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  1. #1

    • white and nerdy
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    The Thejoshualee rant (a Parody)

    Sorry, I just gotta rant

    Issue 1: There are so many blacks and other people of color in the parks. When did this fascination begin? I used to nod knowingly at my fellow pale males during the more racially funny parts of attractions such as the Jungle Cruise, but now those days are gone.

    Issue 2: Them characters are H-O-T hot! They are so damned hot that I can’t hardly handle myself.

    Issue 3: The Tiki room looks okay, but some of those totems keep rolling their eyes at me. After the show my five year old rolled his eyes at me mimicking the totems. Please! If Disney can’t make characters that are okay for my five year old to mimic, then don’t make characters at all!

    Issue 4: I don’t really enjoy standing in line. They should do something about that

    Issue 6: November 1963 "Face-To-Face With...The Lizard!" Valued at $2,700 (Near Mint)

    Issue 7: There is so much sex in Disneyland! Just about every attraction has to do with sex. Like Pirates of the Caribbean. Why are those women being sold? So the pirates can have sex with them! Why are the pirates chasing the women? So they can eat their food before they have sex with them! It’s not just that either. The overt sexual nature in rides such as Thunder Mountain, Star Tours, and The Mark Twain is as offensive as it is imaginable. I can’t go there with out thinking about sex the whole time.

    Issue 8: I like Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride. That frog got what was coming to him.

    Issue 9: What’s with all the non-Mickey characters? I saw Chip, Dale, Minnie, Max, Rafiki, Aladdin, Goofy, Donald, The Abominable Snowman, Some Robot Guy, and a host of others, but only saw Mickey once! If Disney wants to keep me happy they need to make sure all the characters and rides are only based of off the mouse that started it all.

    Issue 10: I couldn’t help but notice that everything is freshly painted and the grass and flowers are all nicely trimmed. I wish they would just leave the place alone so it is just as I remember it from my childhood of 1985.

    Issue 11: Those poor kids in Small World, you know the three playing musical instruments? They grow up to be pirates. That’s not good.

    Issue 12: The Oedipus logical connotations of shooting Buzz Lightyear’s Father with a phallic-symbol gun is appreciated, yet inappropriate to the attraction’s main customer focus. And I can’t get past level 3.

    Issue 13: Those Dancers in the parade are so freakin’ HOT!!! To borrow a chestnut from my Hebrew brothers, Oi Vey! Trust me. I am SO not a Homosexual Gay. I like the women. And the occasional effeminate man, but not in THAT way. Well, I like the GIRLS in that way… You know what I mean. Go Strait Boys!! Woo Freakin’ Hoo!

    Issue 14: The rumor that the Mormons are buying Disneyland troubles me. Sure, they can handle a rapidly growing church with membership in the ten millions, but I don’t know if they have that special “Magic” that Disney needs, plus, they have been known to occasionally renovate a building. That‘s not the absurd focus on the past that I want with Disneyland. The Scientologists could make a good owner, but them folks can be just weird. Perhaps the Baptists could buy Disneyland. They would at least put an end to the effeminate dancing.

    Issue 15: I really liked that bench in Critter Country that is in front of a tree. More of Disneyland should be like that.

    Remember: Parody is a high form of compliment
    St. Elizabeth, Patron Saint of Themed parks. Protect us from break downs, long lines, and used gum. Amen.

    "Dance like it hurts, love like you need money, and work when people are watching" - Dogbert





  2. #2

    • Parmageddon Jim
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    Re: The Thejoshualee rant

    Everything about your issue 4 is offensive! Lines, indeed. Why don't you go ask your questions of some of your "standing around in disorganized clumps" friends, if you have any, and see if they ever get anywhere.

    Try the chicken at the Plaza Inn. Ask them to leave off the breading.

    (flame away, I'm fireproof)

    So full of Disney Magic, my eyes are blue.

  3. #3

    • white and nerdy
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    Re: The Thejoshualee rant

    Quote Originally Posted by Gn2Dlnd
    Everything about your issue 4 is offensive! Lines, indeed. Why don't you go ask your questions of some of your "standing around in disorganized clumps" friends, if you have any, and see if they ever get anywhere.

    Try the chicken at the Plaza Inn. Ask them to leave off the breading.

    (flame away, I'm fireproof)

    While I respect you differencing your opinions from those of my own I must humbbly point out that I don't breed with chickens. This is just further examples of how sex is ruining disneyland.
    St. Elizabeth, Patron Saint of Themed parks. Protect us from break downs, long lines, and used gum. Amen.

    "Dance like it hurts, love like you need money, and work when people are watching" - Dogbert





  4. #4

    • Former Disney Cast Member
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    Re: The Thejoshualee rant

    hahahaha. This is the best response yet to that "other" rant

  5. #5

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    Re: The Thejoshualee rant

    Quote Originally Posted by thejoshualee
    Issue 7: There is so much sex in Disneyland! Just about every attraction has to do with sex. Like Pirates of the Caribbean. Why are those women being sold? So the pirates can have sex with them! Why are the pirates chasing the women? So they can eat their food before they have sex with them! It’s not just that either. The overt sexual nature in rides such as Thunder Mountain, Star Tours, and The Mark Twain is as offensive as it is imaginable. I can’t go there with out thinking about sex the whole time.

    Issue 12: The Oedipus logical connotations of shooting Buzz Lightyear’s Father with a phallic-symbol gun is appreciated, yet inappropriate to the attraction’s main customer focus. And I can’t get past level 3.

    Issue 13: Those Dancers in the parade are so freakin’ HOT!!! To borrow a chestnut from my Hebrew brothers, Oi Vey! Trust me. I am SO not a Homosexual Gay. I like the women. And the occasional effeminate man, but not in THAT way. Well, I like the GIRLS in that way… You know what I mean. Go Strait Boys!! Woo Freakin’ Hoo!

