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Barbaraann

Secrets

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by , 10-26-2011 at 03:46 PM
My mom died 3 1/2 years ago from Alzheimer's. She was 82 years old. I remember an afternoon about two years prior to that. My mom was having her usual daily beers. Sometimes when she was enjoying her beer, she would talk more than usual. I especially remember this one day. She chose that time to tell me a secret from her past. As it turned out, I already knew the secret, but I didn't know the specifics of the event. She caught me off guard, and I became quiet, and remember changing the subject. I think she wanted to tell me more. Perhaps she wanted to explain. Perhaps she felt that I would think less of her as a person, and as a mother. I didn't, of course. I didn't tell her that I already knew. I didn't say much. I guess by changing the subject, I dismissed her like a little child, being punished, because a short time after that she brought it up again, and this time I felt she didn't want to share her feelings.

I think about this from time to time. I didn't need to know the whys, and the wherefore's. I often wonder what made me stop her. Was it embarassing for me, or to save her from embarassment? Sometimes, I feel that I should have listened. I feel that I let my mom down that day.

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