Why can't life be easy. Ok, not easy, just not freakin' miserable..
by, 10-23-2007 at 08:44 AM
I'm going to sound selfish for a bit. I hate that. So many people are worried for the safety of their family and homes, my issues should be on the back burner why I offer love and support.
I do care, for all of you impacted, I care and I'm here to do what I can.
Once again, I'm struggling.
I'm horribly disappointed with myself. I'm still sick but getting better. But I've go no motivation to try and fix my health. I don't beleive I can do it, so I'm not willing to even try. I just see the failure looming. And yet, I'd really prefer to not die. How many times do you hear you're high risk for heart attacks/strokes before you do something. Mine has been 3 and still nothing.
And I feel like an incredibly bad person and bad daughter. My mom and I are not close, and she's always made me feel insecure, unwanted and not quite up to par. She stopped by and told me she was having major surgery on Thursday but in the next breath handed me a scrapbook that excluded my father. Honestly, in that instant I felt like she wished our family had never existed. Usually I just feel badly about myself after our encounters, this time I was angry and just wanted her to be as gone as she seemed to want my little dysfunctional family gone.
Now I have to man up and do the right thing and plan on seeing/checking on her after her surgery. I have no desire to do it, but I couldn't live with myself if I didn't.
Other than that, I'm feeling better and feeling stronger, but it always seems like I just can't catch a break.