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  1. #1

    • white and nerdy
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    <.< >.> uh. I need a woman's perspective.

    This is just a bit of writing I did. I wanted to test myself, to see if I could write from a different point of view realisticly. This is written from teenage girls perspective. I posted it in the Writers Club, but I wanted a more focused female perspective.
    If you hate it, don't be shy to tell me.

    here it is. It's kind of long. Thanks in advance!!

    Two teenage girls sat on the edge of the driveway and stared at the blinking, yellow light above the “Slow Deaf Child” sign. Neither one of them was the deaf child in question.

    Shannon was older by two months. Sixteen, though she liked to tell people she was nineteen. People believed it too, well, men did. She was wearing a black t-shirt with a web undershirt that stretched down her arms and looped through her thumbs. Her Catholic school-girl skirt rode above more black webbing on her legs. Her dark brown hair ran down her back as her gaze traveled up to the night sky. You couldn’t see any stars in this neighborhood. What little of the sky you could see between all the poplar trees and power poles were overpowered by the stupid city lights.

    Ashley was the younger one, still one month shy of sixteen. She leaned her head on her companion’s shoulder and glazed her green eyes so the blinking yellow light blurred and separated, filling her vision. Her hair was short. Nearly buzzed off actually. She shaved it a week before when she watched a documentary on the society of teenage girls. She decided the would throw the ideals of society to hell and be her own person. She cried for five hours after she was done. Her head was shiny when she was done with it.
    Now her hair was a dark black fuzz, a number two cut on the hair clipping sheers. She wore a brown tank top and baggy cargo pants that made her feel a little like Laura Croft or some other fictional woman who was smart, sexy, athletic, beautiful, rich, popular, and still managed to keep her own identity among the sea of clones around her. Such people only existed in video games and movies.

    The two girls wore identical black combat boots and had very similar makeup, dark eyeliner and black lipstick. Their parents thought it was a rebellious faze and didn’t say anything about it, which was stupid really. If their parents didn’t care what kind of makeup they wore, why would they try and rebel against that? The truth of the matter was they liked the way they looked in it. Shannon especially. She imagined that she looked like a Geisha or some exotic character in a storybook.

    The light blinked on and off, on and off, on and off, on and off.

    “This is such bull ****.” Ashley said.

    Shannon laughed in return.

    “My mother is so full of it their eyes are brown.”

    They said nothing for a while, just watched the starless, obstructed sky and basked in the intermitted glow of the yellow light.

    “How can you sleep with that thing going all night?” Shannon asked. “It would drive me crazy.”

    “I like it. It’s soothing. It’s, you know, constant.”

    “You're crazy.” Shannon said.

    “And you’re a slut.”

    The two girls laughed as Shannon pushed Ashley’s head off her shoulder.

    “Seriously,” Ashley said. “A few months back it went out and it woke me up. I didn’t sleep at all for, like, three days until it was fixed.”

    “You're so stupid,” Shannon said. “You didn’t sleep for three days? No one can do that. You’d get sick and die.”

    “Well, I must be the first person in the world to do it then because I couldn’t sleep at all for three days. My mother even gave me some Valium and it didn’t work for me. The doctors said that if I didn’t sleep soon then I would end up in a mental hospital.”

    “You’re a liar,” Shannon said in a matter of fact way.

    “Fine, I don’t care if you don’t believe me.” Ashley said as if she really meant it. “But why would I make something like that up?”

    “What was the doctor’s name then?”

    “Doctor Callahan.”

    “Every doctor is called Doctor Callahan.” Shannon said looking back to the sky.

    The light blinked on and off, on and off, on and off. No cars came by to slow down. The deaf child didn’t leave his house to play in the street, and yet the light still blinked on and off, on and off.

    The two girls were like sisters. The story of their friendship, if you could call something this strong a friendship, was simple and nearly cliché. It began, like most relationships, with geographical location. A divorced real estate mother moved next door to an apple pie and fireworks “you and me and baby makes three” family. The amazing coincidence of both families having daughters who were nearly the same age wasn’t lost on anyone and their friendship was sealed before either of them could poop on the pot.

