Disneyland Relationship Drama

[Goover]

On August 23rd, my 16th birthday, I met a friend from vmk at Disneyland. Let's call him/her Pencile.

So me and Pencile had a pretty good time at Disneyland, but maybe that's because I think Pencile is pretty cute.

So when I got home I texted Pencile and confessed that I had a crush on it and that we probably should't go to the parks again because I'm afraid of getting myself hurt again. Pencile responded very kindly about it to the point where I just forgot about it and said we could be very good Disney buddies, even though I still had a fairly big crush on Pencile. Mind you, Pencile didn't ever truly have a crush on me.

So on september 7th we met again and pencile asked me if we could ever work out. I told Pencile that it already knew that I really liked it but said that we are just Disneyland buddies, nothing more because we don't even live that close. We have our own lives, our own schools, our own friends, etc.

So last Sunday I was excited to find out that Pencile would be going to Disneyland again. We were getting along fairly well over the phone so I was pretty excited.

As I step foot on that stretch of pavement near the tram stops going towards the tents, I get a phone call. What do you know, it's Pencile.

I hear that it can't be making it that day because it's father is "an ***" and decided not to drive it. It apologized for not making sure it had a ride beforehand and having me go through all this trouble.

So I spent the day alone at the parks and quite frankly it sucked.

Ever since that day I've been giving Pencile some "space" so to speak. I haven't been texting/calling it nearly as much as I'm used to. I felt it was healthy for me since I knew we would never work out, so I might as well get used to being "Just friends" with the occasional chat here and there.

Well, tonight I felt it was time for an "occasional chat" so here's how it went down.

Our text message chat:

Me: hola

Pencile: Hey, just got outta dlr, how are you?

Me: ?? Okay... Wtf am I supposed to feel about that.

Pencile: Idk how Due you feel?

Me: Okay if you don't like going/want to go to dlr with me u should have said that politely before stabbing me in the back as u leave the park less than a week after u ditched me. That's just really low. I'm not trying to spark an argument, I'm just upset that u would do that to me. After all I've been towards u.

Pencile: Are you mad.

Pencile: It wasn't my fault i couldn't be there, i have a lousy timing father. Im sorry.

Me: U can stop with the bs talk I think I've had enough now. I regret saying hi. Goodnight.

Pencile: FINE. goodnight

Pencile: I never said i didn't like going. And if you think i would blow you off personally then you honestly dont know me.

Basically, I'm in a very sticky situation which, unfortunately, revolves around my favorite place on earth.

How can I now enjoy the parks without thinking of Pencile? It was hard enough on Sunday, and now I highly doubt I will ever see it again.

[[sorry for the confusing pencile/it stuff, but I want to keep this as private but understandable as possible for personal reasons]]

[Unl1keCl0ckwork]

Well, from what it sounds, Pencile was honestly upset that it couldn't make it to Disneyland on the day you guys had planned. Sure, it was lame that it told you with such short notice. Plus, it doesn't seem fair to be upset with Pencile about going to the park days later since the two trips seem unrelated. Assuming Pencile loves Dland as much as you do, then it doesn't seem unusual for it to go on another day during the week. If I were you, to make things better, I would try to patch things up with Pencile so you don't have a negative feeling about the park. Regardless of who is at fault, sometimes to make things better, you need to take the initiative to apologize. :3 I know it's difficult, but it's gotten me out a lot of sticky situations. I really hope things work out for you, Goover.

[Goover]

Yes well you have to understand, me and Pencile used to tell eachother practically everything (when we were going to Disneyland was just like the icing on the cake of our conversations).

It knows I would love to go to Disneyland with it, so I have no idea why it would go today and keep it a secret from me of all people.

I just don't understand how it can go to Disneyland without at least telling me and not see any fault in doing so.

Imagine planning on seeing a movie with a very good friend whom you like. When she can't make it you stick it out and just watch it alone. You give her some space and a week later she's watching the same movie with other people and didn't care to tell you.

Ugh. Idk. I just feel so used right now.

We really were Disney buddies. Idk what was in it that made it to keep going to DL a secret until I finally said hi to it just an hour ago.

[Unl1keCl0ckwork]

Well, the same thing has happened to my friends and me several times. However, I'm somewhat indifferent about what they do with their other friends and when they do it.

I understand where you're coming from. However, I also see where Pencile is coming from. Pencile probably didn't think to let you know that it was going to Disney because maybe it was a last minute thing. Or maybe they were only going for a few hours. My friends usually don't tell me unless it's to tell me something funny that happened there over twitter.

The only advice I can give you is to try to speak with Pencile about the situation and try to get its side of the story before you make any judgement about how it feels about you as a friend. I'm not personally in the situation, so it's impossible for me to know all the details but I try the best I can to understand what you are feeling AND what Pencile is feeling as well.

