Sergeant: Is there somebody on the line?
Quentin Spoon:: That you, Mick?
Sergeant: Yeah. Is that you, Quentin? What's all the ruckus? Is there a fire or something?
Quentin Spoon: Nope, just a false alarm, I guess.
Sergeant: Well, then get off the line Quentin. I've got an important phone call to make.
Quentin Spoon: Okay, then. Talk to you later. (hangs up)
Sergeant: (singing) "When Irish eyes are smiling…"
Hezekiah Bird: (sound of birds squawking in background) Good morning, Bird Seed and Feed Company, Hezekiah Bird, Proprietor. "We've got seed for your need."
Sergeant: Save your breath, Hezekiah.
Hezekiah Bird: Good morning, Sergeant. How are you today?
Sergeant: Never better, Hezekiah. I'll have you know that me and the boys at the station house have taken possession of a brand new paddy wagon.
Hezekiah Bird: Well, what do you know?
Sergeant: Listen, Hezekiah, I was wonderin' if you'd be on to doin' us a wee little favor…?
Hezekiah Bird: Always willing to help an officer of the Law. It's my civic duty, you know.
Sergeant: Knew I could count on you. Now, can you keep a secret?
Hezekiah Bird: Of course.
Sergeant: Well, this morning, me and some of the boys took the car for a little spin, a test drive, you might say. And well, we had a…uh…altercation with Mr. Harrington's oak tree.
Hezekiah Bird: Oh, my!
Sergeant: Dented the fender pretty bad, and well… Hezekiah, d'ya hear somethin'?
Hezekiah Bird: Why, yes, I can hear someone breathing.
Sergeant: Is that you, Mrs. Anderson? Come on now, we can hear you breathin', pretendin' like you're not listening in.
Gertrude Anderson: I was not listening in, I was just trying to hear if the line was free, so I might call my friend Jamie over at the Ribbons & Bows.
Sergeant: Gertrude, you were just tryin' to hear what Hezekiah and I were talkin' about.
Gertrude Anderson: I certainly was not! I do not, Gentleman, engage in gossip. And besides, what do I care that that old paddy wagon was destroyed by poor Mr. Harrington's oak tree? There are more important things to be concerned about.
Sergeant: Now don't get yourself in a tizzy, Gertrude.
Gertrude Anderson: Well what is this world coming to, I ask you? Just the other day, I saw that new piano teacher, Miss Sarah Fields, and I saw it with my own two eyes mind you, this is not secondhand, ridin' on the trolley with the new dance instructor. They were holding hands, as brazen as a pair of blue jays.
Sergeant: Say now, that is quite a piece of gossip, Gertrude.
Gertrude Anderson: Gossip? I thought you should know about it, Sergeant. I'm only doin' my civic duty!
Sergeant: Well now, Gertrude, there's no law against people sparkin', you know. You ought to try it sometime.
Gertrude Anderson: Well, well… Well, I… I never! (hangs up)
Sergeant: I don't doubt it. Anyway… Hezekiah, back to the paddy wagon.
Hezekiah Bird: You were saying?
Sergeant: Well, I was wonderin' if we could use your barn, to… hide it from His Honor, The Mayor. Just until we get it fixed, mind you.
Hezekiah Bird: Oh dear, at present, I'm storing my excess avians out in the barn, you see. But I suppose…
Sergeant: Great! I'm glad to hear you say that, Hezekiah, because, well, I already took the liberty of puttin' it inside your barn this mornin'.
Hezekiah: Oh, dear, I have several cages of parrots and cockatoos in the rafters, you know.
Sergeant: Is that a problem?
Hezekiah Bird: Only to the paddy wagon's paint job, I should think.
Sergeant: You're a pal, Hezekiah! I won't forget you for this. Tell you what, I'll be sure and send you and the little woman free tickets to the Policeman's Ball.
Hezekiah Bird: Oh, that'll be nice. I'm sure that will please my wife, Thelma.
Sergeant: Thanks, again, Hezekiah.
Hezekiah: Always glad to help, Sergeant. Goodbye.