    The troubled water of school was always a foreign concept to them. Their society consisted of the two of them, Ashley’s mother and Shannon’s mother and father. Neither had any siblings and neither had any other friends. They didn’t need other friends either. Sure, they were teased at school with names calling and rumors spreading since the time they were brownies and people said they smelled like cat pee to the current rumors of being secret lesbian lovers. Sometimes it got to them. Sometimes they could only cry on each other's shoulder in order to cope, but they never seemed to need anything more than that.

    Their parents formed a friendship of convenience as well. Sally (Ashley’s mom) was always invited to Rob and Debbie’s (Shannon’s folks) house for Sunday dinner each week. They would play Texas Hold-um or Hearts for hours on end, betting pennies or nothing more than the plastic chips that came with the cards while the two girls watched TV or chatted with friends on the internet. Most days Sally and Debbie would share a cup of coffee while commenting on the news from the street, neighborhood, town, state, country, world, whatever. Whenever Sally had a date with one of her prospective men, Rob and Debbie would double with her, more than once saving her from situations that could have been bad.

    This night was Sunday and they were on their third game of Hold-um. Normally, they would have quit hours ago, but it was summer and the girls had no school to wake up early for and Rob was on vacation from the insurance agency he worked for so they drank wine and beer and played another hand while their daughters sat outside in the despondent blink of the “Slow Deaf Child” sign.

    “Let’s go somewhere, just you and me,” Ashley said. “Let’s just pick up and go somewhere.”

    “Where?” Shannon asked in a distracted sort of way.

    “I don’t know, anywhere. Montreal or Disney World or, like, the Grand Canyon.”

    “Or all of them.” Shannon said.

    “You can drive.” Ashley said. “We can take you parents car and drive to all of them.”

    “Anything to get away from them.” Shannon said.

    They had both gotten in fights with their parents that night. They both asked if they could go to an acting camp at Stanford. All three parents had said it was ok until they learned it would be a co-ed camp, then they all decided that Ashley and Shannon didn’t need that. They didn’t care about how much fun they would have, how much they would learn, or the undeniable fact that it was no different than going to school with boys every day during the school year. It was unfair and wrong.

    “We could go to Montreal first.” Shannon said, closing her eyes. “We would drive north to Victoria and just drive across all of Canada. We could drive all night and when we had to sleep we would just sleep in the car.

    “You know that Montreal has one of the largest malls in the world.” Ashley said. “It’s all underground too. It goes on for miles and miles and it’s all underground.”

    “After spending a few days there we would drive south and go to Disney World.” Shannon continued. “We wouldn’t stop in New York or Washington DC like the stupid sheeple in school, but we’d go strait to Disney World and stay in a hotel where we could watch the fireworks over Cinderella’s castle. Then we would go west through the deep south and probably get stopped in some backwater swamp town where the sheriff wants to rape us.”

    “We’ll have to kill him if he tries that.” added Ashley in a mock serious voice. “We’ll kill him and feed him to the swap alligators.”

    “And then they’ll send a posse of inbred swamp men to get us and we’ll have to escape by hiding in the swamp water, breathing through little green reeds.”

    The two girls held each other and laughed.

    "And we’ll go to Arizona and visit the Grand Canyon and ride a mule to the bottom and camp with the Indians who live there.” Shannon said when they both regained their composure. “Then we will drive back home to Point Reyes and will have been to more places than just about anyone else in town.”

    They watched a cockroach who flew from the great beyond and landed near the blinking light. It scurried toward the wooden post and disappeared between the cracks of the cement.

    “Yeah right.” Shannon said. “Like our parents would go for that. They won’t let us go to Stanford but they’ll let us drive across the country.”

    “They won’t even let us go to San Francisco by ourselves,” Ashley added. “They don’t trust us at all.”

