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  1. #1

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    Lightbulb Need Family advice asap!!!

    I am actually writing this on behalf of my stepmother...

    My dad and step mom have a kid who is 17 (today actually), while i have never seen it (probably because I don't have any type of relationship with him probably because we are 16 years apart), from what I am told he is a handful...meaning he skips school, does drugs, leaves for days at a time w/o any or very little contact. They have tried everything, counselors, therapy, they do drug testing and other stuff. he has taken the car on several occasions, hangs out w/ the wrong crowd. They put him in a special school earlier this year which seems to be doing nothing. today they called the police and they said they can't do anything (like arresting him) unless she gives up some type of rights, which she thinks is too cruel. They have lookd into those outward bound type programs but they cost about 23,000 for 6 weeks. there was some other program that was only 30 days, but i told her that was not enough time. then there is the program where they come in the middle of the night and take you away but he is never home. I mentioned that they should put him in the military in the future and maybe that would get his act together. I am writing this to everyone here for suggestions of what you might do or if you know of anyplace where they can send him...any help or suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
    http://www.youtube.com/user/awinner



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  2. #2

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    Re: Need Family advice asap!!!

    You are right about one thing, 30 days will not be enough for this kid. Its to bad the longer programs are so expensive, because thats the least that its going to take to straighen this kid out. By most accounts now they say the human brain is not really fully mature till around 25, but seriously, at 17 he at least calendar wise is close enough to an adult that your step mom needs to seriously consider letting go and giving up some of those rights. She really needs to bite the bullet and get tough with him. Considering how far out of control he is, the only way to ever get him back is to "get cruel" and fight fire with fire. He has no respect for himself, he has no respect for anyone else. Unless she is willing to close him off and out totally and make him responsible for his own actions, its only going to get worse and in the end either he will end up dead or someone else will because of him. Forceing him into the military would not be a good idea, that would only frustrate him more and make him more angry in my opinion, but they really really need to do the tough love. And if that doesn't work, as hard at it is (and I'm a mom, I know what the pain would feel like) she might just have to totally cut him off and let him find out on his own how to pull himself out of the gutter hes in. Ninety percent of the battle will be if he really and truely wants to get his act together. Until he is willing and able to make the effort and meet his parents half way, nothing anyone does will change anything.




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  3. #3

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    Re: Need Family advice asap!!!

    Wow! this is a big one for a Disney board.

    I hope I can give a bit of insight, though everyone is different, and my thoughts may or may not apply here.
    First off, I was that kid. Not exactly of course, but DID skip a lot of class in high school (as in days at a time sometimes), smoked some pot, drank some booze, grades fell, got in a lot of trouble.
    To be honest, It was much less dangerous, and rebellious, as it would have looked to my parents. I was over the High School thing. I wanted to grow up too fast. Above all, I was carving out an individual life, because home life was not working. My parents did not get along, finances got tight, and we learned to play off our parents because of all this turmoil. (****ty thing to do I know, but when you are a teenager, you take advantage of your opportunities).
    I wasn't out on a self-destructive course though. I was playing music with my friends. We put together tight bands, had good gigs, and had a lot of fun. It took me away from school related attention, but also did some good. Of course, we messed up and got stoned too much, and drank far more than would should have.
    Problem lies in if this boy has an outlet or not.
    Have the parents even explored this or taken it into consideration? Could be a very talented boy, just without direction. From the sounds of the parents past attempts, seems they are very hands-off and frightened of the boy. He is ruling them. Send him to a special school? I know the ones you speak of, they are for children of parents who don't know how to be parents. These parents are probably the biggest problem, not the kid. He owns them, they have no respect or authority, therefore he has no guidance.
    Some of this is ludicrous. Take him away in the middle of the night???? What the hell purpose would that serve? That's some nightmare scenario out of Jerry Springer.
    To sum it up, this kid just needs an outlet to focus his attention on. I was on the same path, and later grew out of it. I found my path, and became damn good at it (audio engineering). Took a bit longer than normal, but today I'm playing at the top of my game in my field, and at only 29, feels pretty good. I went from straight A's, to nearly being kicked out of high school, to engineering platinum records. We all need to vent, some of us just vent longer and louder than others. Give this boy guidance, not punishment. He may be arrogant and cocky, but probably has much more to offer than that.

    -Chris

  4. #4

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    Re: Need Family advice asap!!!