(sound of old-fashioned telephone ringing)
Mrs. Thelma Bird: (sound of flames in background) Hello? Is anyone there?
Quentin Spoon: Hello? I've got it, Eugenia!
Mrs. Thelma Bird Hello? Oh, thank goodness! I want to report a fire! My barn is burning, and there's lots of smoke, and I can see the flames coming through the door! Please, come quick!
Quentin Spoon: A fire, did you say? Well, then you'll need to speak to the Fire Chief.
Mrs. Thelma Bird: Who are you?
Quentin Spoon: Quentin Spoon, city postmaster, at your service.
Mrs. Thelma Bird: But I thought, I rang the fire station...
Quentin Spoon: This is a fire station, and the post office, and the general store..
Mrs. Thelma Bird: I need the Fire Chief, my barn is burning down!
Quentin Spoon: All righty, just a minute!
(more sounds of the fire, and a donkey braying)
Quentin Spoon: Hello! Quentin Spoon, city Fire Chief here!
Mrs. Thelma Bird: You're the Fire Chief, too?!
Quentin Spoon: Yep, a fella's gotta wear many hats in this town.
Mrs. Thelma Bird: Why didn't you say so?
Quentin Spoon: I had to get my Fire Chief's hat! Ain't official without it!
Mrs. Thelma Bird: Now can we please get back to my barn?
Quentin Spoon: All righty! Now, let's see.. could you please give me your name?
Mrs. Thelma Bird: I'm Mrs. Thelma Bird, I live at 23 Elm Tree Lane.
Quentin Spoon: Okee Dokey, now where did I put that pencil? Be right back!
Mrs. Thelma Bird: Hurry, please!
Quentin Spoon: Now, was that Mrs. Bird?
Mrs. Thelma Bird: B-I-R-D. BIRD.
Quentin Spoon: Let's see. Uh, B... did you say Y?
Mrs. Thelma Bird No! I! I said I-R-D!!
Quentin Spoon: Now there's no call to go screaming at me, Mrs. Ird. I'm not deaf, you know.
Gertrude Anderson: Thelma Bird! You can show a little more respect to our dear Quentin Spoon!
Mrs. Thelma Bird: Who is this? Gertrude? Gertrude Anderson? You get off this line right now!
Quentin Spoon: Now what can I do for you, Gertrude?
Gertrude Anderson: Well, Quentin, I just wanted to know if my package of peacock feathers has arrived yet.
Quentin Spoon: Oooh, sounds like this call is for my postmaster's hat. Be right back!
Mrs. Thelma Bird: Wait! Gertude, get off the line! This is an emergency!
Gertrude Anderson: Hmmph! And I suppose my missing package of peacock feathers is NOT an emergency?!
Mrs. Thelma Bird: Gertrude! HANG UP!!
Gertrude Anderson: Well!! I never!! You'd think her house was burning down!
Mrs. Thelma Bird: Now! Can we get back to the fire?
Quentin Spoon: All right then.. now what was that address?
Mrs. Thelma Bird: 23 Elm Tree Lane, on the corner.
Quentin Spoon: Well, now, which corner is that? Is that the northwest corner, the northeast corner...?
Mrs. Thelma Bird: It's the only corner with a burning barn on it, you old coot!
(horrible sound of the barn collapsing)
Quentin Spoon: Well, that will make it easy to find!
(more terrible sounds coming from the barn)
Mrs. Thelma Bird: Oooh!
Quentin Spoon: Oh, don't worry, Mrs. Ird. We'll have a fire truck out there in no time.
Mrs. Thelma Bird: Never mind, Chief Spoon. Don't bother to send a truck.
Quentin Spoon: What? Are you telling me there's no fire?
Mrs. Thelma Bird: No, no fire.
Quentin Spoon: Hmmm....
Mrs. Thelma Bird: There is nothing left to put out. Good day, Mr. Spoon.
Quentin Spoon: Well, don't that just beat all!!
(hangs up the phone)
[call now returns to beginning of conversation]