As today is Tax Day I thought that I might present some tips to help keep you from being audited.

If instead of writing your name you instead write a cryptic message such as "The shrimp howls at midnight", you may be audited.

If you address the envelope to the I.R.S. as the "Infernal Revenue Service", you may be audited.

If in the space where you are asked to list your adjusted gross income you put down "None of your business", you may be audited.

If on the line where it asks you to list your income for the year you write "Not enough", you may be audited.

If you try to claim your congressman as a dependent, because you voted for him, you may be audited.

If you try to use a pet that you adopted from the SPCA to take the adoption credit, you may be audited.

Lastly I would like to remind you not to do your taxes at the last minute. Do them at 11:58 instead.


Carry on.