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  1. #1

    • Angel Fan MC Man
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    Another "Dealing With Mother" Thread

    I was thinking about starting a thread about this...then I saw Sara's thread and thought about containing my story in a post there...and then thought that it would be unfair to derail hers in that way, since I really want your thoughts.

    I'll try to be brief about this...yes, I know it's me...humor me.

    Since I was about 25 and left OC for Ventura, m y relationship with my mother was very strained ( I lived at home til I was 21 but stayed in the area til I got my first real radio job and left DL).

    My mother and stepfather fought constantly, and since I didn't have much of a social life, Mom always had me around as a companion, and as I look at it now, manipulated me to be her "man" in a sense on those many occasions when Dad took off.

    Mom is many things...loving, supportive, encouraging, a great cook, but also a master manipulator....and their finally came a time when my younger brothers and I couldn't take it any more...One left for Berkeley, another for New Mexico, me for Ventura County.

    My folks finally got divorced in the mid-90's and sold the house we lived in for so many years, in Garden Grove. A couple of years before that, when I came down for a visit, they fought the whole time, and I said...enough.

    I had a few contacts with my Dad til his death in 1998...but none with my Mom, til last year. MORE...
    God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

  2. #2

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    Re: Another "Dealing With Mother" Thread

    I was 49 years old, and had this feeling that it was time to have some sort of relationship with a 67-year old mother, because who knows....you get the drift.

    Last year I picked her up at the motel she's living in, in Westminster...and took her out to dinner, and she started in right away...on Dad, my brothers, everyone else's shortcomings.

    We set up a date for Kathleen to finally meet her mother-in-law (after seven years of marriage) last Sunday after starting off our day with the Karla meet at Disneyland.

    We were supposed to meet her at a physical rehab hospital in Huntington Beach after a recent fall she'd had. Good...I thought...better for Kat to meet her there, than at that dingy motel room.

    So we call from the park around 5 to tell her we're on our way. She then tells me, not asks me, there's been a change in plan...you're taking me back to my motel tonight. They were going to release her Monday, so she figured I'd take her back.

    Made me feel very uncomfortable. Of course I did it, but I'd like to be asked....and of course she hadn't filled out any necessary paperwork to leave, so Kathleen, as she always does, stepped into the role of nurse and just started doing things for her.

    Then we got back to the motel after buying her a bucket of KFC...and found she had nothing in her refrigerator. She says...they'll be coming around with food by Thursday (this was Sunday). What'll you do til then, Mom....oh, I've got this leftover chicken...

    Of course she knew we weren't about to leave her that way, so we spent the next part of our night, at a nearby Albertsons.

    By the time we got back, we were so tired, with a two hour drive back home, we just left her with the food, and a kiss.

    This was not how I wanted Kathleen to meet her mother-in-law. Part of me feels that I, as the oldest, am responsible for her but I have no means or place or desire to have her live with us.

    I left there feeling kind of used...I know this description, however long, doesn't cover the whole story but how would you feel? Of course I love and care about my Mom but how would you feel? She also reminded me that I was her pride and joy...the first of her babies...etc.

    Thanks for taking the time to read this and respond -
    God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

  3. #3

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    Angry Re: Another "Dealing With Mother" Thread

    I really can't relate to your story Barry (I am sorry about that but I guesss I am not old enough yet).

    And i wonder if anyone can relate to this one:

    My godfamily is coming into town this weekend. Obviously we need to clean house. Mama is demanding that she be the one to vacuum and dust in my room. This is very embarassing. I know I can't see dirt and dust very well but that still doesn't mean I can't do the job. It'll just take me longer than Mama can do it.

    My main problem is that I am 23 and still having Mama clean my room like I am 12. It bothers me something terrible. I would rather have a brother help me with something like this, not one of my parents.

    Does anyone understaned what I am talking about?
    Quote Originally Posted by aashee View Post
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  4. #4

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    Re: Another "Dealing With Mother" Thread

    Should I have made a seperate thread for the above?
    Quote Originally Posted by aashee View Post
    We are 100% grade A Disney Dorks.

  5. #5

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    Re: Another "Dealing With Mother" Thread

    Barry.... relationships with other human beings are never neat and tidy. But our relationships with our parents are probably hardest of all. They brought us into the world, we love them almost instinctively, even though as we get older we come to see them for the normal, imperfect humans that they are, not the wonderous people who as small children we may have put on a pedastal. That said, its a wonderful thing you making the attempt to have a relationship with your mom at this time. After all, we only have one. It sounds like your mother has made some bad choices in her life, maybe through no fault of her own, maybe some of them she could of changed, but now she is living with the result of her past. Her basic personality might be of a controling type, and when there are things she can't control she doesn't know any other way to deal with them. Sounds like she might have some passive/agressive tendencys also. Just because you are the oldest doesn't mean you should take soul responsibility for the welfare of your mother. There is nothing wrong with helping out, like getting her some food, but there is only so much you should have to do. And however much you choose to do or not do is entirely up to you. Its your family and your life. I think you may need to just find a place where you can accept your mom for who and what she is at this time in her life. You can still love her and try to help her but you don't have to be resposible for her. She is the way she is and that will never change, just realize and accept that you have and are doing as much as you can for her, and never feel bad or quilty that you're not ever doing enough.

    Not sure if this is any help.... always feel free to PM me if you ever need an ear!!




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    Quote Originally Posted by AGhostFromThePast
    all you need to know about the mommy stick is.. out of all the bad things that could happen to you... it's right between wetting yourself and death.

  6. #6

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    Re: Another "Dealing With Mother" Thread

    wow...always amazes me when you two show up in the same place! :-)
    and i adore the both of you! haha!
    okay.. ahem... hold on a sec,,, i need a c(_)~~ refill on this one...

