10 Features of Thomas Staggs' Famcuffs
ABC News has really swung for the Pulitzers in their stories about Disney’s Next Gen, $800,000,000 MagicBand bracelets that will be worn by those Disney Parks/One Disney World guests who opt in.
My friend Eric Blair at Cyberdyne Systems Skynet Division (which has worked with Thomas Staggs on his new next-gen bracelets) has let me in on nine of the ten new features of Next-Gen 2.0, expected to be rolled out in 2016.
These nine features will be absolutely OPTIONAL during phase 2.0.
1. Parenting Plus. Although I wasn’t spanked and chose not to spank any of my eight sons, many Disney guests choose to exercise their constitutional and biblical rights to use negative reinforcement when raising their own guest sons and daughters. (See Focus on the Family.) Minor electric shocks from the bracelets will teach your children to avoid danger and will make your kids more user friendly for your busy schedules.
2. Each land in each Disney park will contain a naughty (security) pole. Thin cables of braided steel will allow Disney’s friendly guest controllers to attach villains' MagicBands to these poles till Anaheim or Lake Buena Vista Police Officers can remove them from the property. Berms will protect younger guests from the naughty pole areas and kids will even be able to spray suspects with water!
3. Princess Training BM (Behavior Modification) Nobody, and I mean nobody, likes a sad princess. A voice recognition feature in each bracelet will reward little girls who say nice words like “happy,” “cool,” “churro,” and “swell,” by heating the bracelet up a cozy 75-80 degrees, while words that make them unhappy like “unhappy,” “sad,” and “no” will cause the bracelet to chill out to a cool 45.1 fahrenheit.
4. Disney Forever! These special bracelets cannot be removed and will cheerfully announce special Disney values and Disney news every half hour for your friends and co-workers to hear. Of course, during your pre-selected nine-nighttime hours, your bracelets will emit soothing Disney lullabies.
5. Family Guard: Ladies, don’t you wish GPS stood for Guy Patrol System? Now it does! Leave it to Disney to let you know where your husband is 24/7, and if he should enter a Dis-no zone (bath houses, strip clubs, and even entire areas like San Francisco, Madison or Greenwich Village), his bracelet will a give a little whistle that will get him on the straight and narrow path.
6. Ankle bracelet option!
7. Who’s the leader of the club that’s made for you and me? Let the world know! Whenever your bracelet passes within any image of Mickey Mouse anywhere in the world, your bracelet will cheer! All praise our great leader!
8. Future Guest Program. Bracelets of mommies at their most fertile will glow purple and emit a sexy saxophone rendition of “Cruella Deville,” whether you're creating your first Disney guest or your 101st!
9. Our most exciting feature will allow our cast members to give our guests the service they deserve. Bracelets of guests staying in our value resorts will have a red flashing light and will receive the same high level of service you’ve come to expect from WDW over the last ten years.
Moderate resort guests will sport bracelets that glow a comforting iron grey and can expect a few extra smiles from our cast members or a few more fries with their burgers. And your iron grey bracelet will even permit you to access certain public areas of our luxury resorts at special times on selected days!
And our luxury guests will be pampered with decadence during their entire stay, receiving an instant hug from any cast member when demanded. If Main Street’s sidewalks are a bit crowded, cast members will jump to the street when they see your green glowing bracelet coming their way! And green means “Fun Unlimited”! You’ll enjoy your own faster Fun Unlimited (F.U.) lines at every quick service restaurant, shop, and refreshment stand. And our trains, monorails, and boats (even on the Jungle Cruise) will all feature first class sections for all of you who join the green team. Your green bracelets will permit you to access almost all public areas of our luxury resorts. (Ask about our flashing green concierge level!)