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  1. #1

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    Mar 2006

    Basic Truths About Jack Bauer

    For all of you '24' fans, this is something that my dad sent to me in an e-mail, that I thought you might get a laugh out of:

    Basic Truths About Jack Bauer:

    Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead; it just makes him angry.

    If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice.

    If you wake up in the morning, it's because Jack Bauer spared your life.

    Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.

    If it tastes like chicken, looks like chicken, and feels like chicken, but Jack Bauer says its beef. Then you better believe it's beef.

    Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.

    1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.

    Let's get one thing straight: the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.

    Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.

    Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

    When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer hates lemonade.

    Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.

    Osama bin Laden's recent proposal for truce is a direct result of him finding out that Jack Bauer is, in fact, still alive.

    Jack Bauer is the leading cause of death in Middle Eastern men.

    Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.

    When Jack Bauer was a child, he made his mother finish his vegetables.

    Jack Bauer killed 93 people in just 4 days time. Wait, that is a real fact.

    Simon Says should be renamed to Jack Bauer Says because if Jack Bauer says something, you better do it.

    When Jack Bauer pissses into the wind, the wind changes direction.

    Jack Bauer's favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.

    When you open a can of whoop-***, Jack Bauer jumps out.

    When Google can't find something, it asks Jack Bauer for help.

    You can lead a horse to water. Jack Bauer can make him drink.

    Jack Bauer can get a McDonald's breakfast after 10:30.

    When the boogie man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Jack Bauer.

    Every mathematical inequality officially ends with "< Jack Bauer".

    In 96 hours, Jack Bauer has killed 93 people and saved the world 4 times. What the hell have you done with your life?

    Jesus died and rose from the dead in 3 days. It took Jack Bauer less than an hour. And he's done it twice.

    Jack Bauer killed so many terrorists that at one point, the #5 CIA Most Wanted fugitive was an 18-year-old teenager in Malaysia who downloaded the movie Dodgeball.

    In kindergarten, Jack Bauer killed a terrorist for Show and Tell.

    What color is Jack Bauer's blood? Trick question. Jack Bauer does not bleed.

    Guns dont kill people. Jack Bauer kills people.

    People with amnesia still remember Jack Bauer.

    Sun Tzu once wrote, "If your enemy is weaker, conquer him. If he is stronger, join him. If he is Jack Bauer, you're f***ing dead."

    Jack Bauer literally died for his country, and lived to tell about it.

    Jack Bauer has been to Mars. That's why there's no life on Mars.

    Superman's only weakness is Kryptonite. Jack Bauer laughs at Superman for having a weakness.

    It took Jack Bauer two minutes to beat a confession out of OJ.

    If Jack Bauer was gay, his name would be Chuck Norris.

    The bumper sticker on Jesus's car reads, "WWJBD?"

    After 7 minutes of interrogation at the hands of Jack Bauer, Tom Cruise admitted that he was gay.

    Jack Bauer's family threw him a surprise birthday party when he was a child. Once.

    Jack Bauer is the 'i' in team.

    Nobody says 'hit me' when Jack Bauer deals Blackjack.

    It's no use crying over spilt milk ... unless it’s Jack Bauer's milk. You are so screwed.

    When Jack Bauer is asleep, time stops.

    Jack Bauer removed the "Escape" button from his keyboard. Jack Bauer never needs to escape.

    Jack Bauer once arm wrestled Superman. The stipulation was the loser had to wear his underwear on the outside of his pants.

    When President Palmer quit to do Allstate commercials, it took him 43 takes before he could stop saying, "You're in good hands with Jack Bauer".

    If Jack Bauer misspells a word, your dictionary is wrong.

    On a high school math test, Jack Bauer answered "Violence" for every one of the questions. He got an A+ on the test because Jack Bauer solves all his problems with violence.

    If you're holding a gun to Jack Bauer's head, don't count to three before you shoot. Count to 10. That way, you get to live 7 seconds longer.

    When Jack Bauer goes to the airport and the metal detector doesn't go off, security gives him a gun.

    There are no such things as lesbians, just women who never met Jack Bauer.

    It is a known fact that when Time magazine awards "The Man of Year*", there is fine print on the bottom of the cover that says, " *besides Jack Bauer."

    Jack Bauer can get a McDonald's breakfast after 10:30.

    Finding Nemo would have been vastly more exciting had Jack Bauer been looking for him.

    Due to Jack Bauer, no one looks forward to the weekend anymore; they look forward to the weekend being over, and watching 24 on Monday.

    Jack Bauer got Hellen Keller to talk.

    If Jack Bauer saw a terrorist reaching for a bomb to blow himself up, Jack would shoot the bomb first. Nobody steals a kill from Jack Bauer.

    Jack Bauer once won a game of rock paper scissors using neither rock, paper nor scissors.

    Jack Bauer uses No.1 pencils on standardized tests.... Jack Bauer doesn't associate with anything that is No. 2.

    Jack Bauer can tell you how to get to Sesame Street.

    Jack Bauer was credited with the phrase "revenge is a dish best served cold" when he physically manifested the idea of revenge into a dinner plate, froze it, and then beat his enemy to death with it.

    The popular videogame "Doom" is based loosely around the time Satan borrowed two bucks from Jack Bauer and forgot to pay him back.