    Okay...although my precious mom died almost 17 years ago... i draw on my experience from her..and 'adoptive' mom's i've had since then...and the simple fact that i've been a mom for 19 years! haha! does that qualify me for any sort of advice?

    Barry....the one thing that popped out at me....was the 'guilt' thing going there....mom's are nortorious for that..it seemed to me, that all though her condition wasn't in the best of circumstances, just the fact that she hadn't seen you for so long...it seemed like she had no real capacity to make that visit about you, or even 'share the glory' of the visit. she made it all about her... as far as the empty fridge...that's odd, you never ever really know..i mean after all, if it had been 7 years since you've seen her..she's getting her food somehow right?
    There comes a time when we have to accept that relationships that we wish for..even desperately need...won't always end up the way we want them to, and even our mom's may not turn out to be the people that our heart has told us they should be. It's such a hard thing to accept...but once you can, and move forward it's very encouraging. As for her care... you're not legally responsible for her, but..that one's a tough one..i really don't know what to say...maybe you & your brother should have a long 'sit down'. does he have any better a relationship with her than you do? ohhhhhh my she so reminds me of my mother in law.. not in a dreadful way or anything...just so much like her.
    anyway..there's my thoughts on that one..for now anyway! ((((((((((((hugs!))))))))))

  7. #7

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    Re: Another "Dealing With Mother" Thread

    Quote Originally Posted by BDBopper
    Should I have made a seperate thread for the above?
    No, I think this is ok. I'm sure Barry won't mind...

    Now BD...

    Um... I have to go to work, but I want to respond to you. (You have very valid points by the way).

    I'll have to catch you later on!!




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    Quote Originally Posted by AGhostFromThePast
    all you need to know about the mommy stick is.. out of all the bad things that could happen to you... it's right between wetting yourself and death.

  8. #8

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    Re: Another "Dealing With Mother" Thread

    BD...how about a compromise... let your mom know how important it is for you to clean your own room, and to give you the chance to make a first run at it yourself...then if there were any places you missed, she's welcome to go over it.
    would that work?

  9. #9

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    Re: Another "Dealing With Mother" Thread

    I can definitely see how my reply is completely unrelated to what Barryy's story was about. I saw "Dealing with Mother" and wanted to get something off my chest. LOL
    Quote Originally Posted by aashee View Post
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  10. #10

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    Re: Another "Dealing With Mother" Thread

    Quote Originally Posted by pixywingz
    BD...how about a compromise... let your mom know how important it is for you to clean your own room, and to give you the chance to make a first run at it yourself...then if there were any places you missed, she's welcome to go over it.
    would that work?

    Already tried that. She wouldn't go for it.
    Quote Originally Posted by aashee View Post
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  11. #11

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    Re: Another "Dealing With Mother" Thread

    well then give her MY phone number!hahaha!

  12. #12

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    Re: Another "Dealing With Mother" Thread

    Barry,

    Obviously you want to help your mom in a time of need, but you don't want to be manipulated into doing it. It does sound like your mom lacked for, shall we say, nice conversation there.

    I don't have too much helpful to say here, but as one way to help your mom without her being able to manipulate you into it... you could always order her some groceries online and have them delivered (Albertson's does that). And your siblings could do that too.

    Unusually and exceedingly peculiar and altogether quite impossible to describe...



  13. #13

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    Talking Re: Another "Dealing With Mother" Thread

    Quote Originally Posted by pixywingz
    well then give her MY phone number!hahaha!
    ROFL Yeah I can see that working out really well. LOL Let's don't and say we did.
    Quote Originally Posted by aashee View Post
    We are 100% grade A Disney Dorks.

  14. #14

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    Re: Another "Dealing With Mother" Thread

    I wasnt going to respond to this but then I thought, what the heck. If no one wants to know my thoughts, dont read this.

    My advice to everyone out there who still have their parents,
    Love them now and be there for them. Once they are gone, you will spend so much time thinking about how much more you could have done for them.

    My mother raised 4 daughters by herself. Granted, we were/are very close. We were very poor and spent ALOT of time where it was just the 5 of us. As all kids do, we grew up and became teenagers, adults, and then parents ourselves. When my mother was first diagnosed with Alzhiemers I always believed I would still have plenty of time. As my relationship at home fell apart I spent more time trying to fix that then with my mother. Her illness progressed quickly and within a year she could no longer talk and had no idea who I was. I was heartbroken. My relationship failed and my mother was going to die soon. I felt like I belw it all the way around.

    My mother has been gone going on 3 years now and I look back at all I could have done, should have done and I have so many regrets now. When I see people who still have their parents all I want to say is, Grab on to them, hold on tight and tell them how much you love them. We are all adults now, the time you spend with them will end sooner then you will ever think. They say it comes full circle and the children will become the parents. They raised you, fed you , clothed you. If you are good person now, thank them for it. Thank them for the birthday parties, the christmases, the good times. No matter how few you feel there were.

    Im sorry if this is rambling, I just dont want anyone to feel the regret I do now... good luck to all..
    Mellymouse




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  15. #15

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    Re: Another "Dealing With Mother" Thread

    I'm sorry you have to deal with that Barry, as a person who surpassed the maturity level of her mother back in her teenage years I can empathize. Manipulation of a person is horrible enough, to add that is a family member that is supposed to love you makes it even harder.

    I am sorry you were unable to have a good meeting with your mother and your wife had to see her that way but sadly by the sounds of it your mother has always been that way.

    We can't change people for who they are, just understand who they are and continue to be the better person. I think its wonderful you did for her what you did. But I also understand why you stay away from her. I'm just sorry that your relationship with your mother is that way.

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