help....as simple as that

**Nephythys** · 06-03-2005, 10:40 AM

I'm sensitive.

Reactive.

And I know it.

It's hard to not take things people say as personal. I am very soft on the inside- and in many ways, broken.

Has anyone else battled this? Because it seems to tick off and drive people away- I don't mean to be this way, but after a while you become battle damaged.

I was always easy to pick on. It's like a target that glows.

Now, even when I am not being picked on, or when I am, I turn as prickly and unhappy as possible.

How do you change that? How do you stop yourself from assuming the worst, how do you blow it off?

How do you become a bit insensitive? Learn to take things constructively rather than negatively? How do you learn to throw away the junk jerks throw at you without allowing it to affect you?

Surely I am not the only one- but boy, sometimes I feel like it. I am sick to death of people telling me they can't tell me things because of the way I react.

***TinkPink*** · 06-03-2005, 10:46 AM

I can be sensitive. But I have learned A LOT about not being too sensitive from watching my mother. She is much like you described yourself. VERY sensitive and you feel like you have to walk on eggshells while talking to her.

And try telling her she's too sensitive! She freaks out. You try to tell her not to take things so personally and not be so sensitive and she tells you that she isn't going to change, that's just the way she is and everyone who knows her needs to behave accordingly by not saying things that will upset her.

I adore her, but I just don't know what to do with her. So I guess after all that, in summation- I have no advice. All I know is that I have grown up to be a very co-dependent person because I have spent so much of my life trying to please other people- namely my mother.

**Nephythys** · 06-03-2005, 11:02 AM

I hate it.

I don't know where it started. I WANT to change it. For three reasons- #1- because it hurts me #2- because it affects my relationships with other people. #3- it makes me a target for people who take advantage of sensitive people.

There are times it is worse than others- I am not constantly on edge.

I think I am one step ahead- I know about the problem and I want to change it. That's a start.

**sunnygirl** · 06-03-2005, 11:04 AM

It's taken me many years to become as insensitive as I have. But learning to take things constructively? That was a rough one, until I realized this: Not everyone is going to like you or the things you do. Not everyone will approve of you or the things you do. I stopped trying to please everyone and began trying to please myself instead. Everything just kind of fell into place after that.

I lived under enormous pressure for the first 20 years of my life, until one day, I just threw up my hands and said, "What will make Jennifer happy?" Once I got a handle on that, it was smooth sailing.

There is nothing wrong with having emotions. I am ruled by them. There is also nothing wrong with having expectations of the people around you and being disappointed if they don't meet those expectations. But it's always helpful to take a moment and examine the emotions you're feeling before reacting to them. Ask Yourself: is this a temporary emotional reaction to something that I might feel differently about tomorrow? I had to learn to read my emotions before reacting to them, and since I did that, my relationships have improved dramatically.

***TinkPink*** · 06-03-2005, 11:15 AM

Originally Posted by Nephythys

I hate it.

I don't know where it started. I WANT to change it. For three reasons- #1- because it hurts me #2- because it affects my relationships with other people. #3- it makes me a target for people who take advantage of sensitive people.

There are times it is worse than others- I am not constantly on edge.

I think I am one step ahead- I know about the problem and I want to change it. That's a start.

Well, that is definitely a start. As long as you are aware that you sometimes take things more personally than people intend then you can be open minded about it. And you also know people can be a$$holes.

Originally Posted by sunnygirl

It's taken me many years to become as insensitive as I have. But learning to take things constructively? That was a rough one, until I realized this: Not everyone is going to like you or the things you do. Not everyone will approve of you or the things you do. I stopped trying to please everyone and began trying to please myself instead. Everything just kind of fell into place after that.

I lived under enormous pressure for the first 20 years of my life, until one day, I just threw up my hands and said, "What will make Jennifer happy?" Once I got a handle on that, it was smooth sailing.

Pull out the violin: I have spent so many years of my life trying to make everyone else happy, that I don't even know what I want anymore. I have pretty much royaly screwed up my life by not ever thinking about myself. <heavy sigh> Oh well.

