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  1. #1

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    I need your help. I am having boyfriend problems - need to know what guys think...

    Hey everyone!

    I know this is a place for guys, but...I need boyfriend help! I just don't know what is going through his mind and I need to see what guys say about it.

    My boyfriend and I had been dating for 11 months. I am 20 and he is 25. About a month ago, we got in a very stupid fight. It started with a fight over dinner and then it just grew (as fights normally do). We didn't talk for two days after and I mistakenly went to a guy friend over it (I know that was a huge mistake). My boyfriend found out, got angry, and broke up with me. He said that it was because I was too dramatic, and that he had already not asked me to talk to this guy.

    I gave it a few days, sent him an email apologizing to him and asked him to talk. He agreed to talk, but it had to be the next weekend because of school. Throughout that week, he continued to text me and even sent me a few picture messages. However, when the weekend came, he told me he didn't want to come down because he was 'too confused' and 'couldn't handle face-to-face' contact. A few days later he started texting me again, but I asked him to stop because I was still angry and confused.

    The thing that is confusing me the most is the morning we got into this fight he told me 'that i love you and you love me and i am not going anywhere anytime soon' and throughout the break up he kept repeating that he loved me a lot and wished that this wasn't the solution.

    We now haven't talked in about 2 weeks. I don't know what to do. It might be best that we have a few weeks of space, just so we can cool down and live our lives, but at the same time, I don't want it to be tooo much space, and I don't want it to be forever. I really love this guy, and really, really miss him and want him back, but at the same time, I've tried. I've reached out and he's just given me back mixed signals. What should I do next? Move on? Or fight for him? And, if I am supposed to fight for him, how do I do that now?

    Thank you for your help!
    Last edited by PeterPansWendy; 02-16-2011 at 08:05 PM.
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  2. #2

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    Re: I need your help. I am having boyfriend problems - need to know what guys think..

    I'm probably not the person to be giving any advice. I have had many relationships, and am married for over 33 years. What works for me - may not work for you or your boyfriend.

    Too many generalities in your post, and not enough information. I don't know what kind of relationship you had prior to the fight (some couples thrive on fighting) or what either of your preferences are regarding a mate. The one thing I do know is that it takes work to make a relationship last.

    Based on what you posted, I have to ask - do you think this guy is the one you see yourself spending your life with, or is he the one you will spend whatever time with while you both learn and grow? Since you mentioned moving on - do you have other prospects out there? How much time and effort do you want to spend to get him back, and then to keep him?

    If you have other options but would still prefer this guy, then adult up... Let him know how you feel about him, why you are sorry about the fight, why you are confused about his odd communication and what his feelings really are. Ask him directly if he wants to continue the relationship or not (no ultimatums - those never work) because if he does, then you need to know what his expectations are. Two things to remember - guys seldom like to talk about their problems, and don't take hints or inferences well. They like direct factual and short communication when it comes to personal issues. There is no relationship problem that cannot be simplified or clarified so that a typical guy won't tell you what he thinks.

    Relationship issues are usually frothing over with emotion, and that is an inhibition to good communication. Stick to facts, and don't mistake a belief or opinion for a fact. If it is a belief or opinion - state so clearly. ( I think - I feel) Avoid use of absolutes as there are few of them in real life, let alone a relationship. (you always, you never, I always, I never)

    Decide how you feel about this guy and move forward or move on.







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  3. #3

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    Re: I need your help. I am having boyfriend problems - need to know what guys think..

    Also... how old are the both of you? Age would make a huge difference on how things can be handled maturely.


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  4. #4

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    Re: I need your help. I am having boyfriend problems - need to know what guys think..

    All people have their boundaries in relationship. You MUST know what is bendable and what can not be broken. If he was clear that this other guy was off limits and you went to him anyways, I see why he's so angry ESPECIALLY if he made that clear.

    Here's the good news: At the early stages of a relationship, it's when you learn how each other tick. If he was clear asking you to stay away, you broke a huge rule and he probably shouldn't go back to you if he's unable to forgive.

    Here's the bad news: If he didn't make things clear and has random fits of rage and gives up this early, you may want to let him go. The fact is you both effed up but if you two are meant to be someone has to make the first move. I say send him a note and be honest, if he can't forgive you after this amount of time moving on is the best thing.......for both of you. Making all these changes after you get married or have kids is a hell of a lot more difficult.

  5. #5

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    Re: I need your help. I am having boyfriend problems - need to know what guys think..

    Wow. Thanks for all your answers. I knew this would be a good place to go - experienced people who have unbiased views (unlike my friends and parents). This is definitely what I needed - thank you!

