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  1. #1

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    I need some advice from people who have been divorced ....thanks in advance.

    I know divorce is a painful topic for a lot of people to talk about but I was wondering if you could answer a question for me. When you went through your divorce and it was finalized, when you were sad (if you were sad ) what kinds of things helped you feel better that friends did for you?

    I 'm asking because I have a friend who told me today that her divorce just became final on Friday and then she burst into tears! I gave her a big hug and tried to think of some nice things to say to her , but I'm not convinced anything I said really helped!

  2. #2

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    Re: I need some advice from people who have been divorced ....thanks in advance.

    ^^ Oh my! I have no advice to give as I've never been in either situation (yours or hers!). I hope she feels better about it soon and I hope you find the ability to help!
    Last edited by TraceCub; 02-18-2007 at 01:20 PM.
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  3. #3

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    Re: I need some advice from people who have been divorced ....thanks in advance.

    I don't think there is anything you can say to help. Marriage is a covenant between two people that was designed to last for the rest of their lives. When we step in and end that, not only is their a legal aspect but two souls are being torn apart in a spiritual aspect as well.
    All you can do is be there for her as a friend. This may be a long process. My prayers are there for you and your friend.
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    Re: I need some advice from people who have been divorced ....thanks in advance.

    Quote Originally Posted by DsnyFvr View Post
    I don't think there is anything you can say to help. Marriage is a covenant between two people that was designed to last for the rest of their lives. When we step in and end that, not only is their a legal aspect but two souls are being torn apart in a spiritual aspect as well.
    All you can do is be there for her as a friend. This may be a long process. My prayers are there for you and your friend.
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    Re: I need some advice from people who have been divorced ....thanks in advance.

    buy her a date (yes I'm so kidding) Just being there for her now is a comfort (even if she doesn't realize it right now) she's lucky to have a great friend like you.
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  6. #6

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    Re: I need some advice from people who have been divorced ....thanks in advance.

    I'm divorced and it was rough for awhile. I went through more anger/resentment than anything else, but there was a decent amount of lonliness/depression as well. 2 of my childhood friends who I was pretty sure I'd burned those bridges to(because of my ex) chatted with me on the phone and via email when I needed someone to talk to, and to this day I owe getting my life back to a somewhat normal order and taking it one day at a time, to those 2 guys and their encouraging words.

    I know it sounds cliche' but try just telling them positive things like just take it one day at a time, and things will get better, those words can really help(once they sink in) especially when they come from someone they trust and care about. Another thing that helped me was positive music, of course no sappy love songs or old favs of me and the ex at first. I personally don't believe in spiritual things, but if your friend is a spiritual type of person they can find comfort in their faith too as well as be around others who share their faith and belief/s.

    Another thing your friend can do is stay busy no matter what type of activities, just focus/concentrate on them and go for it. Time will heal, it just can suck cause it can take so long(or atleast seem like so long at first). LoL Like I said try to get them to see the positive things in life and concentrate on them.

    Everyone heals differently and such. It'll be 4 yrs next month for me in being divorced, and only this past year did I really feel like I was truly back to my old(but a little wiser now) self in doing things and having a fun life again. Like I said it will get better and tell them to not give up no matter what, and they'll see for themselves down the road.

    Your friend is lucky to have someone like you, and it shows you really care by this thread.

  7. #7

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    Re: I need some advice from people who have been divorced ....thanks in advance.

    Quote Originally Posted by Baghira View Post
    I know it sounds cliche' but try just telling them positive things like just take it one day at a time, and things will get better, those words can really help(once they sink in) especially when they come from someone they trust and care about. Another thing that helped me was positive music, of course no sappy love songs or old favs of me and the ex at first. I personally don't believe in spiritual things, but if your friend is a spiritual type of person they can find comfort in their faith too as well as be around others who share their faith and belief/s.
    Quote Originally Posted by Baghira View Post

    Actually, I really like this idea because my friend is VERY spiritual! And I even know what music groups she likes. Maybe I will make her a taope to try to cheer her up! She is coming over later to pick up something she needs to borrow so I can give it to her then.



