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  1. #1

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    Can i have an opinion

    For my english class, we are writing about a place, but the catch is, it has to be descriptive to the MAX

    i of course chose disneyland

    this is the rough draft do tomorrow, so it doesnt have to be perfect, but tell me how you think of it

    Show Don’t Tell

    “Sir, may I please have your ticket?” I stop mumbling to my friends to look at a cheerful woman, maybe in her 60’s wearing a red shirt with black pants. I glance at her name tag sparkling in the sunlight, it says “Janet” and under it says “Class of 1997” and on top has Mickey Mouse. Her face shows her age, but her personality shows the strength of a 20 year old, welcoming me to the happiest place on earth. I hand her my annual pass bursting with color and memories of fun times, and she passes it under the bright crimson laser. A little jingle plays and she politely says “Welcome”. I walk through the cold metal turnstile and the clicking of it seems to be saying “Yep, you’re here”. I walk to the entry garden, as I look at it, my eyes can’t comprehend the colors and designs coming from it, the soft violet, the apparent rose, the distinct lemon. Then all the sudden a loud sound of a man with a very powerful voice informs us “Your attention please. The Disneyland Railroad is making its Main Street stop, All Aboard!” Then out of nowhere comes the whistle of the mysterious train. There was a burst of steam from the train chimney then all of the sudden through the steam is the gold, red, and black shimmering from the train, slowly stopping at the station gloriously. I can easily smell the charcoal heating the water powering the train. The people shuffle in and out, talking to each other about what they did and what they will do. I slowly take my attention away from the old style American train, and see my friends are already starting to go. I walk off while tourists start taking my place for pictures. We mediocrly walk through the faded red brick right tunnel, a little tradition I have. Under the train tracks, and there I see the old style American town. The Smell of Vanilla filling my nose like a dog filling a hole where his bone is buried. That’s when our mediocre walk becomes into an excited fast walk. Looking around at all the buildings, seeing people walk in with a grin, people walking out, looking in their wallet shaking their head, with a bag full of souvenirs in their other hand. I hear a distinct neigh of a horse and I turn around seeing a horse and buggy walking by, I step out the way, watching the family wearing matching red shirts and pants talking hastily planning there day, I think I caught sound of the youngest “Indiana Jones first dad.” We make our way into the middle of the street, and then at the end, we see the sight everyone knows, the crown jewel of any park in the world, Sleeping Beauty’s Castle, the pink and blue paint shimmering in the sun, the golden paint twinkling at you, almost seeming winking, entrancing you. The crowns, 5 of them, for each decade of Disneyland’s existence, almost showing you the magic this place brings. We slowly make our way up the street, rubbing elbows with the people next to us. There are people taking photos, people with udder excitement in their faces. We make it to the end of the street, and then I see the glistening Matterhorn Mountain with its snowy top and people in red Swiss outfits climbing up and down. We walk up the steps to the statue of Walt Disney and Mickey Mouse, holding hands and pointing to the horizon. We all look at each other, knowing that this day is going to be with us forever.

    please be good

    and ps
    crazylegs has her own smiley
    "Is a man who chooses to be bad better than a man who has the good imposed on him?"
    - Anthony Burgess
    "I think what I want Disneyland to be most of all is a happy place–a place where adults and children can experience together some of the wonders of life, of adventure, and feel better because of it."
    - Walt Disney on Disneyland

  2. #2

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    Re: Can i have an opinion

    Really good but see if you can eliminate some of the extra "I"s. You can be desriptive and tell what you see etc without saying "I" so much maybe
    Waiting for Godot Micechat.com

  3. #3

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    Re: Can i have an opinion

    Quote Originally Posted by sleepyjeff
    Really good but see if you can eliminate some of the extra "I"s. You can be desriptive and tell what you see etc without saying "I" so much maybe
    thank you
    "Is a man who chooses to be bad better than a man who has the good imposed on him?"
    - Anthony Burgess
    "I think what I want Disneyland to be most of all is a happy place–a place where adults and children can experience together some of the wonders of life, of adventure, and feel better because of it."
    - Walt Disney on Disneyland

  4. #4

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    Re: Can i have an opinion

    Great job. I like your writing style very much.

  5. #5

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    Re: Can i have an opinion

    It's decent, just quite a few grammatical errors and such
    But I will tell you that I got more into it than I thought... as I was reading it, a co-worker tapped me on the shoulder and I jumped
    Good morning, son
    In twenty years from now
    Maybe we'll both sit down and have a few beers
    And I can tell you 'bout today
    And how I picked you up and everything changed
    It was pain
    Sunny days and rain
    I knew you'd feel the same things...





