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Thread: Pre Teen angst

  1. #1

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    Pre Teen angst

    Oh My, the Drama has begun...

    many of you know I have an 11 year old daughter, she started Middle School this year at a different school than we had thought she would (we moved over the summer) so she was entirly the new kid, she knew no one.

    Just a few days into the year she met and started a fast friendship with several of the "popular" girls -future cheerleaders of America, with out a doubt.(BTW K was always very ppular at her old school, so going into a new school was nerve racking for her, having to start over more than a little stresful.

    fast forward to her birthday slumber party (first time I met any of them by the way)...she had fun, they all did I guess, but right after that they started treating her poorly, teasing her about her cloths (for o real reason that I can figure...they say it's too short, to big, to tight, too loose...etc. no matter what she can't win, it's never good enough...)
    She's now having a very hard time making new friends (I think because she is already associated with these girls, but I'm not really sure, she's trying though.)

    So to help I agreed to letting her have another slumber party (in the planning process now) but to invite this new group of girls over instead of the first group. So She can get to know them better and try to get some friendships going...

    meanwhile the first group is still making snarky little comments about odd little things (things that make little to no sense to me...)

    She started feeling self consence in the locker room and has recently asked me if we could go shopping (thank goodness she wants cami's and not bras...) which of course I said yes too.

    they tease her mostly during dress time in PE (locker room) so she took matters into her own hands yesterday and asked her teacher to move her to a different locker in a different row (good for her, I'm proud of her...she's trying to be proactive) when the teacher asked why she simply said some kids are bugging her (she didn't want to make the situation worse for herself by getting into it, hey we all remember that, at least I do. The teacher understood, did not press the issue and gave her a new locker today.

    yesterday strangly enough the girls were complimenting her on her outfit, rather than teasing her about it.

    Today when she switched lockers they all went over to see where she had gone and started being nice to her (???)

    Tonight she picked out her outfit for tommorow (and wanted my opinion...wow, that's different, she raely wants that. )

    then she told me she still wants to be friends with the girls.... (against my better judgement, I said if that's what she want's I would help if I could)

    she wanted to wear a necklace...ok no problem there...

    she wants to go shopping for more accsessories (necklaces) and she wants to wear lipgloss (she's 11)

    I need some advice and opinions...

    anyone else dealing with similar situations, or been through this before?


    I feel like a fish out of water here....

    the politics of young girls,
    procrastibating

  2. #2

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    Re: Pre Teen angst

    Oh, honey, little girls are eeeeevil. Nothing like it on the planet. Pure eeevil. My 11 year old has constant trouble with the "popular" girls at her school. Some days they'll be super nice to her, then the next thing you know they're making fun of her for the wierdest things.
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  3. #3

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    Re: Pre Teen angst

    idk..mone is going to be 15 and the drama keeps getting worse. iw as never into the drama so i totally can't relate and she wants to tell me everything. Which is good, but she talks so fast and I get so confused. She has a new BF every week or so...which is fine....I guess...she went from smart kid, to failing kid, to goth kid, to emo kid, to punk kid and now she says she's turnign preppy...I can't keep up...I just keep buying her make-up....sh'es starting to use it now. She's always loved lip gloss though..

    just be there and listen....for me I can't give advice, because she gets angry and offended...so i just listen unless she askd for my opinion...LOL

    oh, and myspace is the worst. they all use it to talk crap about each other and post mean bullitans....*sigh*

  4. #4

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    Re: Pre Teen angst

    awww Mean Girls...

    http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/140...83155&v=glance look into the book that inspired the movie.
    "Tonight I wash my hands of you
    You set the bar I could not live up to
    Tonight the light is breaking through
    So thank you very little and send me postcards from hell"
    Zebrahead

  5. #5

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    Re: Pre Teen angst

    Having worked with middle school kids for 13 years, I know what you are going through. As SunnyG said, those girls can be evil. Hormones go up and down and so does their concepts of relationships. And expressions.

    However, there is a learning process here, one that I'm noticing you are working with--and I complement you for it. Working with her on deciding to have a second party, helping her with making friends in a new school (that's got to be stressful) and, most importantly TALKING with her. You know more than most parents. Most parents call the teachers and ask what their kids are doing socially. It's very interesting.

    My advice? Keep up the good work. Secondly, don't be afraid to speak to her from your perspective, but be open. It sounds like she's gotten some reinforcement from you and wants to see how far it can go. You prepped her one party, now she wants another. You bought her some clothes, now she wants some more. She's asking you to set boundaries, so be ready. Don't be afraid to say, "hmmm, I'm out of money here. Will you be buying that necklace right before Christmas?" Yes, it is a negotiation process. Yes, she'll either scream, "You don't understand/You hate me!" or "Okay, I understand."

    Just some things to think about. Good luck! I do think that merely asking shows you care, are concerned and want to do the right thing. In other words, you are on the right path.

    Good for you.

