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  1. #1

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    Question The Desperate Housewives Project: Can you train a man?!?!?

    Ladies, I have reached the end of my rope.

    Let me preface this by saying how much I love my husband. He is a dear man and I am lucky to have him. That being said, he is still a man. I have never wanted to be a wife who nags. I don't want to be a pain in the neck. However, I am getting b!tchy and naggy and I don't like it.

    I have come to the conclusion that I have been trained, and I don't like it. My husband has trained me to pick up after him, take care of everything around the house, and take good care of him. He works very hard and I don't really mind it. However, I also work very hard, currently I work one full time job, one part time job, and do some independant contracting on the side. Once summer is over I will also be a full time student.

    You can see how being a mother to my husband could get a little old. I have told him over and over again that I don't have time to do everything and could he possibly help me out. I then get the song and dance of "I am tired when I get home (so am I)" I don't feel like doing anything after work (you think I do?)" "I don't know what you need help with (um, look around)" "Just tell me what you need help with (I have told you a hundred times!)" I am at the point where I am tired of nagging and I am tired of feeling bitter everytime I have to pick up after him or do something he is perfectly capable of doing and should do for himself.

    So I had an idea today, to try an experiment and see if he notices, to see if I can train him. Its simple really. I just want to train him to pick up after himself. To put his clothes in the hamper, to not walk in the door and just drop everything, to throw away his garbage. You know, simple basic things that I always do for him. But starting now, I will not do any of it. I am not going to make a big deal about it or tell him that I have made this change, I am simply just not going to clean up after him any longer. I will wash his clothes, but only if they make it into the hamper, won't pick up after him. You get the idea. Maybe when he needs clothes for work and none are clean, or when he can't walk through the front door because 10 pairs of his shoes are in the way, he will get the idea.

    So ladies, (and gents) what do you think? Am I crazy? Is this something I just have to learn to live with, or can I change this one little thing? Do any of you have the same problem? I came here mostly to vent, but also to hold myself accountable. After a few days I might just get tired of looking at the mess and clean it up myself, but you guys have to keep me strong. I can't cave until he notices.

    I really don't want to change anything major, I just need him to see how unfair it is that he takes for granted that he never has to do anything. We don't have kids yet, but I can't even think about it when he is so helpless himself. So I guess we will see how long it takes before he notices. My guess: 2 weeks.
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  2. #2

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    Re: The Desperate Housewives Project: Can you train a man?!?!?

    I just wanted to wish you good luck!!

    I'm doing like 90% of the housework right now, but that's only because I am a full time house wife & college student again. He's working full time plus a boat load of overtime so I don't have to work while I'm in school. That's not your situation though...

    When we were both working full time, if it didn't get it done...it just didn't get done. You're going to need to be prepared to have crap piled up all over your house, bathrooms not cleaned, trash laying around, etc for more than just a few days. Depending on your husband, you may have to go a week or so before he notices. I didn't fret or worry about it too much, although it didn't please me. I still did most (like 55%) of the housework/finances/etc then. Eventually, he realized if he needed clean clothes for work he'd do the laundry and/or start putting his clothes in the hamper. And now I am happy to report that most of the time, his dirty clothes make it into the hamper. He also realized if he wanted to invite people over, the place needed to look presentable which means cleaning up after yourself.
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  3. #3

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    Re: The Desperate Housewives Project: Can you train a man?!?!?

    Lol good luck, ever see a mostly naked man stumble over 15 pairs of shoes on the way out the door to work. They just dont get it , blame their moms they did everything for them most likely if not we started out in domestic bliss and took over the job...now we regret it. I have also started the policy that if its not in the hamper it dosent get washed hmmm he will just wear something else.Then when his side of the bed floor is a mile high with clothes he stuffs them in the hamper and I have the wash load from HELL!
    Mine will put garbage on the kitchen counter right above the trash masher but since its his job to lug the garbage out he feels its my job to fill it.
    I do most the gardening with the exception of mowing about 1/2 acre of lawns but somehow when people admire the garden its his flowers and shrubs, go figure. I wish you luck my dog is too old to learn new tricks.
    My daughter has a son with another on the way and she swears she is going to train them to be good hubbys, we shall see.

