Ask Stephen Colbert a Question

[Tui]

Oh, hello MiceChat. I didn't see you there. I was busy reading my book I Am America (And So Can You!), available at fine retailers everywhere. I don't think Tui will mind, but I've decided to use his account to reach out to you, the heroes, on MiceChat.

I'll be hanging around and ready to answer any questions you may have for me. Go ahead, shoot. Nothing is off limits!

[sunnygirl]

Mr. Colbert, what, exactly, do you have against bears?

[Tui]

Mr. Colbert, what, exactly, do you have against bears?

As I have said, many times, on my show...bears are godless killing machines. Personally, I don't care for anything that is godless, never have. Killing I believe is only necessary if you are hunting, or in self defense (however if you are defending yourself while hunting I'd think about cutting off contact with your hunting buddies). And I've never trusted machines. In fact, I'm not actually typing this. I am having one of my interns type it while I'm yelling from the bathroom. Thanks Andy!

I hope that answers your question.

[sunnygirl]

As I have said, many times, on my show...bears are godless killing machines. Personally, I don't care for anything that is godless, never have. Killing I believe is only necessary if you are hunting, or in self defense (however if you are defending yourself while hunting I'd think about cutting off contact with your hunting buddies). And I've never trusted machines. In fact, I'm not actually typing this. I am having one of my interns type it while I'm yelling from the bathroom. Thanks Andy!

I hope that answers your question.

Mr. Colbert, I was wondering...If you are so anti-bear, why is the last syllable of your name pronounced "bear"? Are you secretly funding some kind of bear-related activity in America?

[Tui]

Mr. Colbert, I was wondering...If you are so anti-bear, why is the last syllable of your name pronounced "bear"? Are you secretly funding some kind of bear-related activity in America?

Very simple answer. If I were to change the pronunciation of my name...the bears will have truly won.

[sunnygirl]

Very simple answer. If I were to change the pronunciation of my name...the bears will have truly won.

[aimster]

Dear Stephen,

Why do cats like boxes? And shoes?


-The Itteh Bitteh Kitteh Comitteh

[Tui]

Dear Stephen,

Why do cats like boxes? And shoes?


-The Itteh Bitteh Kitteh Comitteh

Cats are lazy creatures. They want people to work for them whether it be feeding them or changing their litter.

And you know who else is lazy? Bums. That's right. Cats are the bums of the Animal Kingdom and regardless of species, bums are attracted to boxes and shoes. We should just consider ourselves lucky there isn't Cat Welfare or a Cat soup kitchen. They have to learn the hard way, especially in this economy.

Next question.

[disneytim]

I need help building a cinder block wall. Can you give me any advice?

[Tui]

I need help building a cinder block wall. Can you give me any advice?

As a matter of fact I can! As you may know, cinder blocks typically sell for around $1.75 a block. Well, I just so happen to have leftovers from when I built my panic room back in 2002. They are yours for a buck each. I don't want to know what you're building, but have your people contact my people.

[sgtpeper]

Mr. Colbert

2nd Sgt. Peper of The Beatles Nation, Elenor Rigby Division. With recent threats by various terrorist groups, including Al-Oasis, The Black Hand of Heather Mills, and Yoko Ono, against The Beatles Nation, and with the breakdown of peace talks with the KISS army. What are your thoughts on the massive troop deployment to Liverpool and are you willing to publicly support a Beatles military strike against known musical terrorist training camps such as American Idol, Karaoke Bars and Yoko Ono?
Thanks for taking the time.
Yours in Christ,
Sgtpeper

[Tui]

Mr. Colbert

2nd Sgt. Peper of The Beatles Nation, Elenor Rigby Division. With recent threats by various terrorist groups, including Al-Oasis, The Black Hand of Heather Mills, and Yoko Ono, against The Beatles Nation, and with the breakdown of peace talks with the KISS army. What are your thoughts on the massive troop deployment to Liverpool and are you willing to publicly support a Beatles military strike against known musical terrorist training camps such as American Idol, Karaoke Bars and Yoko Ono?
Thanks for taking the time.
Yours in Christ,
Sgtpeper

Right, let's get down to brass tacks on this one.

Oasis: Today is gonna be the day that I'm not gonna give my money to you.

Heather Mills: Doesn't have a leg to stand on, if you ask me.

Yoko Ono: The last name says it all.

KISS: Try giving out hugs. It works.

Beatles: Liverpudlian flash in the pan.

American Idol: Any musical guest I have on my show will automatically outshine anyone from that show, thanks to the Colbert Bump.

Karoke Bars: I'm waiting for the end of time, to hurry up and arrive. Because if I have spend another minute with you, I don't think that I could really survive.

I hope that clears things up for you.

[pveticket]

Do you believe in Social Darwinism?

[Aladdin]

S. C.

So, if having a 2nd name registered on MiceChat is a sock puppet, would you using someone elses name, make you sock turned inside out?


Oh, and since you are anti bear, what's your position on Grizzly Peak in DCA? Country Bear Jamboree? Winnie the Pooh? Brer Bear? Humphrey the Bear? Brother Bear, the movies, Kenai - the man turned bear?

[Tui]

Do you believe in Social Darwinism?

I don't trust Darwin. Look at evolution. It's an affront to God and if you believe it, you'll be taking the elevator down town.

If you ask me, Darwin only came up with evolution because he went to the Galapagos Islands during spring break, got smashed, woke up next to a monkey and needed a theory to make it all OK.