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  1. #1

    • Lost Princess and Bat 861
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    Wayward relative help

    I have a different spin on the wayward relative problem. Mine is my grandmother. We live in California; she lives in Alabama near the Florida state line. She is 77 and in ill health. She has no balance and has been told she MUST use her walker. She doesn't follow her diet (she's diabetic), doesn't use her walker and doesn't tell her doctor very important info. She fractured her spine last May; Mom and I both went to help out after she left the hospital. When we left, she told us she didn't want us to come back at the same time because we were mean to her. We made her do her therapy exersizes, wear her brace, use her walker and follow her diet (really , huh?). She's been in the hospital twice since then because of insulin problems. Tonight we got a call she has fallen again and broken her leg. She had to be transfered to a larger hospital in Florida and is having surgery in the morning. We are really at the end of our ropes. Neither Mom or I can go back and stay unlimited amounts of time. Even if we could just drop everything and move, there is nowhere in the small town she lives in we could get jobs to support ourselves and she refuses to consider moving. We have tried hiring some one to help out and when they arrive, she refuses to let them in. I'm just so frustrated with the whole situation I'm having a hard time being objective. And my poor Mom is practicly pulling her hair out. Any input, suggestions or opinions would be greatly appreciated, I could really use a fresh perspective on this.

  2. #2

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    Re: Wayward relative help

    Does your mom have power of attorney? I'm not quite sure how to convince your grandmother to give it up but if she was then your mom could put her in some kind of assisted living home. Giving up independce is a hard thing for the elderly to face... We'bve been though it all with my grandparents, and it took yers and years for nmy grandpa to sign over power and then years for him to accept being puit into assisted living. He still thinks hee can go back to the farm but he won't ever be able to be. My fgamily's screwed up in many ways. Anyway, maybe forcing her isn't the best thing... all I can say is just keep trying to convince her, have the nurses at the hospital try to convince her and pray a lot, if that's your thing.
    Good morning, son
    In twenty years from now
    Maybe we'll both sit down and have a few beers
    And I can tell you 'bout today
    And how I picked you up and everything changed
    It was pain
    Sunny days and rain
    I knew you'd feel the same things...





  3. #3

    • Lost Princess and Bat 861
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    Re: Wayward relative help

    For anyone interested, here's the latest. Mom called yesterday and happened to catch the hospital social worker doing her intake evaluation. She was very suprised to get the call as Grandmother had said "I haven't heard from my children in 5 years. I don't know where my daughter is and my son lives out of the country." She was even more suprised to hear my "out of the country" uncle live 10-20 minutes away, depending on traffic. Grandmother also neglected to tell any one at the hospital she is an insulin dependent diabetic.

    She had surgery yesterday afternoon. I haven't gotten all the details yet, but it did involve a rod inserted in her knee and a pin in her hip. She supposedly will require 2 months in a nursing/convalecent home (assuming she doesn't get kicked out like she did last year when she cracked a vertabre). She has already told Mom she wants out of the hospital because they are mean to her and she doesn't want to go to the nursing home in Atmore because they were mean to her.

    I have to admit some of it's begining to get funny, but then my sense of humor is a bit tilted. I will keep posting, not necessarily because ya'll want to hear this saga but I really need to vent about it. Thanks for listening, guys.

  4. #4

    • Just Me
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    Re: Wayward relative help

    It sounds like she is playing the "pity me" card with the social worker. My sick sense of humor has me giggling too.

  5. #5

    • Lost Princess and Bat 861
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    Re: Wayward relative help

    Well, apparently Grandmothers new doctor saw right through her act (I think I that man). He came in and flat out told her there was no way she would be going home for at least two months. If she doesn't follow a strict plan, she will be stuck in a wheelchair for the rest of her life. She is not even ready for a convelecent home. She would have to be to devote 4 to 8 hours per day to physical therapy. She has been transfered to a sub acute nursing facility where there is a physical therapist on duty 6 days a week. Mom spoke to several hospital staff, asking where would you want some one you love in this situation. The answer was almost unanimous, so that's where she is. Even she had a hard time finding something to complain about !

  6. #6

    • Lost Princess and Bat 861
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    Re: Wayward relative help

    Hmm, so much to type, so little energy. I think I'll go with one episode at a time and we shall start with the step-gradfather drama. He has early alzheimers and although he is clear most of the time, he has his moments. He drove over to Pensacola to see grandmother Monday (I didn't know he still had his license!) As he went to leave, he couldn't remember where he parked the car and started accusing the facilities staff of stealing it. When he wouldn't calm down, the sheriff was called. He was insistant on leaving, although he didn't know where he was or how to get home. One of the deputies let the air out of his tires to keep him from driving and they called my uncle to come and take him home. The car has been towed home but the tires aren't fixed yet. We're pretty sure he'll drive it without his license as soon as the tires have air. Stay tuned for further updates.
    A bit of evil lurks in your heart, but you hide it well.
    In some ways, you are the most dangerous kind of evil.