[orbitalpunk]

You might have wanna asked why didn't they invite you. I think it would have been helpful to hear what their reason were instead of guessing. But you did say they never had a crush on you like you did for them. So your feeling may have gotten ahead of you. Try to keep their feelings in perspective as well. If they just wanted to be "DL buddies" then do yourself a favor and don't expect anything more. Unless they truly express deeper feelings for you. Otherwise your really asking to get hurt. Dont get wound up inside your head. Make sure you are listening to what they are saying. If they say "buddies only" then try not to lose sight of it. I know it's easier said then done, but you have to try your best. If you feel you can't control your feelings past a "buddy" friendship, then you should either ask upfront if they have the same feeling for you or spend time away from them until you feel your able to control your feeling and are able to just be friends. You don't need to torture yourself.

You might want to refer to "it" as "them".

Keep us posted.

[Bexington]

You don't have a relationship with him.

he did not stab you in the back by going to disneyland as you had not made a rain check with him for your next trip and you were also avoiding him because you had an unpleasant experience at disneyland that you related to his absence.

You had nothing to go on that he did not enjoy going to disneyland other than a rash conclusion you made on your own. Its also possible he thought you did not want to talk to him since you gave him space without letting him know. It doesn't appear that he ditched you as it was not in his control whether or not his father felt like driving him to disneyland. Calling his reason for not being able to go bulls**t without knowing it is or not is a bad move on your part.

The very sticky situation you find yourself in is a consequence of your own actions. Don't be too upset if he decides to no longer talk to you.

Look on the bright side, you'll have a new crush soon enough (maybe 4 to 5 weeks) and you can start going to disneyland with them.

oh yeah. i would deeefinately apologize for the way you spoke to pencile the next time you get a chance to speak to him/her if i were you.

[Bob Weaver]

Make it look like an accident.

[orbitalpunk]

Originally Posted by Bexington

You don't have a relationship with him.

he did not stab you in the back by going to disneyland as you had not made a rain check with him for your next trip and you were also avoiding him because you had an unpleasant experience at disneyland that you related to his absence.

You had nothing to go on that he did not enjoy going to disneyland other than a rash conclusion you made on your own. Its also possible he thought you did not want to talk to him since you gave him space without letting him know. It doesn't appear that he ditched you as it was not in his control whether or not his father felt like driving him to disneyland. Calling his reason for not being able to go bulls**t without knowing it is or not is a bad move on your part.

The very sticky situation you find yourself in is a consequence of your own actions. Don't be too upset if he decides to no longer talk to you.

Look on the bright side, you'll have a new crush soon enough (maybe 4 to 5 weeks) and you can start going to disneyland with them.

oh yeah. i would deeefinately apologize for the way you spoke to pencile the next time you get a chance to speak to him/her if i were you.

Pencile?

[Bexington]

Originally Posted by orbitalpunk

Pencile?

that's the name she chose

[mycroft16]

Lot of material here so bear with me as I go through it. Please keep in mine that I'm not juding, just going on what I have experienced of relationships and friendships during my life and trying to pass on a little of what I've learned to you. I mean this sincerely and in a friendly way. I hope it helps. If I come across as harsh or blunt, I don't mean it that way, I'm simply pointing out things that I see as an outside observer of a situation. Forgive me ahead of time.

Originally Posted by Goover

Mind you, Pencile didn't ever truly have a crush on me.

This part is very important, we'll come back to this later.

[...]pencile asked me if we could ever work out. I told Pencile that it already knew that I really liked it but [ I ] said that we are just Disneyland buddies, nothing more because we don't even live that close.[...]

Ok, in these two section you tell us that Pencile does not feel the same way about you that you feel about them. You then go on to tell us that Pencile asks if it could ever work and you totally shut them down. It sounds like they were warming up to the idea of something working out and you just ended it before it began. Your words that I bolded and italicized above put the kibosh on it. Having different sets of friends really has nothig to do with anything working between you. Distance can, though I wonder how far apart you two really live. Now, on to the main event.

I hear that it can't be making it that day because it's father is "an ***" and decided not to drive it. It apologized for not making sure it had a ride beforehand and having me go through all this trouble.

Pencile sounds genuinely apologetic about this. Even going so far as to suggest it is their fault for not getting a backup ride ahead of time. Who does that? It sounds to me like they were genuinely sad about not getting to go. However, you leave out of this story the most important possible bit of information. Your response to Pencile. What did you say back? Everything else hinges on this. Were you upset back with them because of the crush you have on them and desperately wanting to see them? Or were you polite and accepting of a genuine apology back?

Ever since that day I've been giving Pencile some "space" so to speak. I haven't been texting/calling it nearly as much as I'm used to. I felt it was healthy for me since I knew we would never work out, so I might as well get used to being "Just friends" with the occasional chat here and there.

