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  1. #1

    • Minion
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    I need some advice

    Almost 2 years ago, my parents got a divorce. Since then, there was a peroid of time when my father and I were close. Then he started to change into the person he is today. This same person who committed tax fraud against my brother and I. I decided to sever connection to him in March.

    I want you must understand, when I see this man, all I feel is hate, I want nothing to do with him, but he is constantly trying to "apologise" for what he did. It is unforgivable in my opinion. Yesterday he showed up at my work and chased me to my car trying to "talk" to me. Now I am certain that he went home and complained to my 87 year old grandmother.

    First, how can I get it across that I want nothing to do with him and he needs to leave me be.

    Second, how can I explain this to my grandmother without ruining our relationship. I love her. Her health has been slowly failing, and I want to be there for her. I know that if I refuse a relationship with my father, she with close me off.


  2. #2

    • I'm baaaaccckkk!
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    Re: I need some advice

    This is a tough one for me to give advice on personally, because I am the kind of person who forgives and forgets no matter how heinous the crime (and I KNOW it is to my own detriment, I'm just a push-over)...
    I guess the best thing I can say is, honesty is the best policy... maybe you can sit down with your grandmother and let her know how what your dad did hurt you and how you're not ready to forgive him at this time in you're life, but that you still want a relationship with her...??
    Either way I am sorry you are in this situation and hope it gets resolved...
    <3 Chloe

  3. #3

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    Re: I need some advice

    I believe that a personís character is a personís character, either their good or their bad. Yes, some can change, but itís a set character. It appears as if your father borders on the bad side, considering he did tax fraud on you and your brother. A zebra doesnít just turn into an elephant, and heís most likely not going to change too much either. He is what he is.

    That being said, I believe in forgiving and forgetting in the essence that you can forgive what someone did to you, and thatís done by not ever mentioning it again and moving on. So if you say you forgive you donít bring it up again and again and again. No smearing it in their face each and every time you see that person. Thatís not forgivingÖ.but I donít believe in totally forgetting either. True forgiveness comes from not smearing it in their face each and every time you see them. But you keep your guard up against that person. Be cautious of them.

    So the true question here is: what will you benefit from having a relationship with your father in your life? Is he going to contribute anything to the relationship that youíll benefit from later??? (probable not, hence the reason why you didnít want him in your life back in March) But you do have grandma to consider. Iím assuming itís his mother. If so, sheíll believe that her child is good, so you have two options. You can explain to her that you love her and want to be there for her, etc..but this is between your father and you and has nothing to do with your relationship with her. Or you'll need to make peace with the fact that grandma might cut you off if sheís trying to control the situation by you refusing to have a relationship with your father. If her health is failing, then you might want to just be nice if she doesnít have a long time and can just deal with having a superficial relationship with your dad until her time on Earth is over.

    The real question that only you can answer is: is it worth all the frustration? No one can tell you what to do, since itís your life, and you have to evaluate it as best you can to what fits your life. Sure itís a sucky situation but you have to ultimately be the one to live with the choice you make. Meditate on it, give yourself time to consider all the possibilities (and the whole big picture that Iím sure we didnít get all the info to) and make an adult mature decision and then stay with it.

    Good luck. Life situations like this arenít fun, but part of life and growing up. We all have to go through them (life situations that is) from time to time. Best wishes on your decisions.
    My new motto for 2008 - "If you will live like no one else today, later you can live like no one else." - Dave Ramsey.

  4. #4

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    Re: I need some advice

    I can hold a grudge for a long time so I am going to give you advice that I WISH I could follow:

    Forgive him. That doesn't mean you have to see him all the time. Do it for yourself, not him. It will be a big load off of your shoulders.

    My father suffers from major depression and hasn't been what I would call a "good" father since I was about 9 years old. Even though he doesn't always show it, I know he still loves me, as I know your father still loves you. I'm sorry for what you're going through.

  5. #5

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    Re: I need some advice

    If he has sincerely asked you for forgiveness , then I think you need to try to forgive him, if not for him, at least for your grandma...and definitely for yourself because carrying a grudge like that would be terrible for you and your mental and physical well being.

    It will take time , but you can do it. If you don't know how, then try talking to someone who can teach you how. I wish you the best!

  6. #6

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    Re: I need some advice

    Is he sorry for what he did? Or does he think it's ok?

    The above advice about talking to your grandmother makes sense. Hopefully she will understand, but she's quite likely to be codependent. My hub's grandmother is like that with her ... nonfunctional son. Doesn't believe he did the things he did. Doesn't believe he will do it again. Thinks he just needs a chance.

