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  1. #1

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    im in desperate need of advice

    my best friends husband hit him yesterday. he is now staying at my house until things get figured out. i am horrible at advice, if you want to mock someone mercilessly im the girl you come to. but at some point he is going to want to talk about it and im not going to know what to say. well i know what i want to say but if he gets back together with his husband there would be a lot of wierd vibes between us. but everytime i look at him and i see his black eye it kills me. how do you ever trust a person again that would do that to you? any help you can give me would be greatly appreciated.

  2. #2

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    Re: im in desperate need of advice

    same thing happened with my b.f and her ex husband, she wanted to go back, and she wanted my support, but i couldnt support her with that. if they hit once, they'll do it again, and no one deserves a life like that. your friend needs to realize that he can do better and live a better life than that, it will take a lot of time, but it will all be worth it

  3. #3

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    Re: im in desperate need of advice

    well i am at a total loss but the Web is full of info on Same-Gender Domestic Violence stuff .
    This may help
    http://www.gmdvp.org/pages/myth.html and it has a phone number if you want to call for more support. I just don't know what to tell you off hand. Maybe they can?
    It isn't cool no matter who is involved. And I clearly understand your predicament but have never had to deal with it in the same gender sense.
    gosh I hope it all works out for you.





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  4. #4

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    Re: im in desperate need of advice

    I'm with ksejr1 on this one. You have to let your friend know that he has your love and support, but he also needs to know that if it happened once, it will happen again. Your friend deserves much, much better than that. There is NO reason for abuse. None.
    She did it!


  5. #5

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    Re: im in desperate need of advice

    he just told me that they talked and that they are going to get back together, i am so unbelievably depressed. i know i need to tell him to leave his husband because if he hit him once he will do it again, i know he needs to hear it from someone...i am just really worried about the effects of that on our friendship.

  6. #6

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    Re: im in desperate need of advice

    How long have they been together?
    "Pain is temporary, Film is Forever..."

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  7. #7

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    Re: im in desperate need of advice

    Your friend needs to know that domestic abuse is a serious problem. Also, as previously stated, his bf is not going to change, ever. He needs to be made aware of the cold hard facts regarding his situation, even if it means losing the friendship.
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  8. #8

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    Re: im in desperate need of advice

    I agree with SunnyG. This time it's a black eye. What will it be next time?
    One day your life will flash before your eyes. Make sure it's worth watching.


    Quote Originally Posted by Mouse princess View Post
    Of course I am worried about your mental health. I want happiness for all. Like we can all be like the Smurfs. But without Gargomel. He was mean.

  9. #9

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    Re: im in desperate need of advice

    Domestic violence is domestic violence.

    Get out now. People can change, but only if they want to, which is not likely. Your friend needs to call 911 if that guy ever does ANYTHING. You need to support your friend , and tell him that he doesn't deserve to be treated like that.

    Best of luck.




  10. #10

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    Re: im in desperate need of advice

    Quote Originally Posted by Max Fischer View Post
    Domestic violence is domestic violence.

    Get out now. People can change, but only if they want to, which is not likely. Your friend needs to call 911 if that guy ever does ANYTHING. You need to support your friend , and tell him that he doesn't deserve to be treated like that.

    Best of luck.
    Agreed. I say get out ........... now.

  11. #11

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    Re: im in desperate need of advice

    Another thing to think about - make sure your friend knows that you are there for him, but don't try and tell him what to do. Just let him know that there are options for him, and that he can rely on you. There is just no way of knowing how, when or why things happen, but they will.

    If/when your friend decides to get out of this relationship - don't judge, don't tell him "I told you so/I told you and you didn't listen." Emotions are complicated things, and logic oftentimes takes a back seat to them. If his world comes crashing down on him, he will need the anchor of your love and support.
    She did it!


  12. #12

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    Re: im in desperate need of advice

    Quote Originally Posted by Spidergrrrl View Post
    I'm with ksejr1 on this one. You have to let your friend know that he has your love and support, but he also needs to know that if it happened once, it will happen again. Your friend deserves much, much better than that. There is NO reason for abuse. None.
    Agreed. He also needs to talk to someone about this. A professional.
    "I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it. "Groucho Marx

  13. #13

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    Re: im in desperate need of advice

    Quote Originally Posted by Spidergrrrl View Post
    Another thing to think about - make sure your friend knows that you are there for him, but don't try and tell him what to do. Just let him know that there are options for him, and that he can rely on you. There is just no way of knowing how, when or why things happen, but they will.

    If/when your friend decides to get out of this relationship - don't judge, don't tell him "I told you so/I told you and you didn't listen." Emotions are complicated things, and logic oftentimes takes a back seat to them. If his world comes crashing down on him, he will need the anchor of your love and support.

    I respectfully disagree with this.

    The person in question does not know what to do, so in this instance you DO need to tell them what to do. By that, I mean you need to tell the person they do not deserve the treatment, and that it is not healthy. You are correct that you don't want to bark out orders, but the fact is, you are there to be a surrogate backbone for your friend that has slowly grown used to this poor treatment.

    I am not suggesting you tell the person how to live their life, but when it comes to DV and safety issues, often people do not know how to do the right thing.

    The other advice was spot on, but it is appropriate to be directive in this case.




  14. #14

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    Re: im in desperate need of advice

    Quote Originally Posted by Max Fischer View Post
    I respectfully disagree with this.

    The person in question does not know what to do, so in this instance you DO need to tell them what to do. By that, I mean you need to tell the person they do not deserve the treatment, and that it is not healthy. You are correct that you don't want to bark out orders, but the fact is, you are there to be a surrogate backbone for your friend that has slowly grown used to this poor treatment.

    I am not suggesting you tell the person how to live their life, but when it comes to DV and safety issues, often people do not know how to do the right thing.

    The other advice was spot on, but it is appropriate to be directive in this case.
    Mmm - true to a point, and I worded this poorly. I hesitated to say she needs to tell her friend what to do, because it is human nature to become defensive, insist you know what you're doing and what's going on and blow you off. If he were to ask what to do, then that's different. I've known people in similar situations, who basically told me to ******* off because they "had things under control."
    She did it!


  15. #15

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    Re: im in desperate need of advice

    Quote Originally Posted by Spidergrrrl View Post
    Mmm - true to a point, and I worded this poorly. I hesitated to say she needs to tell her friend what to do, because it is human nature to become defensive, insist you know what you're doing and what's going on and blow you off. If he were to ask what to do, then that's different. I've known people in similar situations, who basically told me to ******* off because they "had things under control."


    No, you worded it great, I just didn't explain myself too well, I really need some caffeine.

    You are right, if you push TOO hard, then the friend will not want to tell you stuff in the future. There is a fine line here, and if you are supportive, and directive, it will work out. As long as the friend knows that you care about them, and only want the best, which is what they deserve, it will work. Great advice, thanks SG.




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