Anaheim, CA July 13, 2005 - In an effort to satisfy the tastes of modern theme park goers, the Walt Disney Company announced today that it would be embarking on an ambitious upgrade project to add both extreme speed and a "loop" to almost all of the current Disneyland attractions. "Today’s guest doesn’t care so much about theme, detail and imagination as much as raw speed and thrills.” said a spokesperson. “They don’t come to the park to be educated, they come to throw up.” Phase I will focus on the easier conversions. The roller coaster based rides like Space Mountain, The Matterhorn and Big Thunder Mountain Railroad already possess the extreme speed so their upgrade won't require much more than finding somewhere to weld on some additional track. The movie-based rides like Honey I Shrank The Audience and Star Tours will also be included. “We'll simply speed up the film to 48 frames per second and show it upside down for a few seconds somewhere in the middle.”
“Phase II will be trickier but we think we have Imagineered® some creative solutions. Adding loops to the water rides like Splash Mountain and Pirates Of The Caribbean presented some unique challenges.” It’s A Small World will be renamed and recording has already begun on a new song which includes the lyrics:
It's a world of loops and a world of speed,
Upside down, round and round, that's what we all need.
Here we go, to and fro, I think I just pee'd!
It's A Thrill World after all!
The park will also provide waterproof ponchos (at a nominal charge) for those who don’t want to be soaked. The classic Autopia ride will be renamed Roll Over and will feature a new corkscrew track and vehicles powered by supercharged Corvette engines. Other attractions that just don’t lend themselves to “looping” will receive their own unique modifications. Dumbo and Astro Orbiters will be retrofitted with a technology similar to Magic Mountain’s X to provide disorienting thrills. “We’ll concentrate on the A, B and C tickets in this phase.” said the spokesperson, alluding to the rating of rides by the old Disneyland ticket system. “All of the Fantasyland dark rides will be accelerated to about 30 MPH and a loop added to the track. The increased speed will shorten most of the experiences to 4-8 seconds, but they will be the most thrilling 4-8 seconds on earth!” Also to be included in the second phase will be the Mark Twain and Columbia. While there will be no actual loop added to the track, guests will be served Mint Juleps or Rum Toddy’s containing several shots of real booze. Not only will this simulate a loopy experience, but will represent the first time in Disneyland’s history that alcohol has been served to guests with a net worth under several million dollars. This phase will be completed with an upgrade to The Jungle Cruise. Again, no actual loop will be added, but to increase the thrill level of the attraction, all boat drivers will now be required to be drunk and will be provided with real bullets.
The most impressive change will come in Phase III. The Disneyland Monorail system will go out of service for about nine months while a gigantic loop is added to the track near the entrance plaza. “This will not only become the tallest attraction in Disneyland, “ said the spokesperson, “but will also be the largest loop in the world!” The new Submarine Voyage and the possible new People Mover attraction aren’t included in the current plans, but it has been hinted that both will receive similar treatment when completed. King Arthur’s Carousel and the Main Street Vehicles will remain unchanged as a tribute to Walt Disney’s legacy. The Disneyland Rail Road will likely be replaced with an upgraded version of the Rocket Rods with multiple loops and a banked track.
Construction should begin next year after the 50th Anniversary Celebration is completed and should require about five years to complete. “We’re really excited about this, “ said the spokesperson. “It’s time Disneyland moved into the 21st Century!”
When completed, the new Disneyland will be known as “The Loopiest Place On Earth” and will be publicized with an ad campaign showing Walt Disney spinning in his grave.