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  1. #1

    • rainy day girl
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    For our married members

    (Also, those in long term serious relationships).

    How well do you communicate with your partner? When you fight, do you yell and fuss and then resolve the issue? Do you hold a grudge? Do you just shrug it off and let the issue at hand drop?

    I've been in very few relationships where I haven't bolted at the first sign of conflict, so I'm afraid my communicative skills aren't what they should be. Just wanted some of your takes on how to handle these delicate situations when they arise?
    Last edited by sunnygirl; 03-21-2007 at 06:35 AM.
    Looking for the truth about giraffes? http://www.menacinggiraffes.blogspot.com/

  2. #2

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    Re: For our married members

    Quote Originally Posted by sunnygirl View Post
    (Also, those in long term serious relationships).

    How well do you communicate with your partner? When you fight, do you yell and fuss and then resolve the issue? Do you hold a grudge? Do you just shrug it off and let the issue at hand drop?

    I've been in very few relationships where I haven't bolted at the first sign of conflict, so I'm afrais my communicative skills aren't what they should be. Just wanted some of your takes on how to handle these delicate situations when they arise?
    We talk it out, do not hold grudges, and have never, *ever* gone to bed mad at each other. Communication is key, you must talk about the issues and get it all out in the open. IMHO the worst thing for a marriage is to hold it in.
    HDAlien

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    "I dream of the day when you can go to a drive through, purchase alcohol, tobacco, and bullets, and use them all before you get home" -- Dogbert

  3. #3

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    Re: For our married members

    I think my dh and I communicate pretty well - we do talk all the time about everything. If we fight or have an argument, sometimes I need a few minutes to collect my thoughts (or to not just blow up) - so I usually clam up or walk away from the situation. But, my husband believes in getting it out in the open and does whatever he can to get me to talk - and most of the time he apologizes, even if he thinks he's right just to get me talking.

    Will trade husband for Disneyland and DCA Pins!

  4. #4

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    Re: For our married members

    My boyfriend and I have different variances of dealing with conflict, depending on the situation.
    We do a few things:

    1. Talk over it intelligently with no raised voices.
    2. Have a heated argument, but not a shouting match. (This one depends on our moods that day. )
    3. Shouting match (Rare) I can count on one hand how many we've had in the 5 years we've been together and it never solves anything and usually hurts one or both of our feelings.

    Thankfully, no matter which one we have used above, they all end with us coming to a conclusion together or if it's a bad discussion, both of us apologizing.

    The big thing to try and remember when you are communicating with anyone is to try not to get defensive, try not to start yelling, don't verbally ( or physically for that matter) attack the other person and be open to the possibility that you might be wrong or there may be another solution. And even more importantly, don't take out your frustration on others or hold a grudge. Life's to short to worry about petty arguments.

  5. #5

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    Re: For our married members

    We never go to bed mad at each other. And I know it sounds cheesy, but when one of us get mad or annoyed with the other one, we just hug each other and don't say anything.

  6. #6

    • rainy day girl
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    Re: For our married members

    Sometimes I find I feel I need to leave, physically remove myself from the situation until I can be rational and calm. Is this wrong to do?
    Looking for the truth about giraffes? http://www.menacinggiraffes.blogspot.com/

  7. #7

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    Re: For our married members

    Talk, talk talk. Mr Dkat and I have a tendency to blow up at each other (it hasn't happened in a while). When that happens we let the other cool off. This allows time to think about the situation and take the appropriate blame for our actions. We always apologize for making the other person angry by a specific action. "I know it upsets you when____ and I am sorry that I_____"

    Arguing isn't about being right, it's about talking through the conflict and making it (the situation, not the person) right. It is ok to say "I am sorry" and "I was wrong"

    One thing I have learned over the years is that once an argument is over...it;s over. You forgive your spouse or significant other, and do not bring that particular situation up ever again.

    The past is called the past for a reason. You cannot and should not hold your partner responsible for his/her past actions or anything that occurred before the two of you got together. (this includes your past history with other men/women)

    Pre-marital counseling. Mr. Dkat and I had an 8 hour session done through my church and it was so helpful to us.

    Don't forget that no matter what you love each other. And don't be afraid to say "It really hurt my feelings when___" But also be willing to hear your sweetie out when he has hurt feelings too.
    Katie
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    FIGHT ON!!!!!!









  8. #8

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    Re: For our married members

    Quote Originally Posted by sunnygirl View Post
    Sometimes I find I feel I need to leave, physically remove myself from the situation until I can be rational and calm. Is this wrong to do?
    Nah, I don't think that's wrong. Actually I think that's pretty responsible and mature. By removing yourself from the situation, you give yourself a chance to calm down and think things over instead of just shouting out whatever you want in the heat of the moment. That's even worse!

