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  1. #1

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    Telling my kids he needs new friends and to stay away from the bad ones

    In my whole life as a parent I have never told my kids they can't have certain people as friends- but I am about to.

    Ian has two friends- both of them are immature, which feeds his own immaturity. They both talk back disrespectfully to adults- teachers, parents, grandparents- and Ian is starting to as well. They are both nasty to him when it suits them, and frankly, they are damaging his ability to make other friends.

    Ian is my borderline kid- he does well in school and ok socially- but tip him one way or the other and he could fall apart. Mom spent time with them today and she is freaking out at how insane they behave- and the other kids are mean to them. It's a mess.

    Ian needs to break free and make new friends- and I am ready to block access to these two boys (their parents/grandparents are also at their wits end)- his teacher said that Ian and one of the other kids pushed her as far as she has ever been pushed in her teaching CAREER!

    So- while I have never banned friends my kids have chosen (except for the druggie ones Davis knew) I am ready to do just that-anyone else ever been in that situation? What did you do?

  2. #2

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    Re: Telling my kids he needs new friends and to stay away from the bad ones

    I think you HAVE to ban those kids from Ian. They sound like trouble and you don't want that for Ian. Does he have other friends? If so, really encourage those relationships. Good luck!!

  3. #3

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    Re: Telling my kids he needs new friends and to stay away from the bad ones

    i mean this lightheartedly...you and i have agreed on very little...but this one MOM...i'm RIGHT BEHIND YA!
    it's just not worth all the 'undoing' you will constantly try to do when involved with these type of influences. I've had the same problem with my daughter..in a sence i still am because she's befriended a girl who is just AWFUL to my daughter..& em just keeps taking her back!
    but you're doing the right thing....
    only 'alternative' i can think of is (something we experienced) only let him play with those kids at your house...then you come down REALLLY Heavy on them with 'in our home, these are the rules, if you talk in such and such a way you can go home" they either succumb...or get so fed up with it that the friendship naturally weans itself.
    do what you can...and don't feel badly....

  4. #4

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    Re: Telling my kids he needs new friends and to stay away from the bad ones

    Oh those kids sound like bad news. You do what you have to! Good luck, you're in my thoughts! (((HUGS)))

  5. #5

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    Re: Telling my kids he needs new friends and to stay away from the bad ones

    Thanks for the notes- nice to know I am not some unfair mom for feeling this way.

    But what is it with people having to point out that they don't usually agree with me? Is that some sort of badge of honor these days?

    He does NOT have other friends- mostly because he has been tied up with these two for a long time. One of them is supposed to be on meds, but he can't be because he has heart issues. So he is off those meds and that makes him worse. He has been sent to live with his grandparents because his Mom can't handle him.

    (Braden had two "friends" like that- both sent out of state )

    As of tonight I am not allowing the phone calls, and I am going to have a talk with Ian. He's going to go a little mental- but he has to make better choices.
    Last edited by Nephythys; 03-22-2006 at 04:33 PM.

  6. #6

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    Re: Telling my kids he needs new friends and to stay away from the bad ones

    When I was in my late tweens through early teens, I didn't have many friends. But I had good grades and was talented musically and athletically. Unfortunately, I fell in with a "bad" group of girls who were emotionally and verbally abusive and constantly "up to no good." I quickly spiralled downhill because I wanted so desperately to fit in. My grades plumetted, I stopped my usual activities (after school sports, band etc.) and got into some activities I shouldn't. Then it got worse and I got into pretty big trouble. Thankfully my parents stood their ground and cut me off from those kids. Oh I hated them at the time! I would rather have had those friends than no friends at all. But they put me in a cadet program and forced me to go back to after schoool activities. It took a while but it turned out I excelled in the military environment and turned out to be a natural leader. I made life-long friends and turned cadets into both a university scholarship and now my full time career (military band.)

