st – Dia de los Muertas
To make this year’s celebrations more inclusive, Disney will also be celebrating Dia de los Muertos Vivientes, Dia de la Vida, Dia del Chacal, and Dia de los Trifidos. [Editor’s note: My apologies if my translations come out to mean something they were not intended to mean.]
October 20th – Trader Sam’s Halloween Spectacular
The specifics for this year’s special event have not been announced. However, the details related to the new Tiki mug have leaked. Apparently, the Shrunken Zombie Head will be served in the likeness of a Tiki mug collector who is aghast when he realizes just how much he has spent collecting, of all things, Tiki mugs
Date TBA – The Big One
Researchers within Imagineering have determined that this is the year “the big one” will hit California. To ensure there is no decrease in the number of people who enjoy Disney parks, they are keeping the date under wraps. (It should be noted that absolutely no events are planned after Halloween.) Two days before the big one is scheduled to occur, Disney will throw a spectacular fireworks event with the final display spelling out the date of the big one. The next day they will reveal that there never was a Star Wars land. Rather, this has been the cover story for a major project called “Operation Relocation”. Using a combination of wind power, solar power, rockets, and roller skates, the Disneyland Resort will be propelled to an undisclosed location just outside of Blythe.
Mark down those dates and plan accordingly. Here’s to another great Disney year.