    It's hard. I've basically cut out my in-laws as a group. I'm ok with any member individually, but not as a group. I didn't say anything to them, just to my hub, and he knows how they are and why I don't want to be around them. Their family dynamic is not something I find pleasant or helpful, so I just avoid them. I'm lucky, because we live quite far away from them and it's understandable that we don't come to family events, because it's expensive to travel. So we've framed my family avoidance as a non-issue.

    You will probably have to deal with your dad directly in some fashion. It's not really good form for him to chase you down while you're running to your car, but then again maybe if you talk to him he'd get it, or you could understand why he did things, and maybe he's truly sorry for the past.

    Good luck. I hope for a good solution where you can have a peaceful life and a continuing relationship with your grandmother.
    I pledge allegiance to the Earth, one planet, many gods, and to the universe in which she spins.

  7. #7

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    Re: I need some advice

    Forgiveness is overrated. Sometimes you have to accept people for what they are, and decide if you can tolerate them as they are. If not, you are under no obligation to pursue any kind of a relationship[. Cut off all ties and walk away. You'll be amazed at how easy it is.
    Looking for the truth about giraffes? http://www.menacinggiraffes.blogspot.com/

  8. #8

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    Re: I need some advice

    Quote Originally Posted by sunnygirl View Post
    Forgiveness is overrated. Sometimes you have to accept people for what they are, and decide if you can tolerate them as they are. If not, you are under no obligation to pursue any kind of a relationship[. Cut off all ties and walk away. You'll be amazed at how easy it is.



    I agree. He did a big thing that hurt you. Now he wants your forgiveness, there is no telling if he may cause frustration in your life again. I think you need to go with your gut feeling, and what you feel would be best for you. Hope all goes well with whatever decision you make.
    Har har har

  9. #9

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    Re: I need some advice

    I say forgive him but don't forget that you should keep your distance.
    "Keep your friends close and your enemies even closer"

    Quote Originally Posted by krystledm View Post
    Almost 2 years ago, my parents got a divorce. Since then, there was a peroid of time when my father and I were close. Then he started to change into the person he is today. This same person who committed tax fraud against my brother and I. I decided to sever connection to him in March.

    I want you must understand, when I see this man, all I feel is hate, I want nothing to do with him, but he is constantly trying to "apologise" for what he did. It is unforgivable in my opinion. Yesterday he showed up at my work and chased me to my car trying to "talk" to me. Now I am certain that he went home and complained to my 87 year old grandmother.

    First, how can I get it across that I want nothing to do with him and he needs to leave me be.

    Second, how can I explain this to my grandmother without ruining our relationship. I love her. Her health has been slowly failing, and I want to be there for her. I know that if I refuse a relationship with my father, she with close me off.
    "Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined." -Henry David Thoreau


  10. #10

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    Re: I need some advice

    I have been talking about "family" alot lately. I don't have any contact with any of mine. Both my parents are gone, so I only have my brothers and sister, and I don't have any cousins, aunts or uncles.

    My best friend said to me, after being hurt so many times by my sister, "who says you have to be nice to them just because they're family? Likes to short to be nice JUST because they're family and you think you have to"
    if your OK with him not in your life, then I say sever all ties with him and look after yourself. He is supposed to look after YOU and provide for YOU... he obviously doesn't put you ahead of himself


    Originally Posted by Disney Wrassler
    Tassie, I found a quote for ya !

    "Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia."

    Charles M. Schulz
    Originally Posted by MWalton
    Did the pages take that long to reach around to your part of the world?!?

  11. #11

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    Re: I need some advice

    thanks for the advice ladies

    i forgot to mention, however, that i forgave him a long time ago, what he did is not the issue, it's what he is doing. Showing up at my work was not only embarrassing, but also trespassing as i work at a school. he showed up at my other work yesterday with my sick grandma so she could guilt me into being nice.

    just had to add that.


  12. #12

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    Re: I need some advice

    THAT is crossing the line. Esp. if he knows you've forgiven him. For him to push himself on you, and in a VERY public place no less, is UNacceptable. I can't even imagine. I would make it clear to your co-workers that he is not welcome in the bldg. again and should he show up, he should be detained. What your father is trying to do is very manipulative and so wrong. He's obviously still got a few lessons to learn before you should consider letting him back into your life. Granma or not.
    Just countin' the days til the next visit!

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