    Another thing your friend can do is stay busy no matter what type of activities, just focus/concentrate on them and go for it. Time will heal, it just can suck cause it can take so long(or atleast seem like so long at first). LoL Like I said try to get them to see the positive things in life and concentrate on them.

    She is the children's director at our church so she keeps pretty busy doing that and she does an awesome job! She pours a lot into her own kids too. I think what you're saying is good...I hope I can remember to do that!


    Everyone heals differently and such. It'll be 4 yrs next month for me in being divorced, and only this past year did I really feel like I was truly back to my old(but a little wiser now) self in doing things and having a fun life again. Like I said it will get better and tell them to not give up no matter what, and they'll see for themselves down the road.

    I'm really glad to hear you are doing better now. I've heard people say that divorce feels like a death so it must take some time!

    Your friend is lucky to have someone like you, and it shows you really care by this thread.



    Well thanks...I do totally lover her and care about her, but I'm embarassed to say that I think I initially put my foot in my mouth because when she first told me the divorce was final, first I said "I thought it already was before now!" Then I said "Congratulations!" ( ), but that was because I know her ex husband was very verbally abusive to her for years and I know how hard she worked to sustain their marriage until she absolutely couldn't take it anymore. So I thought that she was telling me because she was happy and then I realized she had tears in her eyes and then she started to cry! She is such a nice and awesome rpeson and I just want her to heal really quickly and find a guy who really deserves her and will treat her like a queen.

    Quote Originally Posted by Hector View Post
    buy her a date (yes I'm so kidding) Just being there for her now is a comfort (even if she doesn't realize it right now) she's lucky to have a great friend like you.
    Yeah, I kind of mentioned that I hope she goes on a date soon with someone who will appreciate her! Thanks for the compliment even though as I said above, I really put my foot in my mouth. But I know I also make her laugh a lot so hopefully that helped some!

  8. #8

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    Re: I need some advice from people who have been divorced ....thanks in advance.

    Well, maybe this will make you feel better --

    My divorce was my idea, for various reasons I don't have the time or space to go into here. I was totally ok with the situation, had the support of a wonderful family and great friends and actually made a lot of very positive changes in my life at the same time -- new job, new place, etc...I was actually feeling pretty confident for the first time in a very long time.

    The day that my divorce was final, I was visiting my previous job and my former supervisor came around the corner in the hallway and said something to the effect, 'You know, I was just looking at some old pictures the other day and came across some of you and T...'

    I pretty much just burst into tears right there in the hallway.

    Sometimes I think emotions just catch up to you and come out in very strange ways...and even though I was at a pretty good place in my life as a result of the parting, it's still easy to think you've failed or it's somehow your fault, regardless of what happened.

    She just gave me a big hug and that was pretty much all I needed right then.

    I'm sending good thoughts your way, for you and you friend!

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    Re: I need some advice from people who have been divorced ....thanks in advance.

    My friend just recently got divorced and my mom's divorce was final last May. I always make sure I'm available to listen to what my friend says. I don't always give advice because people just sometimes need to be heard. Also I try to make special days, special for them still. Like for my friend we ordered in dinner and hung out and watched tv so she wasn't alone on Valentine's Day.

    I'm not one to offer up advice or even give consoling words, I'm horrible at that most of the time. But I am a good listener, which is what I feel people need a lot of the time.

    I'll be praying for you guys, for her so that hopefully time will at least give her peace about what happened and for you to have the right words to say.
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  10. #10

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    Re: I need some advice from people who have been divorced ....thanks in advance.

    Quote Originally Posted by Princess Buttercup View Post
    I know divorce is a painful topic for a lot of people to talk about but I was wondering if you could answer a question for me. When you went through your divorce and it was finalized, when you were sad (if you were sad ) what kinds of things helped you feel better that friends did for you?