    Quote Originally Posted by Coheteboy View Post
    Also... how old are the both of you? Age would make a huge difference on how things can be handled maturely.
    Sorry for not making this clear. I edited my post. He is 25 and I am 20. I am in my sophomore year of college and he is starting his junior year of college (actually just started at a new college a few days after we broke up...which probably was a factor)

    Quote Originally Posted by Sambo View Post
    Too many generalities in your post, and not enough information. I don't know what kind of relationship you had prior to the fight (some couples thrive on fighting) or what either of your preferences are regarding a mate.
    I know that I probably can't sit here and tell you what are our ideal preferences in a mate are, as I don't know every single one of them for either of us, so I do agree with you on that. However, before this fight, we had a really good relationship, in my opinion. I would have to say we were really, really happy. We had a small issue back in November where the topic of breaking up came up, but he ended up driving to my college dorm at 2am and essentially 'forcing' me to talk (I just didn't want to, and by him coming down, I changed my mind when I actually saw him). That would be the only major thing that has happened.

    Granted, I do feel bad, as I probably haven't treated him the best. Recently (meaning the past month or so), I got angry over him about stupid stuff. There was one night where we were at a restaurant and I asked him to order something and got up to go to the bathroom, and then came back and he had ordered it wrong and I got angry for a few hours. But, at the same time, (and I know this sounds like a flippant girl excuse) I am a girl. It happens - we get angry over stupid stuff. I've discussed this with my counselor and she even agreed that that is a tactic that girls often employ when trying to get attention from someone.

    However, this wasn't a constant in our relationship. We actually rarely fought before this/never really got angry at one another. It really only came up in the past month. In fact, the fight we got in was the biggest so far - we had never raised our voices at each other until now.

    However, I understand that if I got another chance, this would have to change. I would have to make sure I didn't get angry so easily, while at the same time discussing with him that the anger usually was nothing towards him and was just me being frustrated and that it will happen sometimes.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sambo View Post
    Based on what you posted, I have to ask - do you think this guy is the one you see yourself spending your life with, or is he the one you will spend whatever time with while you both learn and grow? Since you mentioned moving on - do you have other prospects out there? How much time and effort do you want to spend to get him back, and then to keep him?
    I have absolutely no prospects out there. He, however, thought that the other guy had interest in me (which is not, and was not ever, true. Since this has happened, I actually got a chance to set this guy up with a friend of mine. I never viewed him as a threat to our relationship), and had therefore asked me to not talk to him. I didn't do so, only because, as I said, I knew he wasn't an issue (both because I was not interested in him and he was not interested in me. My boyfriend thought he was because he had something inappropriate once) and more than once tried to explain this to my boyfriend.

    I do not want anyone other than him. When this guy and I met about a year ago, we went on our first date the next day. I've always thought he was the one for me - we had a strong initial attraction and have been almost inseparable since day one. If we weren't together we were constantly texting or on the phone. That's why this is so hard for me - this is my best friend and the man I love with everything I have. I want him back so bad. He's not just a relationship that ends and in a month I'm OK. It's been almost a month, and I'm still hurting, badly.

    I will put as much effort needed to get him back and maintain him. I've always known that I loved him, and I will do what I can to regain his trust and get him back. I always, always, always thought that this man would be with me forever. We talked often of our future kids, and even had casually looked at rings and apartments once or twice.

    The reason I said to move on was because I thought it might be best for my sanity - as I obviously wasn't getting any response from him. It might be the best way to preserve my 'heart' from here on out.

    Where do I go from here? We haven't talked in about 2 weeks. Is it a bad sign that he hasn't contacted me in two weeks? He said nothing on Valentine's day. He obviously doesn't want to speak to me. Is that a deal breaker in the fact that I can get him back? I don't want to push him away or appear needy. In fact, I've tried very hard since this break-up to go out and really push myself at my college, so that I don't appear needy - I'm always out with new friends and working on shows for my theatre major.

    I sent him an email a while back explaining all of this and telling him that I loved him. So, he knows all this - whether it's at the front of his mind or not. Maybe now it's time to try and get him to see me somehow?

    I really don't want this to be the end. Do I have any chance? (Sorry about the long post - trying to get more specified advice! I really appreciate anyone who is reading all of this)

    Thank you everyone for your really, really great help.
    Last edited by PeterPansWendy; 02-16-2011 at 07:52 PM.
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  6. #6

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    Re: I need your help. I am having boyfriend problems - need to know what guys think..

    While 5 years difference isn't much, if you're still in college, it makes heaps of difference. This may not be the answer you want but I think it best to leave it alone. Men, if bugged, will tend to resist even more. You need to just move on with your life and if he really cares, he will come around. I know it's a hard way to take it but you are 20. Whatever comes of this, just know that you will date many more men after him. Even if it doesn't seem like anyone is better suited for you right now, take it as fact.


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  7. #7

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    Re: I need your help. I am having boyfriend problems - need to know what guys think..

    There's a fine line between giving him space, and him thinking you don't care.

    The jealousy thing sounds worrisome. Is he always going to get upset over your male friends? If he does, can you deal with that?

    I hope things work out for you. I think the people above have given good advice.
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  8. #8

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    Re: I need your help. I am having boyfriend problems - need to know what guys think..

