don't wanna eat
don't wanna work
don't wanna play
don't wanna shop
don't wanna sleep
I'm finding myself feeling adrift, and not really minding. I don't wanna do anything that requires any effort on my part. I just want to float and let the current carry me where it may.

I see it coming. I'm pulling away from my friends and family and pretty much anyone who could help pull me out of this. Pulling myself away while I push them away at the same time. As a result, I feel farther and farther apart by the day. Went out to dinner Saturday with dear friends. For some reason I couldn't wait to get out of there, it was almost unbearable. Everybody was happy and talking and I felt so isolated. I hate this. Sooner or later people will get sick of being around someone who...

Why am I afraid of everything? I find fear so paralyzing that it actually keeps me from trying stuff I might enjoy. Cause what if I fall? What if I get hurt? What if?

Gah, I am a basket case. Big time.

I'm failing at just about every aspect of my lfie right now. It's kind of a relief. I mean, now I know it can't be fixed, why try frantically?
I'm failing as a wife.
I'm failing as a mother.
I'm failing as a friend.
I'm failing as a daughter.

I was a terrified little girl, 3 months to the day after my 16th birthday, giving birth to a baby. It was not an easy experience, even all these years can't sugar coat the fear and pain and trauma of the event itself.

I've watched her grow through the years, amazed at how similar yet alien she is. She's expressed ideas and opinions that I never gave her, and she's slowly becoming her own person.

Happy birthday, Paige, I couldn't have asked for a better little girl.