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  1. #1

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    What would you do , if anything, about this situation?

    Hi Folks,

    Since you don't know any of these people in my story, I thought you'd be a nice neutral group of peers to ask for advice.

    Last night, my teenagers were talking to my husband and me at the dinner table and we heard some stories from them about their freinds that greatly concerned us....


    Our 17 year old twins told us that while they were at a wedding for one of their church youth leaders, several of their 17 year old friends were standing around with them in a big circle talking about how they had recently gotten really drunk, were driving home after that and gotten into an accident where they almost killed someone. They didn't get arrested because they fled the scene and their parents have no idea of what happened. In fact , their parents are pretty clueless about a lot of what they have been doing that my kids have told me about in the last two years. I asked my daughters what they said when they heard the story and one said she didn't say anything while the other asked "Why would you do something like that?"

    My 15 year old son told us that his friend , who he has known since he was 6 and went to the same school with till this year when they had to go to seperate high schools, tried smoking pot and is now wanting our son to try smoking pot with him. My son had a long talk with him and told him that he thinks smoking pot is really stupid, that he doesn't want to try it, and that he doesn't want him to smoke it again. Just like the other situation, we know the parents really well and know that they have no idea what their son is doing.


    I love all of these kids very much....they have grown up with my kids and I hate that they are making the choices they've been making. I know it's pretty normal teenage stuff to experiment with these things , but I don't want to see any of them get hurt or hurt anyone else. I'm debating whether to talk to them myself and/or talk to their parents as well, but if I do, then they may not tell my kids anything ever again because they might feel betrayed.

    What would you guys do in this situation? Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

  2. #2

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    Re: What would you do , if anything, about this situation?

    I think that either way you go, talking to the kids or their parents, your kids are going to end up being hurt by this with their friendships with these kids. They are kids and probably don't really understand how fully wrong the things they are doing are. They may even think that they aren't doing anything wrong at all.

    That said, I really think that you need to talk to their parents. If it were me, I would probably encourage my kids not to hang around these other kids and I would try to minimize their contact with them. This is because I don't like conflict and I can't imagine telling other parents things that I wouldn't want to hear from them. I'm a head-in-the-sand kind of girl. That said, I believe the right thing to do is to let them know. I just don't believe that I would do that right thing.

    I want to say that if you decide to talk to their parents, you need to be prepared to hear things that you don't want to hear and for them to reject this or get upset. Your kids sound like they are out of all of this, but with kids you just never know. Mine are all pretty young, but I know they are far from innocent in a lot of the things they tell me that only their friends are doing. I have to believe that at your kids ages, they are innocent because they are telling you... but just know that they could be accused of being involved if these kids are confronted by their parents and start scrambling for excuses/explanations.

    Good luck, either way.

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  3. #3

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    Re: What would you do , if anything, about this situation?

    I would have your son try to talk to his friends about the drinking and driving stuff and other personal things as well. I believe that there are some things teens can talk to their parents about and then there are somethings friends should talk to their friends about. I personally would feel moire comfortable talking to my friends about stuff like this and I know that they would feel the same when it comes to describing their emotions to me. I think you should ask you son to just hang out with his friends one night and really talk these things out. If his friends are mature they will listen, if they are still immature they will not, when they will not listen that is where you and the other parents should really step in. See if your son can talk any sense into his friends first and then see where to go from there . You should probably encourage your son to talk to his friends, but don't force him to talk to his friends until he is comfortable to do so.

    I hope this helps some what .

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    Re: What would you do , if anything, about this situation?

    it's great that your kids can talk so openly with you!!!

    as for the other kids unless you really know the parent well I don't think it would help to talk with them. Do they talk about this kind of stuff at school for those who aren't able to talk with there parents? Maybe with out naming names you could share your concerns with a school leader or church leader?

    I hope that helps, you a very lucky to have kids with their heads screwed on straight.
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  5. #5

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    Re: What would you do , if anything, about this situation?

    Here is another suggestion. I know teens. I was one not to long ago. Most will listen to you but probably not take you seriously because you are an "Adult". They will act like they are serious, but once they walk out your doors they will be themselves again. Talking to the parents may not get you anywhere because they will deny a lot of things. I think the best way to get through to your sons friends are like I stated earlier, let your son try to encourage his friends to stop doing what they are doing. If they do not stop, that is when your son should find new friends. You see if his friends wont listen or do anything for a person who cares for them so much like your son, he should find friends that will.

  6. #6

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    Re: What would you do , if anything, about this situation?

    Quote Originally Posted by All Aglow
    That said, I believe the right thing to do is to let them know. I just don't believe that I would do that right thing.
    Quote Originally Posted by All Aglow

    Believe me, I feel like I should talk to them, but dread the idea of it at the same time. I have been a teacher/youth group leader to these kids when they were in junior high so they know me , like me and feel comfortable with me. I've talked to them about some other issues in the past and even though they were a little embarassed, I think they were also glad to have some adult guidance from someone other than their parents. But these issues are a little more serious than the other issues .