  4. #4

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    Re: The Desperate Housewives Project: Can you train a man?!?!?

    i couldn't stop laughing while reading these...although don't get me wrong..i've been married for 21 years & been an at home mom for 19 years..i definitely know what it is to feel invisible & underappreciated.
    i'll give you one very very effective tip. "Catch him being good"....when you finally DO get him to pick something up...put something away..clean something... Let Him Know! and yes...i can hear it now... "but he never tells me thank you...never notices...etc.." it's true..but the main element here is you want him to do more...and this works!
    look at this from a man's point of view... ask him randomly if he'll empty the dryer for you...your back is hurting...or something...and he does... a while later..walk up to him...smile sweetly...and THANK HIM...then give him a nice 'better than normal' kiss..... leave little thank you notes unexpectedly...a lipstick 'love you' on the mirror while he showers...

    keep this up..mean it from your heart...and you'll have him looking for things to do around the house!

  5. #5

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    Re: The Desperate Housewives Project: Can you train a man?!?!?

    ahh good luck my friend.. im doing the same thing... so far my kitchen is a wreck, clothes and shoes ALL OVER the living room..i think he is getting the hint cause he is running out of socks and underwear cause the puppy is eating them. I blame the bf's grandma..she did everything but powder his butt for him..while my mom trained my brothers to pick up after themselves and wash dishes so it can be done, but for effective long lasting training i think they have to be caught young before the testosterone levels get too high. the bf will SOMETIMES pick up his trash and his dishes might make it to the sink every once in a blue moon..but then he is good for maybe 2 days then he reverts back to helpless, unappreciative mode then the whole cycle starts again..be prepard for a wall of clothes and be sure not to break your neck on the thousand pair of shoes you will find under the clothes..and always remember during this time... ITS ILLEGAL TO SHOOT THEM!!!!!!


  6. #6

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    Re: The Desperate Housewives Project: Can you train a man?!?!?

    I have dealt with it my self,read book on how to change old habbits and I want to tell you it did not work for me. What did work? I told my ex, I am going to hire a student to come clean 2 hours a day here. and it will come out of your wages. it was the best thing I ever did!!! Hon, if you know a teen who wants to make a 15 dollar spot you got it made!!! they will do dishes, wash cloths and vacume, it takes a load of your mind, and you can do less. I know I tried to let things go with mine, but he let it all go to pot! he did not pick up anything and we fought over it until I wanted to scream ( ooops I did scream!
    really, if you can save 60 bucks a week, and hire a nice young girl to help out you have the bull by the shoulders. ( no kidding! you will love the fact at least the laundry will get done, ( make sure she is getting each load into the washer as one gets done put another in) and dishes are done, and vacuming... yep you will be in a better frame of mind. and tell the hubby, this comes out of your play money... see if he begins to help out. m ine did, he hated the fact his party cash went to the house cleaning. so after 6 months he began to clean up. he slipped a few times, so I told him the girl was coming back... and she did a few times.. but in the end he began to do house cleaning to.
    Last edited by Hakuna Makarla; 07-02-2006 at 07:52 AM.

  7. #7

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    Re: The Desperate Housewives Project: Can you train a man?!?!?

    My daughter is currently helping people in my neighborhood doing there lawns and mowing, she has saved up 350.00 for school cloths. She is one hard worker, and she would do your work for you in a heart beat. I am willing to bet you can find a young girl who wants money for school cloths to and willing to work her butt off for you
    my kid is!! ( wish you had her in your neck of the woods you would love her! and she is only 11 !!! She does more house work then most kids and gets a good allounce for it. but I trained her, if you want pretty things when you get older you will have to work for them, she does it now and has a ball buying cloths, shoes ( we are a single family and could never afford 100.00 shoes) But when she has enough saved up she gets them
    Look for a kid to help out, you will thank me in the end. oh and if one does not work out, another will. look out your door, see the kid out side watching there brother or sister, doing the lawn or looking like she is working, chances are she is a good worker. ask the parent about her, good luck hon, I understand what you are going thru. believe me!

