Here is my old spiel that I used in 1995.Try and see how many of these same jokes you hear even to this day.
Welcome aboard folks. Please scoot down as much as possible so that we can get at least 100 people on board. We are trying to break a world record here today and we need you help. Those of you already sitting need to scootchie scootchie all the way towards the front of the boat. That's right, scootchie scoootchie. You know, I don't know what scootchie means but it makes people scoot down some.
Is anyone here from out of town? Really? Where are you from sir/ma'am? (guest answers) I'm sorry? (guest repeats answer) No, I heard you. I'm just sorry.
Boat pulls away from dock:
O.k. looks like we are fully loaded so we are outta here. Wish I was outta here but my parole officer says I only have six more months before I can leave. Oh, did I say that out loud? Anyways, lets go ahead and turn around and wave to all those nice people on the dock. That's right wave to the nice people. Now lets wave to the other people. You'll never see them again. But then again, you've never seen them before so who cares right?
I'd like to welcome you aboard the world famous Jungle Cruise my name is not important and I will be your skipper today. Please make sure you keep your hands and arms inside the boat while we are surrounded by water. Trust me you don't want to touch anything.
Does anyone feel that nice mist upon your face? That means we are in the rainforest where it rains most of the time. Actually, it's really hot here in the jungle and our treetop monkeys tend to sweat profusely so please excuse the monkey mist.
Over here on the right you will see our newest discovery, Indiana Jones and the temple of the eternal line. I drove by this site many times and told Doctor Jones about it but no, he was too busy fighting nazis and going after some sort of arc. I told him this temple was cooler than any old boat but he didn't think so. And then he goes and tells everyone he discovered it. Thanks for sharing the fame Indy.
Exiting the temple you will see a preview of some of the ugly, scary looking primates we tend to encounter here in the jungle from time to time. Please don't wave at them. That only makes them angry and they start throwing poop at you. Yeah, this is another example of why some mothers should eat their young.
Moving right along on your left side here you will see this ancient Cambodian shrine built by ancient Cambodian shriners. Also in this shrine you will see a Bengal tiger. This cat can weigh up to 500 punds and jump 20 feet. But not to worry. The extension cord is only 15 feet so he won't make it.
Up ahead is Genesha the elephant god, guarding the entrance to the sacred pool of indian elephants. This pool is so sacred that no man has ever laid eyes on it and lived to tell the tale. So get your cameras ready and feel free to take pictures. It's perfectly fine. They seem to be wearing their trunks.
Around the corner here is my favorite elephant, Gidget the midget and her mom squirting Sally. Now elephants show affection by showering you with green jungle water and it looks like she really likes you guys so get ready for a little bit of elephant love. (passing the elephant) oh, it looks like Sally may not like you guys as much as I thought.
By the way we are now entering the dangerous banana jungle. Please keep your eyes peeled.
Gorilla Camp scene:
Over here on the right is a great example of what realy happens when you leave your kids at home without a babysitter. Yes, these gorillas are certainly a wonderful species. They had quite a bit of trouble gettting that jeep to start this morning and as you can see it looks like they finally got it to turn over.
Gorilla and crocodile scene:
If you quickly look over to your left you'll see absolutely nothing but over here on your right is something you don't see everyday. But I do. Every 15 minutes as a matter of fact.
On your left is the beautiful Sweitzer Falls, named after that famous jungle explorer. Can anyone guess his name? That's right. It was Dr. Falls.
On your left is an African elephant. You can tell it's an elephant, what with the trunk space and tusks. And for those of of you with short term memory, here on your right is an African elephant. You can tell it's an elephant , what with the trunk space and tusks.
Baboons and various animals scene:
On your right you will see a family of baboons watching something interesting. Ah, I see what they are looking at. It's the circle of life. Yes, those lions are watching over that sleeping zebra. Hakuna Matata means no worries, but as you can see these guys have plenty to worry about with that Rhino. See the guy at the bottom? His name is Juan. It looks like that Rhino is trying to put a hole in Juan. Oh well. moving right along
We are now entering the secluded pool of hippos. These hippos are an unusual bunch. Some of them like to hide in trees and then do a cannonball dive on top of boats. Look! there's one now! Up in the tree! (Blam! Blam!). I think I got him. Yeah, he won't be sinking any more boats today.
African Warrior village:
we are now entering the dangerous jungle of the zulu head hunters, not a great place to be headed. On that canoe you can see what remains of one of my previous crew. But as you can see, they had a real good time. Most of them are still smiling. Up here on your right the natives are celebrating the kill of that lion. You can tell that lion is dead. They don't normally stand like that. And on the left here are some scary warriors that enjoy slowly emerging from their hiding places. I keep telling them that the element of suprise works best. O.k. you guys (adressing the warriors) lets try that again on the next trip o.k.? Yeah, get back down there behind the bushes.
And now for the most amazing part of our journey, the backside of water. You too can recreate this awesome special effect at home. Simply place your head in the sink, making sure you are just behind the faucet, and turn it on. Try it when you get home.
We are now heading down the Amazon river, the longest river in Anaheim. Up ahead on your left is a python. Sitting in a tree. H-I-S-S-I-N-G. You know this creature is very misunderstood. Sure he's cold blooded and a reptile but I hear he develops crushes quite easily.
Up here on your left is Trader Sam. He is the "head" salesman of the jungle. Sadly business has been "shrinking" lately so he's offering a special offer today. Two of his heads for just one of yours.
And now for the most dangerous part of our journey, the return to civilization and those california freeways. Don't forget tonight we have three wonderful shows for you. We have Fantasmic at 9 and 1030. The Electrical parade at 930 and 1100 and as an added bonus we are having the famous brakelight parade out in the parking light around 1230. You can't miss it.
I'd like to thank you all for being such a great crew and I must admit that out of all the crews I have taken you certainly have been the most recent. Now as you exit the boat please exit the same way you came on. Pushing, shoving, biting. If you came in through the front please exit through the front and if you came in through the rear my fellow skippers will help you firmly yet gently by the rear.....of the boat that is. Remember this is Adventureland, not Fantasyland. Enjoy the rest of your stay here at this magical place I like to call.......work.
well, that was one variation I used. There are several different jokes I would use from time to time just to change things around, but I'm tired of typing for now. Maybe I'll post more later.