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sunnygirl

A startling and frightening insight into the mind of a total loon

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by , 04-05-2009 at 12:48 PM
Anybody who knows me knows that optimism is NOT my strong point. My worldview leans towards the fatalistic. I tend to fall into despair and fear when faced with a challenge. I do not know why this is, only that it is.

My life has gone through such dramatic changes over the last few years. Hell, just in the last 6 months, even. And almost all of those changes sent me into a spiral of panic, fear, and self doubt. No matter how many times I've proven to myself that I have what it takes to overcome whatever roadblocks stand between me and whatever I want, I always find myself doubting. Can I handle this? Can I get through this? How will I possibly come out of this? I do not know why this is, only that it is.

So here I am. I've survived quitting a perfectly good (if stressful) job. I've survived quitting therapy and anti-anxiety drugs. I've survived being unemployed for 4 months. I've survived marital problems. I've survived the disappointment of not achieving my goal of going to school and making more of myself. I've survived everything that's been thrown at me.

Did I survive it with grace? Absolutely not. I was paralyzed by fear and indecision. I became a nightmare to be around for my family and friends. And...somehow, once again, I climbed out of it on the other side, looked around, and realized that I made it through intact.

Life isn't easy. Some people are better equipped to cope with bumps in the road than others. I'm not one of those people. Even when I make up my mind to use optimism as a way to pull through it, I don't buy into it. I don't believe in myself, choosing instead to believe that luck has gotten me through times of crisis and trouble. This isn't something I like about myself, but I don't know how to change it and sometimes worry that it's too late to teach this old dog any new tricks.

I'm blessed to be surrounded by people who believe in me, even when I can't (or won't) belive in myself. Time and time again, I feel like I've let those people down, and that their belief in me is misplaced. I wonder if I'll ever be able to see myself the way they do?

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  1. MTNGIRL's Avatar
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    That last line up there - exactly how I feel most of the time.

    I take it a bit farther than you and shut down and shut off because it's easy for me to feel it's easier to be invisible.


    I get it, I really do. I'm glad we've got each other to lean on. I feel incredibly blessed.
  2. mamabot's Avatar
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    Putting the faith in one's friends and family when they need them is an incredibly difficult task. You know that you have the support and the love. You know that everyone will be there for you always.

    When you get to the low points, remember that people are there to pick you up after you fall. They are always there for you no matter what. You have a tremendous support system.
  3. All Aglow's Avatar
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    I understand where you're coming from completely.

    And I've said it before, and I'll say it again and again, but I truly admire you. You put it all out there. You know it doesn't always make sense. But, you release it and you don't forget those who are there for you.

    One of the reasons I admire you so is that I have a real problem doing the same. I feel that sharing my problems will just drag others down and make them pull away, so I shut down and push them away before they can do it. Why do I feel that way? When those I care about have a crisis, I don't want to run from them, I want to be there to listen and help in any way possible. Yet, I don't feel that I deserve the same or convince myself that I won't get it.

    You, my dear, are truly a gem in my life. You also have this remarkable way of sending me a little note by PM, text or email exactly when I need it the most. I tell people about you a lot and I look up to you. Autumn has a lot of issues already in life, but I see the same characteristics in her that I admire in you, and I know she'll be better than okay.