Brandon is currently ripping the bedroom to shreds because he can't find the remote to the TV in there. He blames me. I'm not even entirely sure it's my fault. I stubbed my toe on one of his stupid workboots and bent it back some, so now my toe is bleeding. Great. -_- I've decided I'm staying up do to all the laundry and not sleeping with him tonight because I'm upset he yelled at me. ;_; He cursed me out (something he never does) and I had to leave the room because I was afraid he was going to hit me or something. I can hear him in there watching TV but I have no clue as to whether he found the remote or not. I'm scared to go back in there in case he starts yelling at me again. I honestly can't believe he didn't wake up James with all the screaming he did at me (and me at him...). I hate being yelled at. I get yelled at enough at work without him starting in.
*sigh*This is the second fight we've had today.We had one this morning before I left for work over whether or not he should unload the dishwasher. I had no idea that when I said "I Do", I'd be DOING it all. Before James arrived, I didn't mind so much. But it seems so much harder to keep the house clean now. And I don't seem to have as much time as I did before to keep it clean because I've got to play with him, feed him,bathe him, read him bedtime stories, change endless diapers and keep him from killing himself by chewing on the electrical cords or whatever. I end up doing 99% of the housework. Brandon helps..every once in a great while, but it's not that often and he says it's not his job to do housework. Now see..BJ (before James),that was ok with me. But now it seems like I need more help and he just doesn't want to help. Most of the time I want to hit him (Brandon) because he just sits there and watches ME do everything.
If I could afford it, sometimes I think I'd get a divorce. I am trying my hardest to keep this marriage from going down the tubes by trying to keep Brandon happy,but I'm not sure it's working. I'm so tired all the time now..from the minute I get up in the morning till the time I go to bed. And I'm not sure why. We can't afford to go to the dr right now to find out either. We just don't have the money and I know it's MY fault because I'm the one without a clear career path, the one with the ****ty *** job that doesn't pay crap. And it's my fault. All my fault we are in trouble financially.
Every month (as he reminds me constantly)we are barely keeping our heads above water. We don't buy ANYTHING we don't have to. We don't have ANYTHING..no cable. No DSL. We ate out ONCE in the last three months and that was because I got a $10 gift cert to On the Border and it made our meal only like 15 bucks for the both of us or something. We haven't gone out ALONE in god knows how long. Probably since we saw "13 going on 30" when James was 3 wks old.
It's my fault the remote is lost, I'm sure of it now that I've been thinking about it. Everything in this house is my fault. Everything that goes wrong is almost always my fault. My dad used to say I had the reverse of Midas' touch. Everything I touch turns to **** instead of to gold. Because I'm screwed up. And that's my fault too. If I had been a better kid, maybe mom and dad wouldn't have gotten divorced. If I had been better behaved and better able to keep Liz and Cody in line, maybe Mom and Pete wouldn't have fought so much or yelled at us so much. Maybe..if I'd only been better..if I were thinner and prettier, Brandon would love me more.
I just don't know anymore. I know I'm stupid..really stupid. Which is why the remote is lost. Because I'm a complete moron and I probably was the one who lost it.