    Jack Bauer took the blue pill and still found out the truth.

    Jack Bauer knows the sound of one hand clapping.

    A cologne company once tried to make a cologne out of Jack Bauer's sweat. The result was the most powerful acid known to man.

    Christopher Reeve was one of the few to survive an encounter with Jack Bauer.

    Jack Bauer does not sleep. He waits.

    The chief export of Jack Bauer is pain.

    There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Jack Bauer.

    In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Jack Bauer could use to kill you, including the room itself.

    When Jack Bauer goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

    When Jack Bauer jumps into a body of water, he doesn’t get wet. The water gets Jack Bauer'd.

    Jack Bauer can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

    If everyone on "24" followed Jack Bauer's instructions, it would be called "12".

    Jack Bauer likes only one thing about working for CTU: free ammo.

    When Jack Bauer calls shotgun, he means it.

    When someone asks Jack Bauer how his day is going, he replies, "Previously, on 24..."

    Jack Bauer's vanity plate reads: IKIL4CTU.

    Looks can only kill if Jack Bauer is looking at you.

    Jack Bauer doesn't speak any foreign languages, but he can make any foreigner speak English in a matter of minutes.

    In high school Jack Bauer was voted "Most Likely to Kill the Foreign Kid" ... and "Best Eyes."

    A day without torture is like a day without sunshine to Jack Bauer. Jack Bauer has a great tan.

    Jack Bauers calender goes from March 31st to April 2nd. No one fools Jack Bauer.

    If you're a terrorist, Jack Bauer is the last person on Earth you want to see. Unfortunately, if you're a terrorist, Jack Bauer probably is the last person you'll ever see on Earth.

    James Bond has a license to kill. Jack Bauer doesn't need any licenses.

    If a terrorist in the state of California is lucky enough to avoid being killed by Jack Bauer, the death penalty is carried out by either lethal injection or gas. Naturally, the fluid in the injection is Jack Bauer's saliva while the gas is, well, his gas.

    The alphabet originally had thirty letters - until Jack Bauer decided there was "no time" for more than twenty-six.

    When Jack Bauer asks any question, it should be automatically assumed to mean "Which of your vital organs do you want to lose for lying?"

    Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man

    If Jack says “I just want to talk to him” and that him is you - well amigo, you’re f**ked.

    In grade school, a little boy punched Kimberly Bauer, and Kimberly ran home to tell her dad. That little boy’s name? Stephen Hawking.

    Jack Bauer does not sleep. The only rest he needs is what he gets when he’s knocked out or temporarily killed.

    No man has ever used the phrase, “Jack Bauer is a *****” in a sentence and lived to tel-

    As a child, Jack Bauer’s first words were “There’s no time!”

    If you get 7 stars on your wanted level on Grand Theft Auto, Jack Bauer comes after you. You don’t want to get 7 stars.

    Everytime Jack Bauer yells “NOW!” at the end of a sentence, a terrorist dies.

    If you send someone to kill Jack Bauer, the only thing you accomplish is supplying him a fresh set of weapons to kill you with.

    Jack Bauer could get off the Lost island in 24 hours.

    Jack Bauer makes onions cry.

    Don't ask what Jack Bauer would do for a Klondike bar...

    Jack Bauer has no problem following orders, unless you tell him to do something he doesn't want to.

    Jack Bauer can sneeze with his eyes open.

    Men are ok with their wives fantasizing about Jack Bauer during sex; because they are doing the same thing.

    When terrorists go to hell, if they say Jack Bauer sent them, they'll get a group discount.

    If you break one of Jack Bauer's ribs, he'll just use it to stab you to death.

    Before Heroin, Jack Bauer tried becoming addicted to speed ... but it only slowed him down.

    Jack Bauer has never taken a sh!t that has lasted more than 4 minutes and 37 seconds. Due to the graphic nature of these sh!ts, however, they are taken only during commercial breaks.
    Press today is so concerned with cool vs. not cool that they're starting to forget good vs. bad. I'm not sure I'll ever be "cool", but I will always tirelessly strive to be "great". - Josh Groban

  2. #2

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    Feb 2005

    Re: Basic Truths About Jack Bauer

    Those were great!!! Just a little "Jack" to hold us over until January.

    Best quote: Jack Bauer's family threw him a surprise birthday party when he was a child. Once

  3. #3

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    Mar 2006

    Re: Basic Truths About Jack Bauer

    My dad and brothers are big 24 fans. They even found a t-shirt at Target that says "Jack Bauer For President".
    Press today is so concerned with cool vs. not cool that they're starting to forget good vs. bad. I'm not sure I'll ever be "cool", but I will always tirelessly strive to be "great". - Josh Groban

  4. #4

    • Sea Creature
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    Aug 2005

    Re: Basic Truths About Jack Bauer

    Wow, I wonder who thought those up.

  5. #5

    • MiceChat News Team
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    Jun 2005
    BANZAI INSTITUTE for Biomedical Engineering and Strategic Information

    Re: Basic Truths About Jack Bauer

    They are all true.

    Here's something to hold you until next season:
    "If you don't know how to draw, you don't belong in this building" - John Lasseter 2006

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