    Mine are all pretty young, but I know they are far from innocent in a lot of the things they tell me that only their friends are doing. I have to believe that at your kids ages, they are innocent because they are telling you... but just know that they could be accused of being involved if these kids are confronted by their parents and start scrambling for excuses/explanations.


    My twins are innocent so far....they have other friends who they usually spend their time with...they just happened to be with these kids because of whose wedding it was. They told me they don't even want to spend time with these kids again because of what they heard, but at the same time they don't want to give up on them because they've known them a long time. I think what bothered them the most was that one of the girls is an assistant youth group leader and pretends to e one way at church, but acts another way at school and when she's out with her friends.

    My son has done some not so good things , like starting fires and throwing eggs off the back deck, that he's told me about after the fact because he felt guilty ...and he was punished. I worry about him because I know he wants to do the right things, but I also think he could be swayed if the peer pressure was too great.


    Good luck, either way.
    Thanks. I appreciate your input!

  7. #7

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    Re: What would you do , if anything, about this situation?

    It sounds like you have a really great relationship with your kids- you should feel blessed that they feel so comfortable sharing with you like that- I know I never would have told my parents anything like that. If it were me, I would be so thankful thatmy own kids weren't involved in any of that. Keep reinforcing their choices for certain.

    As to the hit and run, that is a tough one, but I would almost be tempted to call the police and leave an anonymous tip. Not only was their behaviour dangerous, it was illegal. If they think they can get away with behaviour like that, their bad choice will only escalate. If you tell their parents, you risk looking like a narc and your kids may loose their friends.

    Cops showing up at their door saying a witness saw them flee the scene might be a wake up call to both the kids and their parents without you having to be directly involved. Good luck, your kids sound like wonderful people
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  8. #8

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    Re: What would you do , if anything, about this situation?

    You have to wonder... wasn't the kids' car damaged? The reason I ask is... you have to make sure that the kids weren't just making up the story, first of all.

    IF you tell the parents, I think the best thing to do is to ask about it, let them tell you what they believe to be the story, and then say, "Well, that's not the story they're telling the kids at school."

    Now you haven't "exactly" pointed the finger at their kids, but the parents will probably inquire into it.

    Also, if someone was nearly killed, then if you know the night in question and the location (or a cclose approximation), you could call the police and just relate what you know about it.

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  9. #9

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    Re: What would you do , if anything, about this situation?

    As a 19 year old you should know that what friends say counts however that doesn't necessarily impact decision making. Unfortunately people are going to do what they want to do. Your kids are going to suffer if they continue to choose not to take part in what their friends are doing. If you are good friends with the parents or at least know their first names you should tell them what you know. Those kids should know that there are consequences to every action. Also let your kids know that not everyone does drugs or gets drunk regularly. I've never been drunk and I've never done drugs. Although as a junior in college I am in the minority. Be thankful that you taught your kids well.

  10. #10

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    Re: What would you do , if anything, about this situation?

    Quote Originally Posted by Princess Buttercup
    Hi Folks,

    Since you don't know any of these people in my story, I thought you'd be a nice neutral group of peers to ask for advice.

    Last night, my teenagers were talking to my husband and me at the dinner table and we heard some stories from them about their freinds that greatly concerned us....


    Our 17 year old twins told us that while they were at a wedding for one of their church youth leaders, several of their 17 year old friends were standing around with them in a big circle talking about how they had recently gotten really drunk, were driving home after that and gotten into an accident where they almost killed someone. They didn't get arrested because they fled the scene and their parents have no idea of what happened. In fact , their parents are pretty clueless about a lot of what they have been doing that my kids have told me about in the last two years. I asked my daughters what they said when they heard the story and one said she didn't say anything while the other asked "Why would you do something like that?"

    My 15 year old son told us that his friend , who he has known since he was 6 and went to the same school with till this year when they had to go to seperate high schools, tried smoking pot and is now wanting our son to try smoking pot with him. My son had a long talk with him and told him that he thinks smoking pot is really stupid, that he doesn't want to try it, and that he doesn't want him to smoke it again. Just like the other situation, we know the parents really well and know that they have no idea what their son is doing.


    I love all of these kids very much....they have grown up with my kids and I hate that they are making the choices they've been making. I know it's pretty normal teenage stuff to experiment with these things , but I don't want to see any of them get hurt or hurt anyone else. I'm debating whether to talk to them myself and/or talk to their parents as well, but if I do, then they may not tell my kids anything ever again because they might feel betrayed.

    What would you guys do in this situation? Any advice would be greatly appreciated!
    Is fleeing the scene of an accident not a crime there? It is normal to experiment maybe but if there is something like drinking and driving involved that could occur again with a worse outcome..I would be concerned and if you were not sure what to do....even an unsigned note to the parents could help save it from happening again maybe?

    Your son sounds like he held his own on the pot issue and good for him!. I would leave that one as it sounds like he handled it well.

  11. #11

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    Re: What would you do , if anything, about this situation?