    I completely agree that you should cut these kids off pronto before that "sassing" back turns into worse behaviour!
    Does your son have any activities that he excels at? Sports/ Music/Art/Nature? That's probably the easiest way to make friends (like-minded kids.) I know after-school programs can be pricey, but surely there is something free/cheap in your area? And once he ditches the bad seeds, he might make new friends more easily as kids may not be approaching him for fear of the other two.

    Good luck! I hope this all works out!
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  7. #7

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    Re: Telling my kids he needs new friends and to stay away from the bad ones

    We have that issue in my house. There is one little boy in my neighborhood that we have a hard time dealing with. Luckily, we're still at the stage where they only go to each other's houses and not somewhere to hangout. But, I won't let my son go to his house, because the family is a little unstable.

    I prefer my son to have his friends at my house, because then I can keep an eye on things, and I don't worry so much about what's going on at other peoples homes.

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    Re: Telling my kids he needs new friends and to stay away from the bad ones

    But what is it with people having to point out that they don't usually agree with me? Is that some sort of badge of honor these days?


    awww hun..i suppose it was my way of letting you..know that eventhough we disagree so much...that when it comes down to mama-heart matters...we can connect on that heart string!

  9. #9

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    Re: Telling my kids he needs new friends and to stay away from the bad ones

    Quote Originally Posted by pixywingz
    But what is it with people having to point out that they don't usually agree with me? Is that some sort of badge of honor these days?


    awww hun..i suppose it was my way of letting you..know that eventhough we disagree so much...that when it comes down to mama-heart matters...we can connect on that heart string!
    Yes- I understand. But we disagree so much??? I guess that is where I am lost.

    oh well.....I guess it's just the way it is.

    We're having the "talk"- it's going to be a process. Ian gets it, but it's not going to be easy.

    Today Mom went on a field trip with his class and these two boys backtalked HER! Mocked her, disobeyed her requests, and Ian even got in inappropriate shots at MY MOTHER in their company! Pretty much I am telling Ian that I am not wanting him to rudely cut these boys off, but I do expect him to say no, walk away, and start moving towards other kids and try to strike up conversations. It will help when he is in junior high, in several classes and not just one room. I am going to help him as well, like taking kids to Six Flags etc.....

  10. #10

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    Re: Telling my kids he needs new friends and to stay away from the bad ones

    As a grammie who raised 2 daughters I really do suggest that if son has a problem giving up these friends allow them only to hang at your home with your house rules. Whatever happens its a win win situation for your son either they dont like the way its going to be then the guys will go away or if they do come to visit hang there it may end up being one of the most influential and nuturing enviroments in their lives and turn them around.
    Secoundly as far as outside the homes organized activities for your son , sports, music ect... the old too busy to get in trouble thing.
    Both my girls had friends in and out of our home so much the door should have been revolving the best thing was I always knew where my kids were.

  11. #11

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    Re: Telling my kids he needs new friends and to stay away from the bad ones

    Be careful. I know sometimes these things tend to backfire, only sending the child closer to those you want him away from.

    Good luck!!

  12. #12

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    Re: Telling my kids he needs new friends and to stay away from the bad ones

    How old is your son (sorry if I missed it)?

    If he is old enough, have him watch the movie, Bronx Tale, it is about young men and relationships, and has a great point about choosing your friends. Ironically enough, the star of the movie (who in the movie ended up making a good decision and saved his life) was recently arrested and charged with multiple felonies including accessory to murder against a NYPD officer.

    Anyway, good luck, it won't be easy, and as Migo stated, this may push your son towards these guys. It might work better to really explain why you're doing what you're doing. Often if we build kids up and let them know we expect great things, they will respond and live up to our expectations.

    Best of Luck!




  13. #13

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    Re: Telling my kids he needs new friends and to stay away from the bad ones

    I never hung out with bad kids... but my mom often tried to dictate who I hung out with. It didn't bother me when she rejected my friends (she was always right there) what bothered me is when she chose friends for me.
    I would say express your concern to your sons and give them reasons. They'll realize your right sooner or later.

  14. #14

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    Re: Telling my kids he needs new friends and to stay away from the bad ones

    okay....just been wondering how your situation has been going.. update? :-)

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