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Thread: Tell me a joke!

  1. #1

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    Tell me a joke!

    I'm bored at work. So i thought that this would be entertaining.
    If you respond, respond with a joke!


    Here's mine:

    What has 4 legs, is green and fury and if it falls out of a tree it can kill you?













    A pool table! hahahahahahahahahaaha
    A Dream Is a Wish Your Heart Makes....

  2. #2

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    Re: Tell me a joke!

    A man walks out of a bar totally hammered, only to be greeted by a snobby woman. She takes one look at him.
    "You, sir, are drunk!"
    "And you ma'am, are ugly. But when I wake up, I will be sober!"

  3. #3

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    Re: Tell me a joke!

    Doctor: What seems to be the trouble?

    Patient: Doctor, I keep getting the feeling that nobody can hear what I say.

    Doctor: What seems to be the trouble?

  4. #4

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    Re: Tell me a joke!

    A patient has a sore throat and goes to a doctor to get treatment for it.

    Doctor: Your tonsils gotta come out.

    Patient: I wanna second opinion.

    Doctor: Okay, you're ugly, too.

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    Re: Tell me a joke!

    A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch.

    The seaman asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?" The pirate replies, "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."

    "Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"? "Well", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off."

    "Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch"? "A seagull dropping fell into my eye," replied the pirate.

    "You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?," the sailor asked incredulously. "Well," said the pirate, "it was my first day with my hook"

  6. #6

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    Re: Tell me a joke!

    HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAH!!!

    I love em! Keep em comin!!!
    A Dream Is a Wish Your Heart Makes....

  7. #7

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    Re: Tell me a joke!

    Not too funny, but I like it:
    A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After the checkup, the doctor took the wife aside and told her, "If you don't do the following, your husband will lose his will to live and surely die."

    Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast and send him off to work in a good mood.
    At lunch time, make him a warm, nutritious meal and put him in a good frame of mind before he goes back to work.
    For dinner, fix especially nice meals selected from his favorite foods and don't burden him with household chores or problems.
    Make love with him several times a week and satisfy his every sexual whim. On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor had told her.
    She replied, "You're going to die."
    "Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined." -Henry David Thoreau


  8. #8

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    Re: Tell me a joke!

    Quote Originally Posted by PretzelSouls View Post
    Not too funny, but I like it:
    A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After the checkup, the doctor took the wife aside and told her, "If you don't do the following, your husband will lose his will to live and surely die."

    Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast and send him off to work in a good mood.
    At lunch time, make him a warm, nutritious meal and put him in a good frame of mind before he goes back to work.
    For dinner, fix especially nice meals selected from his favorite foods and don't burden him with household chores or problems.
    Make love with him several times a week and satisfy his every sexual whim. On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor had told her.
    She replied, "You're going to die."

  9. #9

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    Re: Tell me a joke!

    A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house. A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox and again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

    As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

    Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, “Is something wrong?”

    To which she replied, “There certainly is!”

    My stupid computer keeps saying, “You’ve got mail!”

  10. #10

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    Re: Tell me a joke!

    A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house. A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox and again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

    As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

    Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, “Is something wrong?”

    To which she replied, “There certainly is!”

    My stupid computer keeps saying, “You’ve got mail!”

  11. #11

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    Re: Tell me a joke!

    What is brown and sticky?





    A stick.
    A signature should go here.

  12. #12

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    Re: Tell me a joke!

    A blond called her boy friend and says, "Please come over here and help
    me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure how to get it
    started."

    Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?
    The blonde says. According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger.

    Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him
    in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

    He studies the pieces for a moment, than looks at the box, then turns to
    her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be
    able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger"

    He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a
    nice cup of tea, and then" he sighed "Let's put all the Frosted Flakes
    back in the box."
    Last edited by Stitchy; 05-20-2008 at 06:52 PM.




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    Re: Tell me a joke!

    My favorite....

    was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina for my dog "Buddy"--and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. . . . Duh!
    I was feeling a bit crabby, so on impulse I told her no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.

    Her eyes about bugged out of her head. I went on and on with the bogus diet story and she was totally buying it. I told her that it was an easy, inexpensive diet and that the way it works is to load your pockets or purse with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The package said the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

    I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her. Horrified, she asked if something in the dog food had poisoned me and was that why I ended up in the hospital?

    I said no . . . I'd been sitting in the street licking my butt when a car hit me.

    I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door.




  14. #14

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    Re: Tell me a joke!

    What do an elephant and watch have in common?























    They both come in quartz!!!
    http://www.youtube.com/user/awinner



    The difference between "involvement" and "commitment" is like a eggs and ham breakfast: The chicken was "involved" - the pig was "commited"!

  15. #15

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    Re: Tell me a joke!

    Never lie to mom!




    Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal,
    Brian's mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful Brian's roommate,
    Jennifer, was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of a relationship
    between Brian and Jennifer, and this had only made her more curious. Over
    the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to
    wonder if there was more between Brian and Jennifer than met the eye.
    Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, "I know what you must be
    thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates."

    About a week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying, "Ever since your mother
    came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle.
    You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
    Brian said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure.

    So he sat down and wrote:

    Dear Mom:
    I'm not saying that you "did" take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm
    not saying that you "did not" take the gravy ladle but the fact remains
    that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

    Love, Brian

    Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that read:

    Dear Son:
    I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Jennifer, I'm not saying that you
    "do not" sleep with Jennifer but the fact remains that if Jennifer is
    sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.

    Love, Mom
    Har har har

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