You already told Pencile that you two were Disney buddies. Pencile grew to expect the level of calling/texting that you were doing as the level that Disney buddies do. So when you suddenly pull back on that I'm going to guess that Pencile took that to mean that you didn't want to be Disney buddies anymore. Couple this with the fact that I suspect your response to them about not showing up that day may have just sounded a bit irked and upset and I think we can see a cause for the next section...

[...]

Pencile: Hey, just got outta dlr, how are you?

Me: ?? Okay... Wtf am I supposed to feel about that.
Wow... bit harsh here. That's a SUPER strong way over-reaction. You had already flat out told them that nothing will ever work out between you two, and then started backing away from them by not texting/chatting as much and possibly (I don't know cause you left it out) getting upset at them. So they went to Disneyland on their own not knowing what to think about what you were telling them both actively and passively. And now you blow up on them.

Pencile: Idk how Due you feel?

Me: Okay if you don't like going/want to go to dlr with me u should have said that politely before stabbing me in the back as u leave the park less than a week after u ditched me.
Again, you've been telling Pencile, both actively and passively, that you don't like going with them. You have basically sent them the message that you've cooled off on the Disney buddies thing. Pencile definitely did not stab you in the back at all especially as there is no relationship beyond meeting up for Disneyland occassionaly. Sure, maybe they could have called the moment their Dad couldn't drive them down, but when they did call, they sounded very apologetic and sincere. Again, your response is critical to understanding this whole situation. They didn't ditch you either. Their Dad decided they didn't want to drive them to the park. A perfectly reasonable REASON (not excuse, big difference between these two) for not being there.

That's just really low. I'm not trying to spark an argument, I'm just upset that u would do that to me. After all I've been towards u.
"After all I've been towards u." ??? What have you been towards them? Nothing. You told them yourself that there was nothing. YOU have been the one harboring the secret crush even after telling them there was nothing there. I'm getting the sense that you desperately want there to be something there but at the same time you, as you said, don't want to get hurt. I'm going to say it really plainly here, but relationships are all about risk. The possibility of getting hurt. That risk is what makes the relationships that work so much better. If you never get burned and never feel that pain of a relationship that maybe didn't work out, you won't ever fully understand the joy of a relationship that does work. The pain sucks, but it is necessary. On top of that, failed relationships teach us about what does and doesn't work in our relationships with other people. They are a chance for us to learn what we like and don't like in othres, and, most importantly, what we can change in ourselves. I absolutely hated the breakups I went through. It sucks. It hurts. But I wouldn't change them. Because of them I know just how wonderful my relationship with my wife is.

Try and see this "relationship" from Pencile's point of view. From their point of view there is nothing between you except you hang out at Disneyland sometimes. There is nothing about your friendship that says they can't go without you (especially when you seem to be pulling away from them). And now you are accusing them very brashly of stabbing you in the back and telling them how much you have been to them? You haven't been anything because you wouldn't let yourself. You wouldn't let them be anything to you either and they seemed at least interested in that idea.

Pencile: Are you mad.

Pencile: It wasn't my fault i couldn't be there, i have a lousy timing father. Im sorry.
Again, a genuine apology. Sincere. They seems to want to spend time with you and seems confused that you are blowing this massively out of proportion. Again, perspective here is important. Remember that from their point of view, there's nothing between you and from what you've told them, never can be. From your point of view, you have deep feelings for them, and whether or not you conciously know it, you secretly are expecting that back from them. Which is most unfair given what you have told them and shown them.

Me: U can stop with the bs talk I think I've had enough now. I regret saying hi. Goodnight.
What BS talk? Again, genuine and sincere apology. You regret saying hi? Do you really? Or are you again becoming victim to your own personaly point of view of this relationship? Remember their side of things.

Pencile: FINE. goodnight

Pencile: I never said i didn't like going. And if you think i would blow you off personally then you honestly dont know me.
Now, after staying calm throughout this, they are upset. But they are still not swearing or making accusations. They are also very confused it seems about your behavior.

Sorry that took so long, but as I said, there is a lot of material to get through here. Some conclusions...

Here are some quick questions for you to think about.
1. Completely ignoring relationships and hurting yourself, do you like spending time with Pencile?