  6. #6

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    Re: Can i have an opinion

    That was really good ... it made me feel like I was walking through those turnstyles again! The one thing I would say is do take out some of the "I's" and you are going to separate this out into paragraphs right?
    Quote Originally Posted by drunkmom
    this is my first buzzed post in the DMCA -- I'm really in this club because I'm a bitch more than anything. I've only had to hit the backspace 4 (oops, make that 5) times in (now 7) in this (now 9) (now 15) in this post! Damn, now I'm up to 18! Our neighbors were (19) (20) making tequilla sunrises. I thought I couldn't do tequilla (22) anymore but (24) this stuff (26) was good! It started (27) with an s



  7. #7

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    Re: Can i have an opinion

    Do not use "I" or "you"

    Your teacher wants you to describe Disneyland.


    This is a better example of how to get rid of the word "You" in the above sentence

    The teacher wants Disneyland to be described....

    Do you now see what the difference is and how better it seems?

    I am extremely good at writing very detailed essays. I would have taken your essay and re-written it for you, but I do not want to take the chances of getting yourself into trouble for copying. But you can ask me some advice on a few sentences that you think can be made better and you won't get in trouble by anyone for that.

  8. #8

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    Re: Can i have an opinion

    When is this essay due? If you have any sentences that you think need to be changed but you do not know how to make them better...PM me or post them on the thread. And if I do not know how to make them better...I can have my former english teacher look at them and I guarantee she will make them better...and correct...within 24 hours. Believe me, I had here help me a few times and am amazed at how she can make sentences look better.

  9. #9

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    Re: Can i have an opinion

    A little jingle plays and she politely says “Welcome”. I walk through the cold metal turnstile and the clicking of it seems to be saying “Yep, you’re here”.
    Just a tip. "Say" is a weak verb. Maybe try:

    "..and she chirps a warm welcome..."
    "I walk through the... and it merrily clicks a homecoming message..."

    Then all the sudden a loud sound of a man with a very powerful voice informs us “Your attention please. The Disneyland Railroad is making its Main Street stop, All Aboard!” Then out of nowhere comes the whistle of the mysterious train. There was a burst of steam from the train chimney then all of the sudden through the steam is the gold, red, and black shimmering from the train, slowly stopping at the station gloriously.
    It's "all of a sudden". But what I wanted to draw your attention to was the frequent repetition of phrase structures bolded above. You can see that it weakens the piece somewhat. Also, these are stock phrases, which you might want to avoid as much as possible.

    You say the train "came out of nowhere". Is there a similar experience you might liken it to? Perhaps rather than tacking on "mysterious" to the train (which is telling, not showing), is there a more evocative way you can describe the whistle of the oncoming train that suggests its "mystery"? Can you create that feeling without using the word itself?

    I hope I don't come across too harshly - it is certainly intended with good intentions. Feel free to PM me if you would like a little more help. Oh and the posters above are correct - please fix your gramatical errors, paragraphing and even some word choices. ("Mediocre" is wrongly used, for instance.)
    Last edited by jazzjunkie; 08-31-2005 at 09:36 AM.

  10. #10

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    Re: Can i have an opinion

    Quote Originally Posted by Disney Wrassler
    Do you now see what the difference is and how better it seems?
    I don't have much to ad for the OP as most of you seem to be doing a much better job of helping than I would. I hate grammar and such. I did find this amusing though (not picking on anyone so please don't take offense). You are writing about grammar corrections and you wrote "how better it seems". I could be wrong, but that just sounds a little funny to me.




  11. #11

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    Re: Can i have an opinion

    Is "mediocrly" a word? Sounds like something I would make up.
    I'd switch it to "deliberate."

  12. #12

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    Re: Can i have an opinion

    thanks for the help, i have until friday for the rough draft (so thats why its not perfect) and i think the final is due next week

    im glad you micechatters enjoyed this
    im gonna be correcting it later
    "Is a man who chooses to be bad better than a man who has the good imposed on him?"
    - Anthony Burgess
    "I think what I want Disneyland to be most of all is a happy place–a place where adults and children can experience together some of the wonders of life, of adventure, and feel better because of it."
    - Walt Disney on Disneyland

  13. #13

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    Re: Can i have an opinion

    Quote Originally Posted by Disney Wrassler
    Do not use "I" or "you"

    Your teacher wants you to describe Disneyland.


    This is a better example of how to get rid of the word "You" in the above sentence

    The teacher wants Disneyland to be described....

    Do you now see what the difference is and how better it seems?

    I am extremely good at writing very detailed essays. I would have taken your essay and re-written it for you, but I do not want to take the chances of getting yourself into trouble for copying. But you can ask me some advice on a few sentences that you think can be made better and you won't get in trouble by anyone for that.

    if you can, just change the weakest sentences.
    you dont have too though
    i still have to days to change it.
    "Is a man who chooses to be bad better than a man who has the good imposed on him?"
    - Anthony Burgess
    "I think what I want Disneyland to be most of all is a happy place–a place where adults and children can experience together some of the wonders of life, of adventure, and feel better because of it."
    - Walt Disney on Disneyland

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