    “Like we’d even do anything.” Shannon added. “We are the most boring people on the planet.”

    They always referred to Rob, Debbie, and Sally a They. It was never your parents or my parents, it was always our parents. Sally was Shannon’s other mom as was Debbie to Ashley. Rob was both of their dads as far as that went as well. Even when the parents didn’t see eye to eye to eye on things they still formed the holy trinity of parenthood for Shannon and Ashley. They were one in the minds of the two girls though they were not always of one mind.

    “Do you think that they think we are, like, druggies or whores or something?” Ashley asked.

    “I don’t know, probably. No.”

    “I had some pot the other day.” Ashley said. Her voice quivered a bit when she said it.

    The light blinked on and off, on and off, on and off.

    “What was it like?” Shannon asked.

    “It was weird. It felt good, but I don’t think I like it. It was like someone else was controlling me, like the Exorcist or something.”

    “Where did you get it?”

    “I bought it from Rex.”

    “How much did it cost?”

    “Like, twenty-five dollars for a baggie.”

    Shannon laughed. “It really came in a baggie?”

    “Yeah,” Ashley laughed. “A Ziplock baggie, the ‘yellow blue makes green’ kind.”

    “How much did you smoke?”

    “Just one, I flushed the rest because I didn’t want my mom to find it.”
    They sat in silence for a while.

    “If I sold pot, I’d put it in a lunchbox,” Shannon said. “Everyone looks for baggies, no one would suspect a lunchbox.”

    “They would if it was a druggie lunchbox.” Ashley said.

    “What’s a druggie lunchbox?”

    “You know, like,” Ashley paused as she though. “Like a Scooby-Doo one. Everyone knows that Scooby and Shaggy are druggies.”

    “You’re so weird.” Shannon said as she began to laugh again.
    A warm wind blew some scrap paper down the street. It plastered itself against the “Slow Deaf Child” sign and rattled for a moment. The wind died down again and the paper fell limply down, covering the crack were the cockroach was hiding.

    “Let’s really do it someday,” Shannon said. “Let’s really take that trip.”

    “Ok. Let’s really do it then.”

    “It won’t be for a long time, probably till were both eighteen, but lets do it for real. People always say stuff like that but lets really mean it. Lets promise each other than no matter what we are going to travel to Montreal, Disney World, and the Grand Canyon together when we both are eighteen.”

    “Ok.”

    “Promise me,” Shannon said. Here eyes seemed to vibrate with feeling.
    Ashley thought she looked so beautiful with her thick, black eyeliner, her dark eyes, her dark hair. She looked like what Cleopatra might have looked like.

    “I promise.” Ashley said.

    “Promise.” Shannon said again.

    “What do you want? A blood oath?” Ashley asked with a laugh. “I promise. I promise I promise.”

    “Good. I promise too.”

    The two girls shook hands and fell into a hug. They pulled apart just a bit, till their foreheads were touching and looked into each others eyes.
    Ashley went to say something, but stopped. Nothing needed to be said.

    The light blinked on and off, on and off, on and off.

    "We better stop this soon or our parents will think we are in love.” Shannon said.

    “Just shut up and give me a kiss.” Ashley said and they both laughed.
    St. Elizabeth, Patron Saint of Themed parks. Protect us from break downs, long lines, and used gum. Amen.

    "Dance like it hurts, love like you need money, and work when people are watching" - Dogbert





  2. #2

    • Oh... it's a bobby pin.
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    Re: <.< >.> uh. I need a woman's perspective.

    Hello TheJOsh.

    I read your story and liked most of it.... Something baout the "black lipstick" part didn't work for me.... I think most girls...at least the younger ones I know who are rebellious don't wear it.. it's to cliche for a goth girl... I even know Goth girls who think it's cliche.

    I also don't like the "...held eachother and laughed." line... it sounds off..

    Other than that, I really liked it. You know how people say that "When one door closes, a window opens."? This story sounds reminds me of that whoosh noise a window makes when you first crack it open...