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  6. #6

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    Re: Pre Teen angst

    Ohh Tbelle that's so hard
    Girls are soooo eeevil but boys can be mean too
    I've had to go through this with Kyler(last year)with the constant badgering like this.
    I found with him being able to talk to him, just the two of us and encouraging him to come up with his own solutions really help aka basically what you did
    Just be there and keep her talking
    for all us dealing with 11 year old preteen angst



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  7. #7

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    Re: Pre Teen angst

    Thanks everyone.

    first about the boundries...she is buying the necklaces with a gift card and her allowence, I wont keep buying things to keep up with the Jones's and both kids know it (yes of course we get them some things for fun but the extra...but everyone has it's..well my opinion is great if it's important enough to you to have it spend your own money on it...The Cami's well that's a whole other issue.

    I remember all to vividly being th only girl without a bra.... if now they want cami's, heck I feel like I lucked out on that one at least it's not a bra.....yet

    the lipgloss, I don't know. I'm a bit torn on that one...she's only 11
    but she's in middle school....touph decision (since everything they do or dont do seems to matter.)

    the slumber party...well Frankly I don't care. I almost would rather have them all here so I can meet them and see who they interact with eachother (best mom secret to stay informed so far for me is slumber parties...about 2 hours into it they all drop their gaurd and the "real" kid comes out. Boy I have learned a lot.

    the rest, I just don't know yet.

    Thanks for the advice and support so far.
    procrastibating

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    Re: Pre Teen angst

    My First Wife recently Moved to Texas with her Marine husband, and has the Kids throughout the school year. My 14 year old daughter was having a really bad time in Oceanside, being "Picked On" and the like. My 11 year old son was also having a time of it. Clothes every latest trend, etc...

    When they moved to Texas something happened. Many of the problems ceased. They made a ton of friends, my daughter isnt tortured over her weight, and they seem to be doing well. (They say its Boring there, but the people are a lot nicer) They seem happy. I am happy. I miss them more than anything, but talk to them 4-5 times a week.

    I Know Tweens and Young Teens can be outright sadistic, but maybe it's a Shallow California thing that makes it worse?
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  9. #9

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    Re: Pre Teen angst

    I moved from Alabama to California when I was 16. The culture shock almost broke me. I had no idea what I was in for and I'd never go back to high school. My sympathies to your cubling, I wish I had pearls of wisdom for her.

  10. #10

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    Re: Pre Teen angst

    I'll write more later, I just wanted to give you a !!!

    Claire

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    Re: Pre Teen angst

    oye!! I can not tell you what my poor girl went thru!! First off she was not liked, they told her this because she refused to take sides in fights. one girl told her, we do not like you, you are to nice)) hence we moved and now she is in the country club erea. oh boy, rick kids, snotty girls and they all look like future hookers!! Two came to my door and OMG they had hip huggers on and the crack of they *** was showing! and makeup, and hir up and these girls are 11. Rachal and I talk, I have treated her with respect and dignity and also taught her that she can tell me anything. well we talked, I told her my feelings on the girls she was hanging with ( they are theeeee most popular girls at this school) Rachal came home and said, they are fighting, I told her, remember we do nto take sides, you can enjoy both of them or move on to another group but no way are you going to be " a bitchy girl " she refused to take sides, she moved on and both still call her but she also has so many other kids she now hangs with. She is on the phone non stop, my phone rings all day and evening and I finally had to put a stop to it after 8:00. I do let rachal wear lip gloss, clear and she love it. I am proud how she is handling things and suprised as all last year was such a drama. She was hated by the popular girls ( she was cute and to nice ) and they all hated her because the boys loved her. ( she is just one of the guys) still is. Now though she is maturing and they tend to see her as different,( a pretty girl) hence she has that weight on her now. oye, growing up for our kids can be tough.

  12. #12

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    Re: Pre Teen angst

    Your poor daughter! She sounds like a real trooper, though! Kudos to you for raising such a great kid! I hope she sees the light about the first group of girls -- they sure do sound like little snots!

  13. #13

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    Re: Pre Teen angst

    Courtney, 10, only had to deal with jerky girls for one year...in FIRST grade! There was this group of girls in her 1st/2nd grade split class led by a second grader who supposedly adored my daughter. She was a sneaky girl, would make fun of her friends only, never anyone else. She was constantly making everyone around her feel like crap...she would say things to Courtney that devastated her. She was worried about her clothes (too babyish), her hair (too long), everything! At the age of six. It killed me. Courtney used to not talk to me about it....she was too embarrassed, basically didn't know how to feel, since this girl was her "friend." I think in her mind, these things had to be true since her "friend" said so.

    Then I found out the girl was excluding kids from their group of friends at lunchtime. Each day this girl would pick a friend and make them sit at another table....and they DID IT. Oy. That's when I stepped in. Courtney was never one of the excluded, but I told her she was not lucky....nor was she any better than her "friend" if she let one of her actual friends be hurt like that. We struggled for a few months....she had a bad teacher that year too....it all just sucked. I knew it wouldn't be any better....forever....that girl was going to be in that town until she left for college and her mom was the exact. same. way.

    I moved Courtney to another school for a year in second grade....then we started our process for moving away from that little town....the schools sucked, the minds were small, the opportunities for the kids were slim, and the cliques were way too strong!

