The truth can hurt... but not as much as the toothache from the overly sweet storybook canal.
Matterhorn: It was the worlds first steel rollercoaster. It’s so old the “banked turn” wasn’t invented yet. One of the worlds slowest coasters also is one of the most painful. Also responsible for more women feeling violated than all the porn in the internet. And don’t forget the loud screaming yeti that doesn’t move.
Haunted Mansion: The chamber HAS TWO doors. You go in one and you leave though another. Fun with suicide anyone? A non-existing plot line that every Disney freak thinks exists somewhere. Pop-up ghosts behind a scrim that always seems to be coated with spit that Disney can’t clean up? Yeah. Classic.
Indiana Jones and the Temple of the Forbidden Eye: Could be nice, if they used Harrison Ford as Indy’s voice, if the effects ever worked, if they didn’t have that strange demon painting, if FastPass didn’t destroy a nice line filled with guano caves, and if they could run it for more than a few hours without breaking down.
Pirates of the Caribbean: The last attraction Walt worked on… when he was getting older and having crazy ideas about Experimental Prototype Communities of Tomorrow. Scenes of stationary skeletons, between large tracts of nothing, before moving to the pirates. Like the final shoot-out scene? Good, cuz you are going to be stuck there for twenty minutes while they try and load or unload. And the song is, at the same time, annoyingly repetitive and annoyingly unintelligible.
Splash Mountain: It’s a ride that contains a watered down version of a cartoon that is a watered down version of a book… with lots of water. How long does Disney think they can convince parents that kids care who the hell Brair Rabbit is? Not to mention inbred frogs, and other used robots from America Sings… did they think we wouldn’t notice? But lets all stand in a three hour line like idiots for one drop.
Space Mountain: It’s funny how Disney fans will whine and whine about Buzz Lightyear’s story in Tomorowland, but don’t care about the non-story of Space Mountain. First off, Space… MOUNTAIN? The whole “mountain” trend only goes so far. Second, are we suppose to be… like… astronauts? It is suppose to be a realistic space journey? Is it suppose to be.. NO ONE KNOWS WHAT IT IS SUPPOSE TO BE!!! It’s just a silly little coaster in the dark. Get the same experience listening to your I-pod and closing your eyes on Muholland Madness.
Sleeping Beauty’s Castle: It is so small. Tiny. Blink and you miss it. Some say it’s “intimate” and “cozy” but those people are idiots. It’s tiny because they couldn’t afford bigger. Guess what? If they could have gone bigger, they would have. Much bigger. It looks like a cheap toy now… well… now it looks like a gay Brazilian prom… but that’s another thread.
The Enchanted Tiki Room: Probably the single worst thing to happen to Polynesian culture since SPAM. Can we stop pretending to be impressed with the robotic birds and flowers? I can buy better stuff than that at Wal Mart. Small world at least admits it’s song is boring. And why are the birds French, German, whatever? German Tikis? Come on!
There will be a second version of this… just wait.