  9. #9

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    Re: For our married members

    Quote Originally Posted by Disneykat View Post
    Talk, talk talk. Mr Dkat and I have a tendency to blow up at each other (it hasn't happened in a while). When that happens we let the other cool off. This allows time to think about the situation and take the appropriate blame for our actions. We always apologize for making the other person angry by a specific action. "I know it upsets you when____ and I am sorry that I_____"

    Arguing isn't about being right, it's about talking through the conflict and making it (the situation, not the person) right. It is ok to say "I am sorry" and "I was wrong"

    One thing I have learned over the years is that once an argument is over...it;s over. You forgive your spouse or significant other, and do not bring that particular situation up ever again.

    The past is called the past for a reason. You cannot and should not hold your partner responsible for his/her past actions or anything that occurred before the two of you got together. (this includes your past history with other men/women)

    Pre-marital counseling. Mr. Dkat and I had an 8 hour session done through my church and it was so helpful to us.

    Don't forget that no matter what you love each other. And don't be afraid to say "It really hurt my feelings when___" But also be willing to hear your sweetie out when he has hurt feelings too.
    You're so wise, Katie.
    Looking for the truth about giraffes? http://www.menacinggiraffes.blogspot.com/

  10. #10

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    Re: For our married members

    Quote Originally Posted by sunnygirl View Post
    Sometimes I find I feel I need to leave, physically remove myself from the situation until I can be rational and calm. Is this wrong to do?
    Nope.
    And Katie is wise.
    In my last relationship (which you know didnt end cause we were fighting) we talked everything over. If he was expressing why he was angry, I sat and listened and vice versa, it helped a lot.
    We never ever ever brought up past fights. If it already happened and we talked it over, why bring it up again?
    The worst thing IMO is to NOT talk about why you are fighting/mat/what have you.
    Communication is key.
    "I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it. "Groucho Marx

  11. #11

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    Re: For our married members

    SunnyG, don't feel bad about walking away. I do that too. I just tell Mr. Dkat that I cannot talk to him until I am more calm. I'm honest. I say "I'm really ticked right now and I need to cool off." The kind of person I am though, knows that in about 5 mins I'll be telling him Hey, it was wrong of me to do____ but please know that it also upset me when you______."

    I have something on effective arguing that we learned at our session last yr.

    Wise? No, just that I have fought one too many times and held one to many grudges, and realized that the stress and anger is just not worth it. I don;t want to be one of those women who ends up hating her husband in 30 years.

    Frecky is right, you need to listen. It will be hard not to interrupt (well, it is for me anyway), but you need to hear each other out.
    Katie
    Founding member of the BA I LOVE us!!!
    FIGHT ON!!!!!!









  12. #12

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    Re: For our married members

    Communication, IMO is the most important thing in a good relationship.

    You can typically count on 1 or 2 heated arguments from us per year and then a few little things. But we always make up, always apologize and always have great "Make up" sessions.

    But just simple (seemingly annoying) things like "How's was your day", etc can go a long way.

    And also, with time you can sense when something is wrong. Even when Belle is being a typical woman and saying nothing ... I KNOW when something is wrong. After 12 years, I damn well better. And vice-versa. She knows when something is wrong with me.

    The key with that is letting them know it's not about them. You may not want to talk about a bad day at work, or something at that time ... but it's important for the other person to know they aren't the ones pissing you off.


  13. #13

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    Re: For our married members

    Quote Originally Posted by sunnygirl View Post
    Sometimes I find I feel I need to leave, physically remove myself from the situation until I can be rational and calm. Is this wrong to do?

    Definitely not wrong, I can get that way sometimes and it's really great that you recognize that your reaching that point in yourself. Great self analyzation (is that even a word?) Removing yourself from the situation until you can think rationally is wonderful, IMHO.
    Last edited by SummerInFL; 03-21-2007 at 07:02 AM.

  14. #14

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    Re: For our married members

    Katie hit it on the head by saying the word "I" instead of "you". I do too much of the you do this or that stuff - Lately, I've been trying to say I feel like this when.....or somehow not to put it all on my dh.

    Will trade husband for Disneyland and DCA Pins!

  15. #15

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    Re: For our married members

    Quote Originally Posted by frecky View Post
    Communication is key.
    This sounds so easy, and it seems to be the basic root of all advice I get on this, but it seems so hard sometimes.
    Looking for the truth about giraffes? http://www.menacinggiraffes.blogspot.com/

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