    Quote Originally Posted by Flying to Nowhere
    Problem lies in if this boy has an outlet or not.
    Have the parents even explored this or taken it into consideration? Could be a very talented boy, just without direction. From the sounds of the parents past attempts, seems they are very hands-off and frightened of the boy. He is ruling them. Send him to a special school? I know the ones you speak of, they are for children of parents who don't know how to be parents. These parents are probably the biggest problem, not the kid. He owns them, they have no respect or authority, therefore he has no guidance.
    Some of this is ludicrous. Take him away in the middle of the night???? What the hell purpose would that serve? That's some nightmare scenario out of Jerry Springer.
    i usually would not stand up for my father and stepmom, but i know that have gone out of their way to try to get him to focus on something in life. they have told him, that he does not have to be an "A" student, just that he has to have a goal and to have a plan in life. They have had from what i have been told many serious talks with him, and that he just "does not get it". he thinks its a game...he comes and goes as he pleases, they told him last week that if he left again to leave his key, and he did, but as a parent if he calls you at 2am and wants to come home, what whould you do? i told them to tell him sorry. I told them to take him to skid row or to the morgue, something to scare him. taking him away in the middle of the night was just a thought, and he does not come from a broken home. he lives in a nice neighborhood with caring family and friends.
    http://www.youtube.com/user/awinner



    The difference between "involvement" and "commitment" is like a eggs and ham breakfast: The chicken was "involved" - the pig was "commited"!

  5. #5

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    Re: Need Family advice asap!!!

    A good solution is the Delancey Street Foundation. They rehabilitate troubled teens and ex-convicts, teach them career skills, and house and feed them as well. It's very rewarding for them too. I'm a regular donator to the organization, and have used their local moving team for 2 moves now. The people I have encountered during those moves say the program is the best thing to ever happen to them.

  6. #6

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    Re: Need Family advice asap!!!

    Quote Originally Posted by Flying to Nowhere
    Wow! this is a big one for a Disney board.

    I hope I can give a bit of insight, though everyone is different, and my thoughts may or may not apply here.
    First off, I was that kid. Not exactly of course, but DID skip a lot of class in high school (as in days at a time sometimes), smoked some pot, drank some booze, grades fell, got in a lot of trouble.
    To be honest, It was much less dangerous, and rebellious, as it would have looked to my parents. I was over the High School thing. I wanted to grow up too fast. Above all, I was carving out an individual life, because home life was not working. My parents did not get along, finances got tight, and we learned to play off our parents because of all this turmoil. (****ty thing to do I know, but when you are a teenager, you take advantage of your opportunities).
    I wasn't out on a self-destructive course though. I was playing music with my friends. We put together tight bands, had good gigs, and had a lot of fun. It took me away from school related attention, but also did some good. Of course, we messed up and got stoned too much, and drank far more than would should have.
    Problem lies in if this boy has an outlet or not.
    Have the parents even explored this or taken it into consideration? Could be a very talented boy, just without direction. From the sounds of the parents past attempts, seems they are very hands-off and frightened of the boy. He is ruling them. Send him to a special school? I know the ones you speak of, they are for children of parents who don't know how to be parents. These parents are probably the biggest problem, not the kid. He owns them, they have no respect or authority, therefore he has no guidance.

    ok, stop, so far you are way off, and for some reason you have taken it apon your self to blame everyone but this kid.
    Some of this is ludicrous. Take him away in the middle of the night???? What the hell purpose would that serve? That's some nightmare scenario out of Jerry Springer.
    To sum it up, this kid just needs an outlet to focus his attention on. I was on the same path, and later grew out of it. I found my path, and became damn good at it (audio engineering). Took a bit longer than normal, but today I'm playing at the top of my game in my field, and at only 29, feels pretty good. I went from straight A's, to nearly being kicked out of high school, to engineering platinum records. We all need to vent, some of us just vent longer and louder than others. Give this boy guidance, not punishment. He may be arrogant and cocky, but probably has much more to offer than that.

    -Chris
    Maybe this kids has had many outlets, did you ever think about it? I was this parent, I dealt with this crap, and today because I did not let him go and be a man I am raising 2 of his kids. My kid had every advantage, yet he stole, beat me up, his grand parents. Yeah, its our fault!! Please, you played music, you were nothing like this kid was described. how can you blame the parent right off the bat?? ok,enough, If the kid wants help he will ask for it, my theory, if your parents have done everything they could, nothing has helped, my theory, let him go! He will come back, probably way better and most respective of the parents rules.
    I did not let go, and in the end we all suffered great losses of many kinds. I say if this kid really want to play the adult game with no respect and not follow rules, pack his bags and send him off.