    To live would be an awfully big adventure.

  3. #3

    • Waiting for the stork
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    Re: <.< >.> uh. I need a woman's perspective.

    Well I'm interested to find out more.....

    but a couple things bothered me...

    at the beginning it sounds like the girls live in a big city
    You couldn’t see any stars in this neighborhood. What little of the sky you could see between all the poplar trees and power poles were overpowered by the stupid city lights.
    but later you say

    “Then we will drive back home to Point Reyes and will have been to more places than just about anyone else in town.”
    most people wouldn't notice but for someone who lives close to point Reyes it rings false I have seen some of the most beautiful spectacular starry nights there.

    watch your settings small details make a big impact

    and I've personaly never kissed a friend the way that it is discribed
    “Just shut up and give me a kiss.” Ashley said and they both laughed.
    but that could be just me....

    I think you got how they feel about their parents down well

    or the undeniable fact that it was no different than going to school with boys every day during the school year. It was unfair and wrong.
    hmmmmm that sounds a bit familiar to me...were you in my house about 17 years ago???

    keep going, your doing well...

    just my opinion
    procrastibating

  4. #4

    • white and nerdy
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    Re: <.< >.> uh. I need a woman's perspective.

    trust me, you don't hurt my feelings with negitive responses.

    Thanks for the input.

    For example, I didn't mean for them to kiss, just joke about it. I never say they kiss, but I guess the inuendo sends it further than I wanted it to go.
    St. Elizabeth, Patron Saint of Themed parks. Protect us from break downs, long lines, and used gum. Amen.

    "Dance like it hurts, love like you need money, and work when people are watching" - Dogbert





  5. #5

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    Re: <.< >.> uh. I need a woman's perspective.

    Yeah it does... it's good though. It's kinda tense... I'd play upo on that tense feeling. Unless you're not going in the direction of the girls falling for eachother.

    Are you an english teacher? I remember you saying something about a school.. and girls... that might have been the cancer walk though.

    To live would be an awfully big adventure.

  6. #6

    • white and nerdy
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    Re: <.< >.> uh. I need a woman's perspective.

    I'm an education student, but I work at a girls residential treatment center, where I dressed like Alice and walked for about a ga-billion hours.
    St. Elizabeth, Patron Saint of Themed parks. Protect us from break downs, long lines, and used gum. Amen.

    "Dance like it hurts, love like you need money, and work when people are watching" - Dogbert





  7. #7

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    Re: <.< >.> uh. I need a woman's perspective.

    I really liked it, actually. It reminded me of my kid sister and her best friend...only with more makeup.
    They are the Disney Princesses and their goal is world domination. -Mary McNamara | LA Times / AP

    Fall 2004: Fantasyland Attractions

  8. #8

    • white and nerdy
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    Re: <.< >.> uh. I need a woman's perspective.

    Quote Originally Posted by Bibliophile
    I really liked it, actually. It reminded me of my kid sister and her best friend...only with more makeup.
    Thanks. I've been getting a lot of comments about the makeup. LOL. I guess I don't know much about how and why teenage girls wear makeup.

    honestly, I just saw two girls walking downt the street dressed like this.
    St. Elizabeth, Patron Saint of Themed parks. Protect us from break downs, long lines, and used gum. Amen.

    "Dance like it hurts, love like you need money, and work when people are watching" - Dogbert





  9. #9

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    Re: <.< >.> uh. I need a woman's perspective.

    I'm not female so I can't give much perspective from that angle, but I did really like it.

    A couple of thoughts...

    I second the comment about being careful where setting is concerned.

    Also, I got hung up on this particular line:

    “My mother is so full of it their eyes are brown.”
    The word "their" seems out of place. Perhaps, "Our mothers are so full of it, their eyes are brown" or "My mother is so full of it, her eyes are brown".

    It's a small thing but I wanted to point it out. Otherwise, I think you write really well and I enjoyed reading it.
    "How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?"
    - Satchel Paige

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