    I 'm asking because I have a friend who told me today that her divorce just became final on Friday and then she burst into tears! I gave her a big hug and tried to think of some nice things to say to her , but I'm not convinced anything I said really helped!
    Imagine my shock when I saw that you were the OP of this thread! But then I realized it wasn't about you.

    I'm about the only one in my immediate family who who hasn't been divorced and married multiple times, so my only perspective is that of a son, brother, or uncle of the one being divorced. My observations have taught me this: While we might have laid out plans for our future, sometimes it just doesn't work out the way we intended--and that's ok. While I've been married 30 years and never divorced, I could not have forseen the direction my professional life has taken. When I hit a roadblock, new and unexpected opportunities arose. And that's the way it can be with a divorce. It can be traumatic for awhile, but in the long run, a change of direction is better than remaining in a painful and sour relationship.
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  11. #11

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    Re: I need some advice from people who have been divorced ....thanks in advance.

    Quote Originally Posted by Trekkie Dad View Post
    Imagine my shock when I saw that you were the OP of this thread! But then I realized it wasn't about you.
    Glad to see I wasn't the only one who had that thought when I saw the original thread title/author on the front page!!

    PB - I think, as it has been stated already here - the fact that you care enough to ask here shows that you are so totally there for her. And she knows it, even if you don't think you are doing a good job at the time.
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  12. #12

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    Re: I need some advice from people who have been divorced ....thanks in advance.

    Quote Originally Posted by Trekkie Dad View Post
    Imagine my shock when I saw that you were the OP of this thread! But then I realized it wasn't about you.

    LOL Come on Trekkie Dad....you know Ken and me better than that!



    Thanks for all your words of wisdom everyone.

    When my friend came by this afternoon, I said "I'm really sorry if I made you feel sadder when I said congratulations." And she said "Oh no you didn't and don't worry, you're not the first person who's said that to me." So phew, I am glad I didn't make her feel worse. We talked a little more and she is actually doing a really good job of moving forward in her life......she's got a good job, she's going back to school so she can get a better job, she was able to buy a condo because she and her ex sold a rental property they owned and split the profits, she was also able to buy a brand new reliable car with some of her settlement money ...so those practical aspects of lfe are taken care of....now she just needs time to heal from the emotional trauma. She can definitely use prayers as can her kids and even her ex so thanks to those of you who are sending prayers and good thoughts her way!

  13. #13

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    Re: I need some advice from people who have been divorced ....thanks in advance.

    Quote Originally Posted by tinkermonkey View Post
    Glad to see I wasn't the only one who had that thought when I saw the original thread title/author on the front page!!

    PB - I think, as it has been stated already here - the fact that you care enough to ask here shows that you are so totally there for her. And she knows it, even if you don't think you are doing a good job at the time.
    Ooops....sorry about that....divorce is so far out of mine and Ken's vocabulary for ourselves that I didn't even think that the title of my thread might sound like I was considering it for us!!!

    Thanks for what you said after that...she is a strong woman and I think she is going to be just fine eventually!!

  14. #14

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    Re: I need some advice from people who have been divorced ....thanks in advance.

    I was not sad...I was very happy and to be honest my Ex and I went out for a drink to celebrate...I call that a moment of temporary insanity, but it was kind of funny in a twisted kind of way. We don't speak anymore. i think we both needed closure of some sort.

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    Re: I need some advice from people who have been divorced ....thanks in advance.

    My divorce finalized 20 years ago. And it was very painful, because the closure I needed didn't come until many years later. We were married for almost 8 years, and knew each other for 10 years. Long enough for the divorce to be major life altering.

    The best advice I can give is to be there for your friend, as a listening board. She might need someone to just hear her grief, her pain of loss, to validate her and what she's going through. You don't have to offer an opinion one way or the other or "take sides" as it were. And it's probably best if you don't. Just acknowledge her sadness, don't shy away from it. She simply needs your compassion and empathy. She doesn't need a cheerleader or someone to tell her she's "better off" without her spouse.
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