A startling and frightening insight into the mind of a total loon
by, 04-05-2009 at 12:48 PM
Anybody who knows me knows that optimism is NOT my strong point. My worldview leans towards the fatalistic. I tend to fall into despair and fear when faced with a challenge. I do not know why this is, only that it is.
My life has gone through such dramatic changes over the last few years. Hell, just in the last 6 months, even. And almost all of those changes sent me into a spiral of panic, fear, and self doubt. No matter how many times I've proven to myself that I have what it takes to overcome whatever roadblocks stand between me and whatever I want, I always find myself doubting. Can I handle this? Can I get through this? How will I possibly come out of this? I do not know why this is, only that it is.
So here I am. I've survived quitting a perfectly good (if stressful) job. I've survived quitting therapy and anti-anxiety drugs. I've survived being unemployed for 4 months. I've survived marital problems. I've survived the disappointment of not achieving my goal of going to school and making more of myself. I've survived everything that's been thrown at me.
Did I survive it with grace? Absolutely not. I was paralyzed by fear and indecision. I became a nightmare to be around for my family and friends. And...somehow, once again, I climbed out of it on the other side, looked around, and realized that I made it through intact.
Life isn't easy. Some people are better equipped to cope with bumps in the road than others. I'm not one of those people. Even when I make up my mind to use optimism as a way to pull through it, I don't buy into it. I don't believe in myself, choosing instead to believe that luck has gotten me through times of crisis and trouble. This isn't something I like about myself, but I don't know how to change it and sometimes worry that it's too late to teach this old dog any new tricks.
I'm blessed to be surrounded by people who believe in me, even when I can't (or won't) belive in myself. Time and time again, I feel like I've let those people down, and that their belief in me is misplaced. I wonder if I'll ever be able to see myself the way they do?