    Me, I used to do the same crap.
    I wish I had a mom I could tell all of it to but she was workign graveyard and she just did not have the time, patience or fortitude. I kept to my self, my friends drank, drove, they almost got me killed. yep I had many accidents where i was a pasenger and today think back at all the times I was almost killed. Talk to them and tell them about me, that my friends who I loved dearly never thought about me, my life or anything but having fun. Today I am glad to be alive but a few of my friends are not.
    two people I knew got in a horrible accident and her head was torn off, he was scalped and both died at the scene. I had roll overs, and was even throw from a truck.
    If you want to keep them safe remind them that they have a future, that there friends are not going to be responsible for them, that they have to care for them selves and this means not going with them drunk,not smoking pot( yep my friends were high most of the time!
    Many of my friends were raped, and I was in situations I can not even describe. your good parents, just talk with them and remind them that there future is in doing the right thing and keeping clear of the wrong things.
    As far as your son, there is tons of peer pressure, he is doing well and with you and dad talking and comunicating you have nothing to worry about

    oh and I would not talk to there parents, they will not listen and they may attack you in defence of there own. Tell your kids to just stay clear and be safe!!!

  12. #12

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    Re: What would you do , if anything, about this situation?

    Quote Originally Posted by Princess Buttercup
    Hi Folks,

    Our 17 year old twins told us that while they were at a wedding for one of their church youth leaders, several of their 17 year old friends were standing around with them in a big circle talking about how they had recently gotten really drunk, were driving home after that and gotten into an accident where they almost killed someone. They didn't get arrested because they fled the scene and their parents have no idea of what happened.
    Seems to me that it should be pretty easy to check if there were any recent hit-run accidents. If so, I believe an annoymous tip to authorities is in order. In most states hit-run and drunk driving is a crime, also, knowing about a crime and not doing something about it could be sending a message to your kids that it is OK to do these kinds of things if they don't get caught. Another message is that if they see things they should not tell if no police present. If nobody ever helps the police, some things never get solved. A side note, how would anyone feel if their kids got hit in a hit-run and people saw or knew about it, but did nothing?

    There may not have been an accident at all, maybe the kids were just trying to impress others, not a good impression IMHO, but an impression that they were trying to make.

    In any case, it sounds like your kids have their heads together. Sometimes kids not involved in things can get caught up in bad things, so mabye your kids need new friends. Maybe not an order or edict from you, but if you talk to your kids and see how they feel about the situation and how they would feel about being caught up in something they did not do. Also, how you would feel if your kids got caught up in something like this?

    This is a tough one! Emotionally there is no easy way. In the end you are going to have to do what feels right for you and your kids, even then, no matter what you do, or do not do, it is going to have serious emotional impact (and maybe social impact) for you and your kids for a long, long time. Raising kids in todays world is a very, very difficult thing. Good luck.

    In the end, I believe you need to ask yourself what you might want someone else to do if your kids or others close to you were victims of a hit-run.

    I was not trying to tell you what to do, but just give you food for thought.

    Bless,

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    Andy

  13. #13

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    Re: What would you do , if anything, about this situation?

    Whatever you do, make sure your kids know what you plan on doing...discuss it with them. If you don't, you will hurt your obviously great relationship with them very badly, because they will feel that you are not respecting your confidentiality with them. Explain to them why you're doing what you're going to do. I've found that a constant problem with parent-kid relationships is that parents will say, "Because I said so" - (not necessarily what you do/will do, but as a teen, that's the one thing we can't stand - not having an explanation). Some just don't care to go into detail. But if you do explain yourself, you're not belittling your kids, you're placing them on an equal level, and you're making the moral message clear.

    Good luck!

  14. #14

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    Re: What would you do , if anything, about this situation?

    The best thing you can do for your kids and their friends is to keep leading by your own example. Often kids who drink come from homes where drinking is an everyday occurance. It's hard to expect teens to be reponsible when they see their own parents tossing back a few,or more than a few, on a daily basis and thinking that's OK. The same goes for drugs. My children have never seen me drunk and they never will. They also know that it's not ever OK to drive after even one drink. They know they can call me at any time for a ride.
    If you are worried about the safety of your kids' friends, by all means, chat with their parents in a non confrontational way. Just bringing up the subject without mentioning their own child. Ask them what their views on the subject are and how'd they handle it. It might get them to thinking.

  15. #15

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    Re: What would you do , if anything, about this situation?

    I want to thank everyone for their good advice ...it's really helpful to get different perspectives. I wondered if the teenagers may have been exaggerating about what happened and then my husband and I saw an article in the newspaper about a party that the cops had to break up....the one the kids had attended. (not my kids, but the kids they know) . I work with the junior high kids at church but I am thinking of talking to the people who work with the senior high kids and letting them know what I heard. I am also thinking about inviting my son's friend to go on with us on our trip to DL and Sedona. It may be that he's just bored and needs to have some good clean fun without drugs or alcohol.
    Last edited by Princess Buttercup; 12-28-2005 at 04:57 PM.

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