    Quote Originally Posted by alphabassetgrrl View Post
    There's a fine line between giving him space, and him thinking you don't care.

    The jealousy thing sounds worrisome. Is he always going to get upset over your male friends? If he does, can you deal with that?

    I hope things work out for you. I think the people above have given good advice.
    Well, what do you mean by that? Should I try and talk to him? How do I do that without being pushy?

    Thanks
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  9. #9

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    Re: I need your help. I am having boyfriend problems - need to know what guys think..

    I'd say don't wait too long to talk to him. At some point he's going to think you've lost interest. What does he say when you say you want to talk this through?

    I think it's ok to say you'd like to talk. Needy/pushy is calling every hour.
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  10. #10

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    Re: I need your help. I am having boyfriend problems - need to know what guys think..

    Hi PeterPansWendy, I am just getting around to reading about your saga. I'll need time to think things through before being able to provide better comments.

    Looking back I've had many situations where I should have fought harder for girls but also ones where I put too many eggs in their basket and lost out on ones that in hindsight might have been better for me. It's always a tough call.

    Especially in college, things can change so rapidly between people. I know this isn't what you really want to hear but it seems as if yr bf has moved on.

    Don't be too hard in yourself in the meantime. You are hardly the only one to ever think that there aren't other prospects. I'll chime in again a bit later.

  11. #11

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    Re: I need your help. I am having boyfriend problems - need to know what guys think..

    Hi again!

    I'm a bit curious what your friends and family are saying about the situation? You said that they were biased but at the same time I wouldn't completely discount what they're telling you.

    Quote Originally Posted by PeterPansWendy View Post

    The thing that is confusing me the most is the morning we got into this fight he told me 'that i love you and you love me and i am not going anywhere anytime soon' and throughout the break up he kept repeating that he loved me a lot and wished that this wasn't the solution.
    Sometimes in super dramatic, super serious situations like that, people will make such strong statements as a way of trying to get the situation under their control. I'm not sure if that's what is going on in your situation. He could have been truly sincere. Or else some bit of sincerity mixed with the pressure of the situation.

    You seem to really care about this guy and would love to have a future with him. I don't know if this will happen for you but sometimes time away from one another can actually strengthen couples. He may come to realize that he does not want to lose you after all...Maybe he just needs time to process things and think about where you two have been and where you are going.

    Maybe ask yourself if at this point, if you just gave up, would you regret it for the rest of your life?

    Good luck and I wish you two the best!

  12. #12

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    Re: I need your help. I am having boyfriend problems - need to know what guys think..

    Hi peterpanswendy,

    I can mostly relate to what Sambo stated. I too, have been married for a long time and I am far removed from the dating scene. But what I can say is this. Go easy on yourself. Remember, dating is just that, dating. You and your boyfriend will make mistakes. It is a part of life, even in marriage.

    Next, do not discount your friends and parents advice. They know you better than I do (I don't know you at all!) and believe or not, they really have your back. They probably said some things you already know but don't want to face. Again, pull back, and look for the truth in their advice.

    Boys at 25 are at the verge of manhood. The days of free wheeling fun are ending and we start to realize its time to get serious about life. During our free wheeling years, we can be fun, adventurous and women find this irresistable. Women are attracted to our "Swashbuckling Years". You mentioned your boyfriend changed colleges......this is huge. This tells me he is getting serious about life. This will include a seriousness about relationships.

    Not knowing your personally, meeting your boyfriend, seeing you guys face to face makes it hard for me to pass judgement on either of you. You are young...........yes, I know you get tired of hearing that but it is true!! I have been married for 27 years and I remember being 25 and how I thought I knew enough to handle all that life would throw at me. I didn't!!! I was a young 25 year old man who had a lot more of life ahead of me than I do now, so that is just the facts of life.

    There is a wonderful book (oh boy here goes the "you should read this book suggestion") by a man by the name of Steve Harvey. Its called "Straight Talk, No Chaser". You simply have to get this book!

    We men are very simple. It is the way we are. We cannot change from our nature, but understanding our nature and the different stages we men go through will only help you in ALL your male relationships. You have nothing to lose by reading this book.

    And finally I will leave you with this. If a man really loves you and is ready for marriage (not living together or "hooking up") you will have no doubts in your mind. A man will make it very clear that he is ready to settle down with you. I promise you, you won't have to wonder or even think "Does he love me?"

  13. #13

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    Re: I need your help. I am having boyfriend problems - need to know what guys think..

    Just let it cool down, I've had breakups that lasted months, the distance breeds clarity, dont do things to aggravate eachother, a relationship should never be based on constant arguing, contrary to popular belief, sometimes you have to let fate do its job.

    You shouldn't have gone to the guy friend he told you not to see, for us men that is a direct challenge to our Ego's. i have a feeling you did it just to make him mad, I could be wrong,

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