  7. #7

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    Re: Wayward relative help

    My sister ended up going to court to get conservatorship over my mom. But it was worth it. Strangers she'd meet at the local bingo parlor would move in with her and steal from her, but she wouldn't trust her own family. Turns out this is common for one with senile dementia.

    She first went into assisted living, then to a memory-impaired unit, and finally to a smaller facility where she got more personal attention.
    Have bicycle, will ride. Finished 2012 with 10,089 miles, 683 hours, and 482,000 feet of elevation gain.
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  8. #8

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    Re: Wayward relative help

    I can totally see not wanting to give up her independance. It's hard for loved ones, but still, I understand. I'm probably going to be that kind of old lady!

    I'm not sure there's much you can do, long-distance, to help her. She has to want the help, and it sounds like she would rather live in misery than accept help. I have neighbors like that.

    I think it's pretty impressive that she got kicked *out* of a home! I do hope they kept her long enough to let that cracked vertebrae heal a little bit... ? Dang, what do you have to do to get kicked out? I need ideas for my future.

    Seriously, I hope the hospital staff can help her, and that she will be all right when she goes home. It's a tough place for you and your mom. Hang in there.
    I pledge allegiance to the Earth, one planet, many gods, and to the universe in which she spins.

  9. #9

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    Re: Wayward relative help

    It may sound cruel, but at this point your grandmother is a danger to herself. I would have your mother or uncle petition for conservator ship. Her best interests must be taken into consideration and she does not appear to be able to that for herself at this time. Though it is probably less expensive where she is at. It may be a worth your mothers peace of mind to have her brought out here to live, even in a long term care facility if need be. At least she'd be close to family and be where you would all be able to see her frequently and know that she is being properly cared for.
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  10. #10

    • Lost Princess and Bat 861
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    Re: Wayward relative help

    Yeah, that's what I'm trying to convince Mom of. I've told her that taking care of Grandmother doesn't have to entail making herself miserable. I say reverse mortgage the house and put GM's fanny in a NICE assisted care facility in her(their) own appartment. She could cook if she was able or wanted to or eat in the cafateria. There would be some one to check on them every day and help them out. Many of these facilities have all kinds of amenities and even take residents on outings and trips.

    Oh, by the way, yesterday GM told Mom the facility she's in is awful, they hire people on CONSIGNMENT!
    A bit of evil lurks in your heart, but you hide it well.
    In some ways, you are the most dangerous kind of evil.

  11. #11

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    Re: Wayward relative help

    Oh hon, I am so sorry. I am in this slight circumstance at this time my self. Dad had alzimers, I deal with it every day, mom had many health problems and I deal with those to. I also take care of my handicapped nephew who lives at moms,and i care for him 7 days a week. I am scared. yep scared, I love my family so much, but out of six kids I am the one holding the bag. How do I get away, I do not. But in the last 3 years I have a chance to escape for 3,4 or now 5 days I am pretty sure this will be my last time, maybe for years. But I do believe family comes first. Dad, what a sweet heart now, but in his younger years such a **** head.
    mom, and dad drove me nuts when I was younger, telling me to do this and this, now I do the meds, I do the doctors visits, I do the banking etc. Some days, I feel such great stress, and yes I am mad the others do not help!! Oh they come visit, and call, but do they offer to shovel the foot of snow all the time,? do they fix things around there house? hell no. and they are carpenters!! and have money.NOOOOOO!
    Get control of gramma, help her into a home where she can get good care. I supose you can not bring her to you guys? Is there any other children who can help?
    YOu and yours are in my prayers, I am so sorry, and I am so sad for gramma, she is not taking getting old well, how very sad. I feel for her. none of us want to get old and lose our capasity to care for our selves.
    Take care

  12. #12

    • Lost Princess and Bat 861
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    Re: Wayward relative help

    I love my grandmother and feel sorry for her, I just can't deal with being around her. She has spent all her life being miserable; she's not happy unless life is a dark pit of dispair. It starts with blaming her parents for dying and leaving her as a baby and continues on to how the hospital staff hate her. If there is nothing to be upset about, she will create her own chaos. She is like a black hole sucking the happiness and beauty out of of everything around her. There is a reason we live 3,000 miles away from her. None of us can do anything right and even attempts are subject to her distain. My uncle is so disfunctional regarding her he is useless. I think the only reason my mom is somewhat sane is because she was raised by my great-great-grandmother. I learned a long time ago that protecting my well being meant limiting my time with her.
    A bit of evil lurks in your heart, but you hide it well.
    In some ways, you are the most dangerous kind of evil.

  13. #13

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    Re: Wayward relative help

    Ah, the wonders of family. I'm sorry you're going through this. Do what you can, though you know that she'll be unappreciative, and go on with your life. Listen to your mom vent, just listen. Let it roll off you. No matter how nice a home you put your grandmother in, she'll hate it I'm sure. You know she lies. It sounds like you've got her number pretty well.

    Hang in there.
    I pledge allegiance to the Earth, one planet, many gods, and to the universe in which she spins.

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