    Hee hee. I KNEW that the pirates weren't after the food! It's all about sex!! And the FAT one is chasing the pirate because she wants...SEX!! er...I mean FOOD! I agree! Let's shut it down!

    As for male dancers in parades...who wants to see these guys bow and courtsey? We want to see Prince Charming break a chair on Captain Hooks head! We want the Beast to show Peter Pan how to FLY...LITERALLY!!! Now THAT'S frickin ENTERTAINMENT!!

    (So far my alliance has....one member. Whooo hoooo!)

  6. #6

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    Re: The Thejoshualee rant

    Quote Originally Posted by thejoshualee
    Issue 8: I like Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride. That frog got what was coming to him.
    You obviously haven't riden with a child. You have to explain hell to them, and then enter a discussion as to whether or not toads have souls. Disney is ruining . . well, I don't know what is is they are ruining, but they are.
    "What single word is the name of a magazine, a cereal, a board game, and a never-ending series of soul-crushing disappointments which slowly leech away your hope and idealism until you are nothing more than a bitter husk of a man?"

  7. #7

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    Re: The Thejoshualee rant

    Quote Originally Posted by Crazybirdman
    You obviously haven't riden with a child. You have to explain hell to them, and then enter a discussion as to whether or not toads have souls. Disney is ruining . . well, I don't know what is is they are ruining, but they are.
    Hey, at least that's one thing that the baptists won't change if they buy Disneyland... they love those hell-house type of attractions! I mean, what better way to minister than to show Mr. Toad living a life of carefree sin -- characterized by the horseless carriage -- and showing where he will end up if he doesn't change his life! Mr. Toad will be one of the few things to go unchanged....

    It's just, well... the missionaries will start over-crowding the Jungle Cruise a bit too much. Not to mention that the mansion will be rather lonely with everything exorcised.
    -Tim

  8. #8

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    Re: The Thejoshualee rant

    There really needs to be a warning about posts like this. I almost spewed coffee all over my keyboard. Maybe a disclaimer about excessive laughter may cause keyboard damage or something.

    The replies didn't help either.

    Very funny, very funny, still laughing. But now I need a new keybaord.

    BTW: I do agree, that bench in Critter Country, it is priceless, just priceless. Maybe they should have a Fastpass for so on crowded days it doesn't take so long to get to use it.

    CU@DL

    Andy

  9. #9

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    Re: The Thejoshualee rant

    You forgot to tell us what color your state is and whether or not you are wearing pants (I assume you are not)
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  10. #10

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    Re: The Thejoshualee rant

    Pants? thejoshualee doesn't need no stinkin' pants.

  11. #11

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    Re: The Thejoshualee rant

    Quote Originally Posted by jurgenb52
    Pants? thejoshualee doesn't need no stinkin' pants.
    Why do the pants stink? EEEEWWWWWW.
    You can think I'm wrong, but that's no reason to quit thinking.



  12. #12

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    Re: The Thejoshualee rant (a Parody)

    Quote Originally Posted by thejoshualee
    Issue 11: Those poor kids in Small World, you know the three playing musical instruments? They grow up to be pirates.

    Quote Originally Posted by Senator David Wu (D-OR)
    Don't let faux-klingons send real Americans to war!

    Quote Originally Posted by TheHousingBubbleBlog
    Everyone says that the U.S. doesn’t make anything anymore, but that’s not exactly true. We’re the world leader in the manufacturing of bull****.

  13. #13

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    Re: The Thejoshualee rant (a Parody)

    While your parody is of a thread appearing in the Disneyland forum, it is a humorous work and thus is more suited to the lounge than to a forum meant for discussion of Disneyland and its attractions. To quote the forum explanation: “Trip Reports, News, and Questions” about Disneyland. Thank you for your understanding.
    I will save the princess, though I do not know the way.

  14. #14

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    Re: The Thejoshualee rant (a Parody)

    Issue 12: The Oedipus logical connotations of shooting Buzz Lightyear’s Father with a phallic-symbol gun is appreciated, yet inappropriate to the attraction’s main customer focus. And I can’t get past level 3.
    !! That is awsome.

    I think you forgot about the good old days of circle-vision where we Americans to to see how "Beautiful" our country was and how everyone else's sucks. They promote to much world peace now.
    God I miss those Grey Submarines.

  15. #15

    • Earth Intruder
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    Re: The Thejoshualee rant (a Parody)

    Quote Originally Posted by thejoshualee
    The overt sexual nature in rides such as Thunder Mountain, Star Tours, and The Mark Twain is as offensive as it is imaginable. I can’t go there with out thinking about sex the whole time.
    LOL the Mark Twain??? Must be something about getting paddled over and over and over.

    And Rex in the Cockpit.... HAWT!


    Quote Originally Posted by thejoshualee
    Issue 10: I couldn’t help but notice that everything is freshly painted and the grass and flowers are all nicely trimmed. I wish they would just leave the place alone so it is just as I remember it from my childhood of 1985.
    This one had me laughing the hardest!!! Gotta love all those other boards, who shall remain nameless but were getting free crap from Disney so everything Disney did was wonderful and beautiful and magical. Even decay can be *magic*!!!

    Quote Originally Posted by thejoshualee

    Issue 12: The Oedipus logical connotations of shooting Buzz Lightyear’s Father with a phallic-symbol gun is appreciated, yet inappropriate to the attraction’s main customer focus. And I can’t get past level 3.
    Haha I can't get past level 5! Also you forgot to note how squeezing a phallic gun repeatedly gives kids dirty thoughts about their own phallic guns. Every sperm is sacred!
    I am grateful... grapefruit! ~ Bjork (upon winning Best International Female Artist at the BRIT Awards)



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