2. Do you want Pencile to like you back?

If you answered yes to even one of those then you have a single chance to make this right. As weird or backwards as this may sound, and as hard as it might be you need to be honest with Pencile AND with yourself. Most importantly, you need to apologize to Pencile. And it should be a phone call, not a chat or text or email. You need to call them up and apologize for taking things out of proportion. Tell them you realize it wasn't their fault they couldn't make it that time. DO NOT try to rationalize your reponses or make excuses for them. Just say you're sorry. Same goes for the chat you two had. Ask for forgiveness. When they forgive you, and I have a feeling they will, move on and forget it completely. Don't ever bring it up again. It's over and done with. Talk about other things. Ask if they've been to Disneyland recently. Talk about what you both love, Disneyland. Be excited if they have gone. Ask them what they did. Make plans for another trip together. (If their dad flakes out and they can't make it again, be gracious and accepting of that fact: "Aww, that's ok We'll plan for next time!"). If it works out, you will have a ball at the parks together. Don't analyze everything you feel or they say. Just let things happen naturally. Don't hold back from having fun because you "don't want to get hurt." And if you like Pencile, then LIKE PENCILE! For heaven's sake don't hide that. If you like a person, like them. And give them the chance to like you back. Don't let your fear of a little pain keep you from discovering a true friendship. Life is unpredictable, don't try to second guess it.

I hope this small novel helped in some way. I hope things between you two work out.

[sunnygirl]

You overreacted and you should either apologize to this person or just avoid them altogether in the future. Part of being a grownup is learning how to properly react to situations based on the situation rather than purely on emotion.

[DisneyIPresume]

I wouldn't let something like this spoil Disneyland.

You're from Aliso? That makes you, like me, a "Disneyland local". For us local APers who go to the park all the time, hanging out at Disneyland is no different than hanging out at the beach or the mall or something. If this was Aliso Creek Beach or South Coast Plaza would this incident ruin your enjoyment of those places?

You might remember this incident but please don't let it ruin Disneyland for you. It's all about the person and not the place.

[Goover]

Okay this is what I said this morning:

I'm sorry for freaking out last night. I just don't know why u didn't tell/invite me. But I know ur not my slave and u can do whatever u want so I'm sorry. I was just trying to give u space last week but I didn't know it would lead to this. U have the freedom to not tell me stuff and that's perfectly fine. I'm sorry I won't act like we are that cloes again. Because you're right, I don't know you.


^^ there it is.

Thanks for the advice everyone.

And it really can't ever work out. But even as a friend I just found it pretty low that they didn't invite me. they know (I know they do) how much I wanted and still want to go to DL with them. But maybe they got the wrong message from me not texting them so much as I'm used to.

But I'm a person of reality, and in all reality, a Disneyland based relationship will never work. I'll see them once in a week at most. Nothing about that says relationship to me. That's not nearly enough time for me to truly get to know them.

And we do live pretty far away. they never even heard of Aliso Viejo but we estimated at least 45 min away.

[mycroft16]

Originally Posted by Goover

But I'm a person of reality, and in all reality, a Disneyland based relationship will never work. I'll see them once in a week at most. Nothing about that says relationship to me. That's not nearly enough time for me to truly get to know them.

You're right, that is a friendship, but friendships are good to. Just let it be a friendship. Why break it off it it's a good friendship? It's hard to find really good, true friends. Just let it be what it is. And what better way to share Disneyland than with someone who enjoys it too. Besides, distances tend to shrink the older you get.

[hobbitfeet]

Since you originally posted on the main DLR section (where I clicked through to it) I assume you want all ages to answer? If not, ignore....


"How can I now enjoy the parks without thinking of Pencile?"

By letting time go by. By having other experiences. It'll be OK.


I think you really overreacted to the text, BUT I'm not sure that Pencile was totally innocent in all of it.

By the way, when s/he asked if you could work out, I thought you meant "exercise"...now I realize they were asking you if it could be a relationship. WHY did you smash that down when that's what you want???

Originally Posted by Goover

...so I have no idea why it would go today and keep it a secret from me of all people.
...Idk what was in it that made it to keep going to DL a secret until I finally said hi to it just an hour ago.

Either it was innocent, or s/he thought you didn't want to hang out with s/he, OR s/he was with someone else and you were definitely not invited.


But really, no matter what the relationship, that sort of text reaction is never EVER going to be welcome or have a positive result. Maybe, maybe if you were married and you had one plan and they had another, but then you stayed home and they took over your plan...maybe. But as friends it's inappropriate, as dating people it's inappropriate (and is likely to END the dating relationship, ask me how I know), as exes it's inappropriate (and is going to make the other think you're psycho)...it's just not appropriate no matter what the relationship, and it's never going to get the result you want.


As for being 45 minutes away...I don't know how old exactly you are, but of course that feels ages away if you can't yet drive or are a new driver, but as time goes on that's a heartbeat. Plenty of people in CA commute 2 hours each way...my husband's friend certainly does! And to see a significant other that feels like nothing (at first, at least). But if you need parents to drive you, yes, it's far, and I understand taht, but I want to make sure you know that this "ages away" feeling is going to change in your heart and mind.

I live in WA and have heard of your town...perhaps a map would be a good idea for Pencile!


Just keep going to DLR, make new experiences, take other friends, have FUN...it'll be OK.


(all this brought to you by "things I wish someone had said to me and things I wish I had listened to", LOL)