  7. #7

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    Re: Need Family advice asap!!!

    Quote Originally Posted by hakuna makarla
    Maybe this kids has had many outlets, did you ever think about it? I was this parent, I dealt with this crap, and today because I did not let him go and be a man I am raising 2 of his kids. My kid had every advantage, yet he stole, beat me up, his grand parents. Yeah, its our fault!! Please, you played music, you were nothing like this kid was described. how can you blame the parent right off the bat?? ok,enough, If the kid wants help he will ask for it, my theory, if your parents have done everything they could, nothing has helped, my theory, let him go! He will come back, probably way better and most respective of the parents rules.
    I did not let go, and in the end we all suffered great losses of many kinds. I say if this kid really want to play the adult game with no respect and not follow rules, pack his bags and send him off.
    thats what i said. i told them to call his bluff. they have had counselors come to the house and talk to him, they have sat down with him...he is not the abusive type of kid. i did mention to them though that i wpuld hide the valuables in the house because if he is in a downward spiral, he might choose to hock those items for money.
    http://www.youtube.com/user/awinner



    The difference between "involvement" and "commitment" is like a eggs and ham breakfast: The chicken was "involved" - the pig was "commited"!

  8. #8

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    Re: Need Family advice asap!!!

    I agree with Karla. Cut him loose. Parents' responsibilities only go so far. It sounds to me like your Dad and StepMom have gone above and beyond. Maybe the kid is just of the 'how far can I push?' mentality. There are lots and lots of those out there in varying degrees. At some point a line has to be drawn.

  9. #9

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    Re: Need Family advice asap!!!

    What a difficult situation for your family! I agree with Dphile. Delancy Street is an amazing program.

    Where is Nephy? She should have some incredible advice for you.

    Hugs to you Andrew.
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  10. #10

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    Re: Need Family advice asap!!!

    The kid is 17 years old, almost 18. He's going to have a rough time in the real world if he doesn't get his act together. They need to call his bluff or sign away their rights so he can get the help he needs. His mom will make this problem worse if she continues to enable his bad behaivor.

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    Re: Need Family advice asap!!!

    Quote Originally Posted by LuvsLilo
    The kid is 17 years old, almost 18.
    He just turned 17 on monday...they have taken everything away from him, phone, computer, he does not have a drivers license. Delancey St...they deal with kids?
    http://www.youtube.com/user/awinner



    The difference between "involvement" and "commitment" is like a eggs and ham breakfast: The chicken was "involved" - the pig was "commited"!

  12. #12

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    Re: Need Family advice asap!!!

    Quote Originally Posted by awinner
    He just turned 17 on monday...they have taken everything away from him, phone, computer, he does not have a drivers license. Delancey St...they deal with kids?
    Heh, well a year isn't that long of a time in the grand plan of life. I was just saying that he's almost an adult.

    I have a question, when his parents take away his phone & computer, how long do they take it away for? I've seen parents take away their kids prized possessions only to cave in after a day or two. So all the kid learns is to wear them down with whining.

    I wish his parents and your family the best of luck. It's a difficult situation without an easy solution.

  13. #13

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    Re: Need Family advice asap!!!

    Soory I don't have any advice to offer. But I know that I would be very careful about any program that requires parents to give up their legal rights as there can be both pros and cons to that.

    My mom's husband has an adopted son from his first marriage. His son had a lot of problems all his life and in his 30's now and still not doing well. On Christms Eve he got high on something, passed out in the snow, and was found the next morning almost dead from hypothermia. My mom's husband went to visit him in the hospital and there was a man there visiting who claimed to be his friend and was trying to get him to relinquish his legal rights so he could be admitted into some kind of rehab program. My mom's husband did some research and the program turned out to be one that is run by what most people would perceive to be a cult...think somewhere along the lines of Jim Jones!


    I wish you and your family the best of luck!

  14. #14

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    Re: Need Family advice asap!!!

    Quote Originally Posted by awinner
    Delancey St...they deal with kids?
    Yep - they have an actual high school too. Just contact them directly for more info. The programs don't cost anything, and residency is a minimum 2-year stay, so it's not just a "quick fix" type of program.

  15. #15

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    Re: Need Family advice asap!!!

    We had a problem like this one in my family. He got a girlfriend who was a great influence on him though and because of her he went back to college, quit drugs, isn't depressed, is independent, owns his own apartment, and is realizing that the people he used to hang out with were idiots. They just broke up recently, but we are so grateful that she came along. I really hope something similar happens for you.

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