**alphabassetgrrl** · 06-05-2005, 05:42 PM

1- I decided I was never going to be able to please anyone else anyway, so shove off. I'm with sunnygirl, who said she started thinking about what would make *her* happy. That was my senior year of high school; I spent a lot of time trying to be what everybody else seemed to want of me. Didn't work and I wasted a lot of time. I still didn't fit in, I still wasn't liked, people still criticized me, and I apparently had a large dose of self-loathing in there somewhere. So I finally said Hang it all, I will do what I please when I want to do it, and if nobody comes with me, I'll tell you how much fun it was later. I went to movies and restaurants by myself, I went shopping alone. Surprisingly, it worked. Not that I was ever popular, but at least I knew I was making *me* happy.

2- a healthy dose of logic. This person is saying something; is it actually logical? They criticize what I'm wearing- ok, *do* I look bad? Does it matter what they think? I'm happy with what I'm wearing, and it makes me feel good.

I am who I am. If you like me, as I am, you'll stick around. If not, you'll go away. It's a screening process of sorts.

How to become insensitive.... what kinds of things set you off?

Differences of opinon are *going* to happen pretty much constantly. We don't need to all be the same.

I think a lot of people are insecure, and if they can get you to jump on their "bandwagon", they feel like they're on the right track. They try to get you to change to their beliefs or their look or whatever. Yes, it's great that you believe "X" but I believe "Y". It's ok to be different.

**HiddenMickey** · 06-05-2005, 05:52 PM

It's natural to take things personal that someone says about you, the trick is to let people be. Everyone is naturally not going to get along with everyone else. This is the beauty of being an individual, having differences. We are all different, we all have opinions and are able to discuss them.

For me, when someone says something I completely disagree with, I just say "Forget it, not worth my time." Why bother letting someone ruffle my feathers. Then I have a glass of Merlot to wash down the bad taste in my mouth left by that person!

And, if you just want to feel great all the time, talk to your doctor about some medication. That really has helps me not give a **** about what anyone says.

**Nephythys** · 06-06-2005, 04:54 AM

Originally Posted by HiddenMickey

It's natural to take things personal that someone says about you, the trick is to let people be. Everyone is naturally not going to get along with everyone else. This is the beauty of being an individual, having differences. We are all different, we all have opinions and are able to discuss them.

For me, when someone says something I completely disagree with, I just say "Forget it, not worth my time." Why bother letting someone ruffle my feathers. Then I have a glass of Merlot to wash down the bad taste in my mouth left by that person!

And, if you just want to feel great all the time, talk to your doctor about some medication. That really has helps me not give a **** about what anyone says.

LOL- that's IT! I need to carry a bottle of pills and merlot!

Perfect!

It seems that the trouble is that people assume what my reaction will be, so they don't say what is on their minds- they know I will get upset, or angry. It baffles me sometimes- I suppose I have given them cause to believe this- yet sometimes the things they think they can't tell me make no sense. Especially in the face of proof otherwise.

**HiddenMickey** · 06-06-2005, 09:06 AM

Originally Posted by Nephythys

LOL- that's IT! I need to carry a bottle of pills and merlot!

Perfect!

Pills and alcohol makes the world a colorful place! Look how much fun Judy Garland had!

***NeverNeverland*** · 06-06-2005, 09:40 AM

Originally Posted by Nephythys

It seems that the trouble is that people assume what my reaction will be, so they don't say what is on their minds- they know I will get upset, or angry. It baffles me sometimes- I suppose I have given them cause to believe this- yet sometimes the things they think they can't tell me make no sense. Especially in the face of proof otherwise.

Then you have to be sure to tell them that - let them know that you're aware of how you might respond but that you want to know anyway.

I feel that way on ocassion with my friends and have let them know that I want to know anyway. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.

but as long as they know that you want to know, well, then it's not your burden anymore if they decide not to tell you. Ditto on them assuming your reaction... you can do your part to try to change that, but, ultimately, it's up to them to change themselves.