  8. #8

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    Re: The Desperate Housewives Project: Can you train a man?!?!?

    The solution... find a man that already knows how to clean up after himself.

  9. #9

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    Re: The Desperate Housewives Project: Can you train a man?!?!?

    Quote Originally Posted by aimster
    The solution... find a man that already knows how to clean up after himself.
    Like they exist!

    Well, no they do, but I can't deal with the military precision they seem to require. When I visit my dad for more than a few days, we drive each other crazy. He puts every thing away each time he uses it. If I'm not finished and I'll be back in an hour or so, I leave it out.


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  10. #10

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    Re: The Desperate Housewives Project: Can you train a man?!?!?

    I don't think you're crazy. Maybe he won't notice, but maybe he will. Good luck! Takes a while but mine does laundry and dishes when I've been working a lot and it piles up.
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  11. #11

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    Re: The Desperate Housewives Project: Can you train a man?!?!?

    Quote Originally Posted by bejeweledcat
    Like they exist!

    Well, no they do, but I can't deal with the military precision they seem to require.
    My dad is like that (and he was never in the military). I started calling him June Cleaver after awhile because the man's neat-freakness drove both me and my mom crazy. This man would clean everything... and I mean EVERYTHING with Fantastik while I was growing up. Lord help whoever left papers somewhere because he wouldn't look to see what things were when picking up... they just went in the trash. My mom has given him plenty of hell for it when he accidentally threw out receipts of some things she was going to return to the store ro receipts for Christmas/birthday presents or whatnot. He even started doing it last time they visited me and my mom had a hissy... "Leave it alone! This is not your house!" She got so mad she almost drove back to Lakeland without him!

  12. #12

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    Re: The Desperate Housewives Project: Can you train a man?!?!?

    <whew> Good to see I am not alone! We've only been married 3 years, so I am hoping there is still time to change him. I like the idea of hiring someone to help out, but that won't solve the long term problem. He won't be able to act this way when we have kids.

    Day one: no shoes or laundry on the floor yet, lets see what happens when he comes home from work at 2 am.

    Hmm, maybe if I found a really hot young lad to come help clean that would drive the point home......
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  13. #13

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    Re: The Desperate Housewives Project: Can you train a man?!?!?

    Good luck!! I say you are right in wanting to train him now -- especially before you have kids! I have a great magnet that I got before we had kids that shows a 50s family sitting in a living room and says, "I'll be a great parent once I'm done raising my husband."

  14. #14

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    Re: The Desperate Housewives Project: Can you train a man?!?!?

    Ahhh, the classic molding clay. I feel for ya, DQ. J and I both had to just sit down and divy chores up, since we're both lazy....not just him. Because neither of us can use the, "well, I work all day" excuse, since we both do. It's much easier to share/split the shores. Not saying hes still leaves his shoes all over the place (which at the point of stubbing my toes on them, I will resort to nagging) , but at least the trash is eventually taken out because that's his responsibility. Eh...still work in progress.
    Marge: Barnacle Bill's Home Pregnancy Test? Homer, shouldn't we have gone with a better-known brand?
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    Marge: Pink.
    Homer: D'oh!
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  15. #15

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    Re: The Desperate Housewives Project: Can you train a man?!?!?

    DQ,

    First, let me say you are a genius.

    As a guy, I will say we are slow on the uptake and it takes us a while to learn.

    I have a friend who is trying to decide whether or not to keep up a guy who is pretty much a turd. Anyway, long story short, I told her that when you first meet a guy, you are seeing him at his best. Guys are like clay that has almost hardened. You can mold us a little bit, but not much.

    As for your solution DQ, you are perfect. Just stop enabling the behavior. Your plan is great, don't pick up for him, etc. Nada.

    Also, I know it may be too early for this nuke....Uhh.. but it may be time to withhold, well, you know.

    On the bright side, if you SEE any positive action on his part, make sure you praise him like a kid who learned how to use the potty. Positive reinforcement is going to be very helpful.

    Best of luck.




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