Disneyland Sacred Cow Roast: Why your favorite rides suck.

The truth can hurt... but not as much as the toothache from the overly sweet storybook canal.

Matterhorn: It was the worlds first steel rollercoaster. It’s so old the “banked turn” wasn’t invented yet. One of the worlds slowest coasters also is one of the most painful. Also responsible for more women feeling violated than all the porn in the internet. And don’t forget the loud screaming yeti that doesn’t move.

Haunted Mansion: The chamber HAS TWO doors. You go in one and you leave though another. Fun with suicide anyone? A non-existing plot line that every Disney freak thinks exists somewhere. Pop-up ghosts behind a scrim that always seems to be coated with spit that Disney can’t clean up? Yeah. Classic.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of the Forbidden Eye: Could be nice, if they used Harrison Ford as Indy’s voice, if the effects ever worked, if they didn’t have that strange demon painting, if FastPass didn’t destroy a nice line filled with guano caves, and if they could run it for more than a few hours without breaking down.

Pirates of the Caribbean: The last attraction Walt worked on… when he was getting older and having crazy ideas about Experimental Prototype Communities of Tomorrow. Scenes of stationary skeletons, between large tracts of nothing, before moving to the pirates. Like the final shoot-out scene? Good, cuz you are going to be stuck there for twenty minutes while they try and load or unload. And the song is, at the same time, annoyingly repetitive and annoyingly unintelligible.

Splash Mountain: It’s a ride that contains a watered down version of a cartoon that is a watered down version of a book… with lots of water. How long does Disney think they can convince parents that kids care who the hell Brair Rabbit is? Not to mention inbred frogs, and other used robots from America Sings… did they think we wouldn’t notice? But lets all stand in a three hour line like idiots for one drop.

Space Mountain: It’s funny how Disney fans will whine and whine about Buzz Lightyear’s story in Tomorowland, but don’t care about the non-story of Space Mountain. First off, Space… MOUNTAIN? The whole “mountain” trend only goes so far. Second, are we suppose to be… like… astronauts? It is suppose to be a realistic space journey? Is it suppose to be.. NO ONE KNOWS WHAT IT IS SUPPOSE TO BE!!! It’s just a silly little coaster in the dark. Get the same experience listening to your I-pod and closing your eyes on Muholland Madness.

Sleeping Beauty’s Castle: It is so small. Tiny. Blink and you miss it. Some say it’s “intimate” and “cozy” but those people are idiots. It’s tiny because they couldn’t afford bigger. Guess what? If they could have gone bigger, they would have. Much bigger. It looks like a cheap toy now… well… now it looks like a gay Brazilian prom… but that’s another thread.

The Enchanted Tiki Room: Probably the single worst thing to happen to Polynesian culture since SPAM. Can we stop pretending to be impressed with the robotic birds and flowers? I can buy better stuff than that at Wal Mart. Small world at least admits it’s song is boring. And why are the birds French, German, whatever? German Tikis? Come on!

There will be a second version of this… just wait.

Wow, I have to go shower to get the stench of sarcasm off of me....

Hilsbro is gonna wanna pound you for this.

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Originally Posted by thejoshualee

Get the same experience listening to your I-pod and closing your eyes on Muholland Madness.

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OK....now I just HAVE to go and try this. Good idea TGel! :)

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Originally Posted by thejoshualee

The Enchanted Tiki Room: Probably the single worst thing to happen to Polynesian culture since SPAM.

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What's wrong with SPAM???? I LOVE IT! I'm having...spam spam spam spam spam spam spam beaked beans spam spam spam and spam!
Vikings: (singing) Spam spam spam spam. Lovely spam! Wonderful spam!
Waitress: Shut up!! Baked beans are off.
Mr. Bun: Well could I have her spam instead of the baked beans then?
Waitress: You mean spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam and spam!
Vikings: (singing) Spam spam spam spam. Lovely spam! Wonderful spam! Lovely spam! Wonderful spam! Spam spa-a-a-a-a-am spam spa-a-a-a-a-am spam. Lovely spam! Lovely spam! Lovely spam! Lovely spam! Lovely spam! Spam spam spam spam!

:lol: Hey, I'm laughing, but all the while wondering in my amusement how many people are gonna actually take this seriously. xD

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Originally Posted by thejoshualee

But lets all stand in a three hour line like idiots for one drop.

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Two drops Josh... two.

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Originally Posted by a_hyperbole

Two drops Josh... two.

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only one counts.

Uh, someone doesn't know how to count (common among grade skippers, I've read). There are no less than six drops.

They are:
1. One's jaw upon seeing the line on a summer day.
2. Before entering the 'How Do you Do' scene
3. After turning the corner and seeing Brer Rabbit with napsack
4. Laughing Place "there's nobody here but beeeeess" drop
5. The big one that plunges guests into the Brian Patch
6. Dropping one's pants to dry them off.

Yeah, I'm not professional satrist, but I play one on tv.

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Originally Posted by a_hyperbole

Two drops Josh... two.

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Originally Posted by thejoshualee

Matterhorn: Also responsible for more women feeling violated than all the porn in the internet.

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:roll:

Wow, someone has way to much time to think up new threads!

How to prove to yourself that the Monorail is dull.

1) Board the Monorail
2) Sit near a total stranger
3) As you cruise along, turn to him, look intently at him, and say with a straight face, "What a ride this is. I tell you, I have never known such excitement."
4) Watch the look of creeping terror come over him; he thinks he is trapped in an enclosed space with a madman.
5) It is true that later you may feel a little guilty for scaring someone like that at Disneyland, but this would not have been possible if the Monorail were not dull.

So there you have it.

Dang Josh you are freakin hilarious! Definately one of my best friends on MC!

Anyway this interaction between J-Lee and Hyperbole really got me laughing:

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Originally Posted by thejoshualee
But lets all stand in a three hour line like idiots for one drop.

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Hyperbole
Two drops Josh... two.

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Originally Posted by BFJen

Wow, someone has way to much time to think up new threads!

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:lol:

IASM. Horrible repetitive music you cant get out of your head. Horible 2D carboard cutout anamatronics. Horrible cheap set that reeks of carnie. Most boring boat ride on earth and makes me ill just looking at it, let alone ride the thing! The cheapest ride in the resort, thats INCLUDING DCA's rides. Its a waist of space. Only thing that kept it alive is that some famous artist did the concepts and some of the figures. Plus nastalga from all the people who used that ride to make out in.

Mulhulland Madness. 2nd cheapest ride in the park. Its a portable carnie rollercoaster I pay 8 tickets for at Orange County fair with a few cardboard cutouts on the side. But at least it has no annoying repetitive music being sung by even cheaper cardboard cutouts. Somehow WDI forgot to plus that ride.

But one ride on the Golden Zephyr and all is forgiven, no?