    But it was a good early lesson for her--she never wants to be anyone's victim and she never wants to be a victimizer.

    The group of girls in her fifth grade that she's friends with...about 16 of them actually...are all in sports. It makes a HUGE difference. Some of them are dramatic and have fights with their friends, but Courtney is never ever around that stuff, and it always resolves itself in a day. She comes home and tells me about it and we talk. She's managed to stay out of everything for 2+ years here with these girls. She's well-liked, cute, the cutest boy in fifth grade adores her, and she can be neutral and respected for it. The girls in their grade run over the boys....I almost feel bad for the boys. The girls are all super brains and extremely athletic, they're funny, sarcastic, and they're cute. They have so much confidence right now. I wish I could bottle it up and give it to them in middle school.

    But...this is fifth grade. Her middle school next year is small, really small, and it's safe and will be an easier social transition than a huge middle school, as she'll have all her friends with her. I thought about moving her to a larger, more competitive middle school with a ton of extracurricular activities and a variety of people (the middle school she's going to go to is awfully white). But she reacted SO violently to it, that I know I just can't do that to her.

    So, H, all I can say is that you're going through this before me....and I'm so sorry!! Next year it might be me with this problem. And you'll have all the answers, right?

    BTW, all the girls in Courtney's grade started wearing bras last year. And most prefer sports bras to pretty ones. Freaking hilarious! I love these girls!

    I'm NOT looking forward to locker room drama....that was always the worst. I moved to a new school between 7th and 8th grade....and it was devastating. The girls were SO freaking awful to me!! But it progressively got better....then in ninth grade, I was so cute they had to be really nice to me because all the boys they liked liked me ....and we picked on the new girl, who ultimately is now my best friend!!

    We went to see Mean Girls together a few years ago. My friend Marcy, who picked on ME in 8th grade, Dawn, who we picked on in 9th grade and me. It was so incredibly surreal to see ourselves on-screen. Ouch. We were really quiet after the movie for a while at dinner. On the way home I bought Dawn a card and wrote to her about how awful I felt watching the movie and knowing I'd hurt her. She called when she got the card and was like, "What are you talking about?? You were also the first person who was nice to me and you turned all that around for me!!" I felt SO much better, but it still sucks to know I caused her all that pain....we picked on her for months. Her hair, clothes, her choice in boys, her hair, her clothes....she couldn't do anything right. We were awful. And why? Probably because was new, cute, smart and we were jealous. For me, it was also a way to fit in with the girls who were so mean to me a year earlier. I never trusted those girls and they were not my only friends, thank goodness. I also had a group of dorky boys my age and I was their goddess and the senior boys loved me as a little sister. My dorky boy clan and my senior boy clan are still very close to me...I love those guys!!

    To be in that "popular" crowd is a roller coaster. It's so political, everyone's jockeying for position. I wish it was easier for your daughter... but if you don't support her need to be with this group, you'll alienate her and you don't want that. It seems like all you can do is ride next to her on that rollercoaster and hold her hand. Wish it was easier than that.

  14. #14

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    Re: Pre Teen angst

    Tinkerbelle, I really feel for her and you. My daughter, (the youngest of my three kids), is 14 now. She had many of the same issues you described. When we moved from Cincinnati to Providence, RI five years ago, she was 9. The move seemed to be the hardest on her. Transplanting her life and starting all over again at her age was not easy for her. In her new elementry school, she found making friends hard. When she began middle school it was even harder. Sarah cycled through a new set of friends every few months... She never felt a part of any girl click, causing her mood to become more and more erratic. It was during this time when I noticed her increasingly lashing out at my wife. It seemed that every time my wife asked her something, Sarah would turn it into a screaming match. For some reason I was always immune to my daughter's wrath, (even when I was the one confronting her, she would turn on my wife). I think in some wierd way, my daughter needed (and appreciated) my wife being there to absorb all of thefrustration she was going thru.

    Now I can't honestly say that my daughter was a complete innocent recipient of the cold shoulder from the kids at school. Sarah, (having 2 older brothers), has learned to be assertive and speak her mind. Sometimes her bluntness can be a real liability. She ruffled a few feathers along the way but she is who she is and she dosen't applogize for anything. Sarah is a freshman now and has seemed to found her nitch. She is comfortable with herself and the friends seemed to come naturally. She and my wife still fight some epic battles but its clear they are closer than ever.

    Its great that you and your daughter are close... And try to understand when she does things drive you crazy. Good luck-

  15. #15

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    Re: Pre Teen angst

    It's so important that you two continue to communicate....I know I've gotten a tiny amount of 'tude from my daughter lately, but not near as much as I expected. And she definitely admires Daddy right now, which he is eating up. That's important too. Girls listen to their daddies at this age. Their opinions can carry twice the weight of ours right now...I keep reminding my husband how extremely careful he has to be right now....the next few years are critical to how she feels about herself for a long, long time. We have an awesome book about that relationship called Fathers and Daughters, written by a psychologist, which really helped my husband.

    The other two books I recommend are Reviving Ophelia and Ophelia Speaks. I haven't read Ophelia's Mom yet, but I might get it from the library soon. It has great reviews on Amazon.

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